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New here, need unbiased help

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Long story, I'll try to make it short.  I have virtually no family.  I married my husband when my child was 8, he is now 17.  My inlaws treat my kid like he basically doesn't exist.....and me the same.  His mother is very sweet to me but only when hubby is around.  They are good as gold to my BIL and SIL and their two kids.  They are constanly buying them things, like 5 acres at the same time we bought our own, multiple vacations to Disney, a car for their son right after we bought my son one, huge christmases, birthdays, etc.  Their walls are covered with pics of the BIL's family but only a small one of my son from 6 years ago and one of my hubby from 20 years ago.  They did offer us money for our wedding but I refused after they wanted us to promise that we wouldn't tell the BIL and his family.  BILs kids are about the same age as my son.  It sickens me that my son has been treated second class for so many years.  He has no family. We were invited to their lake home for July 4th but told we would have to sleep outside bcause it would be too crowded.  It's gotten to the point that I only go there when I have to.  I used to blame my SIL, who hates me for an unknown reason, but I blame my in laws for letting her control them.  SIL tells family members I am a gold digger and drug addict, neither of which is true.  i always worked and she never did.  I was very much self sufficient before getting married.  My son never gets invited to anything and they never show up for him at any of his important events.  Oh, I got a bday card a week late this year but they take the SIL to a local theater every year for hers.

The best part, a couple of years ago while I was still accepting being treated like crap, my MIL came to me and wanted me to promise that I would take care of her if she ever gets sick.  her reason?  She thinks the SIL would "abuse her" because she is so mean to her now.  It was shortly after that when I realized how sorry we have been treated, especially my son, throughout the years.  I confronted my MIL about it and her response was that it was not her fault that we don't have family.  I told her that she sacrificed her relationship wiwth us to appease SIL.  She didn't respond.  My husband tried to talk to them a couple of years ago about it.  They made excuses and nothing changed.  Now, whenever I bring it up, he finds a way to blame me. It's my fault for "obsessing" about it.  It's my fault because I shouldn't care what they think.  He gets defensive and it leads to huge arguments.  I feel that he has accepted how we are treated and, in turn, it is like he thinks we deserve it.  he still goes there regularly to visit without us, wich I'm sure is what they want.  It is to the point that I'm considering divorce.  Honestly, I should have dealt with this YEARS ago but I battle self esteem issues and, looking back, I guess I felt like I deserved it.

I know I've rambled but there's just soooo much to this story......

What should I do?  I'm at a crossroads where I'm tired of feeling the way I do and I know I don't want to live like this the rest of my life. 

by on Jul. 21, 2012 at 11:32 PM
Replies (11-20):
by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 2:17 PM
Honestly after years of dealing with it, I would divorce my hubby. I couldn't be with someone who allowed his family to mistreat his child and I. After years it would end up coming to the point where it's us or them. If he chose them I would leave with our son and file for divorce, and move on with my life.
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by on Jul. 22, 2012 at 3:15 PM


I'm afraid that I am to that point.  I don't want to be.....but I don't see another way.  I was hoping that I could get some sensible ladies here to give me opinions.....and I have, which I deeply appreciate.  I just keep hoping for a way to make my marriage work.

Beyond that, I'm mad at myself for letting it go on so long. 

by Member on Jul. 22, 2012 at 6:30 PM
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I am surprised that no one has said this already - You and your husband need to get to marriage counseling as soon as possible.  It sounds to me like you want to divorce his family, not him.  He is just kind of your substitute for them.

Please try to see it from his point of view, not just yours.  He IS in the middle.  He loves you and your son.  He loves his parents.  And you want him to turn his back on his parents because they don't accept your son.  Not his son, your son.  To some of the older generation, blood makes a difference.  They don't consider him family.  It is not fair or right.  It just is.  I deal with the same thing from my significant other's family.  My SO calls his half-siblings, "step-siblings" just because they have a different father.  You are trying to force a relationship that just won't happen all because you want to give your son a family.  He has a family - he has YOU!  It isn't a big family, but a family none the less.  I am sure that your husband has defended you to his parents, but they are going to do what they want.  They are set in their ways and not going to change.  Ignore them! - who needs them!  Not you and definitely not your son!  Honestly, your time would be better spent using the situation as a teaching tool to instruct your son that people are the way they are and it has nothing to do with him.  It is THEIR loss.

My grandmother (father's mother) had the most acidic, viperous tongue and bitterest disposition I have ever seen.  When I would get my feelings hurt, my mother would take me aside and tell me I had a choice.  I could either let it poison me and my life, OR I could decide that was just the way grandma was, it had nothing to do with me, let it go, walk away, and let her keep her bitterness.  I think you should look at it a different way.  Personally, I wouldn't want my son to be associated with such a mean-spirited bunch.  He most likely wouldn't be the sweet kid he is today if he had been accepted by them.

Either way, you and your husband have a communication problem.  So before you throw away nine years of marriage, get some counseling and see if your differences can be resolved. 

Quoting KYblondegirl:


I'm afraid that I am to that point.  I don't want to be.....but I don't see another way.  I was hoping that I could get some sensible ladies here to give me opinions.....and I have, which I deeply appreciate.  I just keep hoping for a way to make my marriage work.

Beyond that, I'm mad at myself for letting it go on so long. 

by Member on Jul. 22, 2012 at 6:32 PM

Whoa.....I could have wrote your post myself!!!

Girl....we have ALOT in common:)

I have no family myself.I am an only child and my mom and grandmother passed away years ago.I have a step father who is very cold towards me always was and we rarely visit with him.

My mil plays favorites with my sil kids too.My sil has issues with me dh and I used to fight heavily about his family too.He would blame me and would visit without me at times.

Eventually he began to see that I wasnt the bad guy and that they were truelly being cruel and unfair.It took alot of strength and prayer on my part to stand my ground.Now we are more in love than ever and our little family is strong:)

When it comes to your mil do not give her the satisfaction of seeing you hurt anymore.She has made it clear she is has blue blood.You need to find a group of people you can connect with.A support system for yourself and your family.Start inviting friends over,start planning trips with your dh and son.Start enjoying the family you have and not the toxic inlaws you dont need.

Definitely tell your husband that it is wrong how your family is being treated.Your inlaws are disrespecting him as a man and father when they disrespect you and his son.He should not keep going over there without you.He is being a wimpy coward.I would try marriage counseling and if he doesnt man up and protect you and his know what you have to do.

Dont waste anymore years or deserve more:)

Good Luck!


by Barb on Jul. 22, 2012 at 7:11 PM

Open a new door and step through it. See if you can build a good relationship with your in laws from this point onward. Don't pay any attention to things that are bought for others,  see if you can be friends or at least caring family.

by Gold Member on Jul. 23, 2012 at 2:23 PM

 I agree. Sometimes you have to just make the conscious choice to change things for the present and future and forget the past. It's not easy, but it's sometimes the only way to really get a fresh start.

Quoting Bmat:

Open a new door and step through it. See if you can build a good relationship with your in laws from this point onward. Don't pay any attention to things that are bought for others,  see if you can be friends or at least caring family.


by Gold Member on Jul. 23, 2012 at 3:36 PM

I would be cordial, but not seek anything from them. They obviously don't care to foster a good relationship. I wouldn't be rude or anything, BUT I wouldn't let it get to me. It's their loss. Some of DH's extended family gets this treatment from us. We're polite when we see them at mutual family events and such, but we don't initiate conversation and we don't really know what's going on in their lives, nor do they with ours. We reached out several times over a period of years and realized they didn't care (similar to your DH's family) so we stopped reaching out. 

by on Jul. 24, 2012 at 9:59 PM

I talked with my husband about it....again.  He asked me what would make me happy.  I told him all I have wanted is for him to stand up for us and just let them know that he sees what is going on.  They are entirely fake and i think they would be shocked if he just tells them that he SEES how we are treated.  The whole family is about denial.  The action doesn't matter to them as long as it is never mentioned......  He said that he will confront them.  I know you can't make people love you, but it doesn't hurt any less how we have been treated.  I also intend to let it be known at the next family funciton what my MIL said about me taking care of her.  I'm tired of sitting and taking it all.  What do I have to hide?  Nothing.  I have been far too passive and it's built up and made me bitter.  No more.  I've kept it all in to keep the peace but the only one hurt by it has been me and my son.  If my husband doesn't support me in that, he will need to go.  He says he will but we will see.

I want to thank each and every one of you for responding.  Thank you so much just for taking a few minutes out of your precious days to help me--it has truely meant a lot.  For those of you in the same boat I am, I hope you find peace, just as I hope that for myself. 

For those of you not already in the boat-- Please dont' ever let anyone treat you any less than you deserve.  It chisels away at your heart, it really does.

by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 6:52 PM

Well, it's been four months since my sorry sackless husband PROMISED me he would confront his rotten parents.  He has yet to do it.  Time to get my stuff in order and move on!  4 MONTHS!!!!  That just tells me that he condones how we are treated.  I shouldn't have given him four more months--I'm such a twit!

by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 7:34 PM

Why are you putting so much value on these people loving you and your son? If they can't find it in them to love you guys that's too bad for them.

At the end of the day you may not have had a family growing up but now you've been blessed with children and a husband.The more this stuff bothers you the more control they have over hurting you. One day even the children leave us and we're left with our spouse. You need to strengthen that bond and stop obsesing over these women that you have not promised to love and spend the rest of your life with, that's your husband's place. 

It's going to be tricky finding balance between keeping the peace and distancing yourself from them. That you need to figure out and do it wisely. The truth of the matter is they may never accept him or you. So, brush the dust off your shoulders and move on.  Nurture the relationships that truly matter like your marriage and your children. 

I strongly advise you not to end your relationship with your husband. If he goes to visit them it's only natural. The change needs to come from you. You can't make yourself not feel hurt when they do these things ( because of what you lived through growing up ) but try to understand  that they can only hurt you to the extent that you allow them to. They will never change.

Your story sounds alot like mine. I didn't have much family and the little bit I had was not very supportive ( only my older sister showed any type of love towards me ). When I married I was not what my in laws envisioned for my husband. He was there golden child the first born and only boy. They wanted him to marry someone from a different race with money and I'm the same nationality as them and we were not wealthy. So, I had to deal with alot of crap also. Everything I wrote to you is what worked for me.

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