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Advice please for the yelling parent

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:16 AM
  • 27 Replies

I need some advice... I am posting bc of disagreeing of my husbands drill Sargent like parenting. Lots of yelling to get kids attention, kids crying, ect...I tried talking to him before but it all seems too natural for him and there has been times I don't think he realizes it anymore. I believe he doesn't think he is over reacting bc that was how he was raised. His father was Navy and from what I understand, they must have been yelled at a lot. His mom yells, his sister... and it's over dumb stuff.  I understand you want your kid to behave, be safe, play nice, but who doesn't, but trying to control their every move?? Maybe it's just me, but I know kids will be kids and I wish he could just see that! He seems to do a lot of.... commands/ordering around.

And just like the other day, my brother in law freaked out on him at my daughter's birthday party and the last words I heard him say were, "Do not yell at my kid" I did not hear the whole conversation but wow, embarrassing. :/  I heard my husbands side of the story... it started out as our son and my nephew playing, (ages 2 and 3 by the way.) my nephew was holding on to our son, then our son started crying, and my husband went over and told him to get off our son, I didn't hear how he said it.... then my brother in law says, I got this, seriously! Talk about awkward...

Please send any advice, what to say or sites to look up. I just want this to not end up being a fight between us.

by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ChancesMommy07
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this
My husband went through a very brief period of this when our son was a toddler, he did it because that's what his parents did. I just told him he needed to think before he opened his mouth and if he couldn't do it without yelling he could leave the room and I'd handle it. He watched how I did it and realized that even though I never raise my voice I always get results. Now he never yells.
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lorelei10
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:23 AM
1 mom liked this

http://parentingwithdignity.blogspot.com/2007/08/yelling-at-kids.html

http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html


My father yelled at me a lot and we were constantly afraid of him. It didnt actually dicipline us, it made us angry as we got older, so we actually rebelled more! He was our adopted step father, my father before was VERY abusive, i did not take kindly to the emotional abuse of being "drilled" so to speak. He asked way to much of me, punished me for everything because i was the oldest and i got in trouble FOR my brothers because I wasnt being a good enough drill sergeant!!!! Yelling NEVER does the trick...

Bmat
by Barb on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:27 AM

He has to want to stop, and then he has to really work on it- pause before saying anything and consider how it will sound.

monkeyrhea
by Member on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:33 AM
2 moms liked this

I am a yeller. I didn't realize just how much I yell until a couple of months ago. I hate it!!!! He definitely has to realize what he is doing and want to stop. I still catch myself yelling sometimes at the end of the day when all of my patience has been tested, but I'm doing much better. When I feel myself about to explode into a yelling fit I stop myself and send myself to my room :) It sounds silly, but it cools me down and my boys realize that they have made me very angry and they calm down also.

lorelei10
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this

Seriously though, show him the ACT link here, its the second one. Its a legit site based on Child psychology and it has studies that show that yelling is NOT ONLY ineffective, but harmful. It can also promote bullying other children because he feels powerless while getting yelled at, then translates yelling into "power" then they try to exert that "power" over othter children!

Quoting lorelei10:

http://parentingwithdignity.blogspot.com/2007/08/yelling-at-kids.html

http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html


My father yelled at me a lot and we were constantly afraid of him. It didnt actually dicipline us, it made us angry as we got older, so we actually rebelled more! He was our adopted step father, my father before was VERY abusive, i did not take kindly to the emotional abuse of being "drilled" so to speak. He asked way to much of me, punished me for everything because i was the oldest and i got in trouble FOR my brothers because I wasnt being a good enough drill sergeant!!!! Yelling NEVER does the trick...


l.e.v
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:43 AM
1 mom liked this
im a yeller, i ask my 2&3 yr old 5 or 6 times and they just stick their tongue out at me or blow raspberries at me tell ne no etc which in turn pisses me off and i start yelling, i dont know what to do with my kids behavior and i obviously know yelling at them isnt good but it gets to that point, i dont want to yell at my kids but they drive me to that point all the time, i want to be one of those parents where all i have to do is talk calmly but when i do, i get spit on.... sorry i cant help, but maybe my situation can give some insight as to why some parents yell at their little ones
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maureen813
by Member on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:47 AM

Well I am a clinical therapist working with children and families within a large community mental health agency. I would encourage you to talk with your husband and he may have been raised with lots of loud yelling and intimidation and now he is just modeling the same kind of behavior with his own children. Yelling is really counter productive, it makes kids anxious and nervous and over time it becomes ineffectual as the kids toon the yelling out and guess what your husband will do? He will yell even lounder out of frustration when he feels nobody is really listening. Do you think that he would consider some short term therapy to better understand how to communicate with his children without yelling and screaming? Also, there are several excellent parenting books and resources that describe communicating without yelling.

ChancesMommy07
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:50 AM

What do you do besides yell? What form of discipline do you use? At that age a warning and then a timeout is pretty effective. Especially if its one that you stick to, set the timer for 2 or 3 minutes and everytime they get up set them down and restart it. 

Quoting l.e.v:

im a yeller, i ask my 2&3 yr old 5 or 6 times and they just stick their tongue out at me or blow raspberries at me tell ne no etc which in turn pisses me off and i start yelling, i dont know what to do with my kids behavior and i obviously know yelling at them isnt good but it gets to that point, i dont want to yell at my kids but they drive me to that point all the time, i want to be one of those parents where all i have to do is talk calmly but when i do, i get spit on.... sorry i cant help, but maybe my situation can give some insight as to why some parents yell at their little ones


EmilysMom2010
by Member on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this
I tell my husband to stop being lazy and get off his ass. Lmao! I have noticed he yells when he doesn't want to get up! I say something once in a stern voice. Then I am up off my ass and MAKE my kid stop whatever it was I didn't want her to do.
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aleighasmomma22
by on Jul. 31, 2012 at 9:54 AM

I know as a parent, I once in awhile loose my cool and have caught myself yelling before too. It just happens sometimes, even though you didn't want it to happen. I hope I can just explain this to him without us arguing and him getting overly mad. He was always a yeller. Yes even at me. ;(

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