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New here, need unbiased help

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 11:32 PM
  • 52 Replies

Long story, I'll try to make it short.  I have virtually no family.  I married my husband when my child was 8, he is now 17.  My inlaws treat my kid like he basically doesn't exist.....and me the same.  His mother is very sweet to me but only when hubby is around.  They are good as gold to my BIL and SIL and their two kids.  They are constanly buying them things, like 5 acres at the same time we bought our own, multiple vacations to Disney, a car for their son right after we bought my son one, huge christmases, birthdays, etc.  Their walls are covered with pics of the BIL's family but only a small one of my son from 6 years ago and one of my hubby from 20 years ago.  They did offer us money for our wedding but I refused after they wanted us to promise that we wouldn't tell the BIL and his family.  BILs kids are about the same age as my son.  It sickens me that my son has been treated second class for so many years.  He has no family. We were invited to their lake home for July 4th but told we would have to sleep outside bcause it would be too crowded.  It's gotten to the point that I only go there when I have to.  I used to blame my SIL, who hates me for an unknown reason, but I blame my in laws for letting her control them.  SIL tells family members I am a gold digger and drug addict, neither of which is true.  i always worked and she never did.  I was very much self sufficient before getting married.  My son never gets invited to anything and they never show up for him at any of his important events.  Oh, I got a bday card a week late this year but they take the SIL to a local theater every year for hers.

The best part, a couple of years ago while I was still accepting being treated like crap, my MIL came to me and wanted me to promise that I would take care of her if she ever gets sick.  her reason?  She thinks the SIL would "abuse her" because she is so mean to her now.  It was shortly after that when I realized how sorry we have been treated, especially my son, throughout the years.  I confronted my MIL about it and her response was that it was not her fault that we don't have family.  I told her that she sacrificed her relationship wiwth us to appease SIL.  She didn't respond.  My husband tried to talk to them a couple of years ago about it.  They made excuses and nothing changed.  Now, whenever I bring it up, he finds a way to blame me. It's my fault for "obsessing" about it.  It's my fault because I shouldn't care what they think.  He gets defensive and it leads to huge arguments.  I feel that he has accepted how we are treated and, in turn, it is like he thinks we deserve it.  he still goes there regularly to visit without us, wich I'm sure is what they want.  It is to the point that I'm considering divorce.  Honestly, I should have dealt with this YEARS ago but I battle self esteem issues and, looking back, I guess I felt like I deserved it.

I know I've rambled but there's just soooo much to this story......

What should I do?  I'm at a crossroads where I'm tired of feeling the way I do and I know I don't want to live like this the rest of my life. 

by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 11:32 PM
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by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 5:30 AM

Sadly I'm where you're at myself and I don't know what to do about it either. The only difference is I've got two sons previous (ages 11 and 8) and one born to the man I'm with just last week. His family has doubts as to if the baby is his or not (which he IS, I think I'd know if there were reason to doubt) and to make matters worse my newest son is a preemie, in the NICU and has jaundice at the moment. My water broke back on the 3rd of this month due to stress and malnurishment and they had me on an IV of Magnesium Sulfate that made my blood feel like it was boiling for two days, to stop the labor. I held him in for two and a half weeks just about on bed rest in the hospital. My own family disowned me because of my being pregnant with my current guy's baby on account of him having a hispanic background.... Trust me I know how you feel... if you ever need anyone to vent to, I'm here... I know how it is when you have NO ONE to talk to about your situation and you feel all alone.

by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 7:19 AM
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Honestly, I would just pretend they don't exist. And if dh brings them up say you don't want to talk about it.
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by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 7:20 AM
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It doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to change your husband's stand point on this. So now the only thing you have control over is how you react to the situation. You can accept it and distance yourself, or walk away from it. I don't think it's right how he blames you. It would be one thing if he acknowledged how shitty his family is, but to blame you is idiotic.
Do you have a good group of friends? I live far away from my family, and although I don't deal with the in law issues that you do, I still get lonely and miss the closeness of family. Over the years I've found a couple good friends, some with kids, some without, and those friendships have helped lessen the sting of being away from family.
Do you think that if you kind of had your own people to turn to that maybe your in laws wouldn't have as much if an effect on you?
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by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 7:23 AM
P.S. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 11:08 AM

Carolinpride- I am sorry you are dealing with this!  Seems like you have enough on your plate without the inlaw BS!!!!

Signingmama- I WISH I could do that, I really do.  I just can't help but feel bad for my son, who is such a sweet and good kid!  Why couldn't they have just loved him?

prdmama-I do have friends that are supportive but I second guess them because they are MY friend, not hubby's.  I wanted to post here for unbiased opinions.  I don't have any family except for a sister and her kids.....Of course, she thinks the whole thing stinks, too.

I can't make them care about us.  I realize that.  BUT, I do think my husband should stand up for us and call them out on how we have been treated without accepting their excuses.  I told him that I have NO intention of caring for his mother at any given point in her life as she asked me to.  And I won't.  If she gets sick, she can rely on the SIL to care for her.  If she gets abused---not my problem!  I'll simply reply to her like she did me: "It's not my fault you don't have family".   Maybe she should have thought about that all the times that my child has been to her home and been made to feel like a second class citizen.  The problem, at this point, is my hubby's response to it all.  I have limited my contact with them but part of me thinks that I shouldn't take this "laying down".  I'm tempted to tell the SIL what MIL wanted me to promise and why.  I'm also tempted to tell her about the wedding gift.  Of course, I'd do it with them both present.  Why should I hide anything?  I think I'm mad at myself for being so passive over the years, just to keep the peace.  I'm to the point that I think I should DO something to resolve the hurt feelings.  To hell with keeping the peace--what has it done for me?  My marriage is broken and I'm strongly considering divorce.  My hubby says he feels like he is "in the middle" and I get that to a point.....but....what is he is the middle of?  The poor treatment is a one way street.

What would YOU do? 

by Platinum Member on Jul. 22, 2012 at 11:12 AM

How sad for you and your son. You have honestly tried to get along and nothing good came of it. I find it hard to believe that your MIL is so weak that she lets herself be controlled.Your hubby should be standing up for you and I can't see what is holding him back. I used to be in that situation but I ended up divorcing him (for a lot of reasons) and the rest are all dead now so I never have to deal with them. Keep your head up and stand your ground. Hugs

by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 11:24 AM
Honestly, you need to let it go. As hard as it is. My in laws don't live super close to us. They've never been mean to mr, but we don't see them often. The thing is, they are not part of my marriage, period. My marriage is me and my husband. What kind of father has he been...thats what you need to worry about. My only real family is my mom, and I'm glad to have her...if I didn't have her, or when I don't then my family will mainly be my hubby and daughters. Your family is what You make it. Your son is almost grown. I wouldn't divorce my husband because of his family...that's just me. You can't control anyone but you. I would live my life without them...and that is all.
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by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 11:49 AM


I guess my husband's response to it makes me feel like we are somehow deserving of their treatment of me.  It's like he accepts it.  I told him this weekend that I chose to marry him, not his family....and if he can't stand up for us, then I'll have to think long and hard about the choice I made.  I'm honestly just so bitter that I've let it go on this long.  I do a lot for my son because he really has no one else.  This is also a point of contention with me and my husband.  He feels like I do too much for him and I feel that I should do more.  He ignores the fact that I wouldn't feel so much pressure to do more and more if there were other people doing for him as well. 

I used to blame SIL for manipulating MIL with her children and that's why I accepted it for so long.......but it's clearly MIL, who is a grown woman responsible for her own actions.

A couple of other ideas of how they are:  After I told MIL on a Wed. that my son had a weekend sports event...all weekend, she called on Friday and asked him to go to the lake, knowing what the answer would be. And then promised to take him another time, which never happened.  The BIL and his family are there a lot. forward to last year......FIL called and said he was building a barn there and wanted my son (who is big and strong) to come and help him build it that weekend.  LOL.  So, he doesn't get any invites for enjoyment, only for work.  Another time (and this when I realized that I wouldn't accept it any longer) was when MIL called me at work on a Thursday and wanted to know if my son could go on a ski trip with them on Friday because they had an extra ticket because their grandson's friend, who they were paying for, backed out of going. So, he only gets invited as a last resort.  These are genuinely the ONLY times he has been asked to do anything with them in 9 years we have been together.


by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 12:21 PM

 am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I have a mother in la that is super nice to me but favors one of her grandchildren and takes her all the time, but never my girls. I thought that was bad, and that hurts my feelings. I dont know how you've put up with it so long honestly. I would distance yourself from that family. It cant hurt you, they aren't like family to you anyways. there are no benefits in putting you and your son through that. I understand that you have no family, but you should build up a good support system with friends. Friends can make better family than family lol. seriously though, it doesnt sound like things are going to change and your son doesnt deserve that and you definately do not either. Just move on. Stop attending holiday functions. Who would make you sleep outside?? That is beyond horrible!!!! Let your husband go alone if he feels he still needs to go. Im sorry that you have to go through this. I hope that it doesn't strain your relationship but you need to do whats best for you!! and good riddance!

by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 1:56 PM

It's a double edged sword.  Letting my husband go alone is a great idea until I think about how that would leave me and my son alone on holidays.

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