Only problem is he's an alcoholic. Not your typical one bc like I said he takes care of everything, never skiffs of his responsibility or anything. Hell he's been at the same company for 12 years! But he is heavily dependent on alcohol. He got a DUI back in march. He knew then and there he had to quit drinking and right away he tried, it was hell for him, and before long he was back to drinking again. Now he's coming up on having to go to jail for a month and doing treatment and probation so he's running out of time.
He made the decision, after weeks of talking about it and playing with the idea, to finish the beer he had in the house and then be done, before he had to go to jail ( mostly bc I am concerned about him going through the worst of the withdrawals in jail/ at work bc he gets work release, and having something bad happen) he is off work for the next wk bc it's fair week here and that's family time...
Ok that being said, I am 100% supportive of him, I've never nagged him about his drinking, never made him feel like less... The same cant be said for the rest of the ppl in his life. Having dealt with my own addiction many years prior, I know what it's like, and I know how hard it is, so I know not to push. Our relationship is so much better bc if this and a big part of him wanting to quit is knowing that I'll be there to support him, not nag or judge him. His drinking has never interfered in our lives so I have no reason to be that way.
He really wants to do this, and do it right....
Question is, how do I give him enough support to counteract all the lectures and nagging he's going to still get from everyone else?!?! There are some that I know I can talk to and tell them to give him a break, buying can't control everyone... So what things can I do to help alleviate some of that for him???
Any ideas???
UPDATE: first off, thank you all for your responses!! Its definitely not going to be easy! To the person who said I need to get realistic about it... I can agree with you in a sense... Obviously he's made choices and done things that aren't good, and I don't mean to portray him as a perfect drunk, but honestly, he makes every effort to make sure our family is not effected by his stupidity. That being said, yes, drinking and driving is the one thing he's done regularly that potentially hurts us all, and we've talked about that. He knows how I feel about it, but he has to make that choice himself.
To everyone who said things about controlling others, I really have no desire to control how they think or feel, and he deserves a lot of what they have to say, but I know, without a doubt, that the negative thoughts and comments and what not are not going to help him. He's heard them all before, over and over. Now that he's finally trying to do it right, he needs positive support and I'm simply trying to figure out how I can be ENOUGH positive support for him to counteract the negative so that he does t lose his faith in himself.
I personally spent a ton of time in NA and AA meetings. Alcohol was never a problem for me but 90 mtgs in 90 days wasn't enough for me, I hit over 150 mtgs in my first 3 months, and often times I'd find that only AA mtvs were happening when I needed one. That said, i don't believe AA mtgs of the average variety would benefit him... We are discussing outpatient treatment with one on one counceling, both bc it can be mor long term than inpatient would be, but also bc he's going to get more from a situation involving educated ppl that have the knowledge and resources to give him the answers and help he needs. AA, it's an amazing program, and I'm looking into alanon, but hes not the type of person to be able to go to these types of mtgs and really take in and use the plethora of personal experience and support available. Put him in a room full of ppl just like him who've done what he's trying to do, he's not going to absorb it and get it. Give him a book, a set of rules, a list of this needs to be done this way at this time, he gets that, he thrives on that. A one on one approach with someone thats educated in the matter, and can educate him... I think that's going to be his saving grace.
We have discussed what he's going to do to curb his cravings... The situations that he's going to have to tackle... Like me and smoking... Put me in a car and tell me I can't smoke?? I almost can't do it. I keep straws, I chew on straws instead of smoking in the car now... Still sucks but I do it. He has to find something that works for him and be realistic about it... Like he said " well I can just put a dip in, when I want a drink." I said no, that's not going to work bc you put a dip in, and when you're done, you have a beer, every time, what are you going to do, put another dip in?? No.
It's a long, hard process. He has an appt set up next week for an eval with a treatment center. And he has a years probation ahead of him...
I'm holding out hope that after this year he will see how much better his life is without drinking, while its mandatory to stay out jail, and he will continue to stay that way....
Thanks for all your responses!!
I understand you want to help but why do you need to counteract what others will do? You can't predict how much others will "get on his case" so I think it would be hard to plan this kind of thing. I think it's more important that you simply let him know how much YOU support him and how much you will always be there for him regardless of what anyone else says or does. If he gets down you'll probably be the first person he thinks of, especially if you tell him often. Good luck to you both!
All you can do is support him without enabling him (i know you know that). Hang in there, the nay sayers might have to be pushed to the side (not talk to them) until they can be supportive in a positive manner. I am thankful, my dh has an amazing supportive family. We never had the lectures and what not to deal with. He's been sober for 10 1/2 yrs.
Good luck!
Quoting itsblissmas:I understand you want to help but why do you need to counteract what others will do? You can't predict how much others will "get on his case" so I think it would be hard to plan this kind of thing. I think it's more important that you simply let him know how much YOU support him and how much you will always be there for him regardless of what anyone else says or does. If he gets down you'll probably be the first person he thinks of, especially if you tell him often. Good luck to you both!
Has he seen a doctor about this? If he had time to go to a rehab and get all the "tools" he needs that would help a LOT,but for sure he needs to go to meetings.You could go to Al Anon meetings as well,maybe your relatives too.
Quoting atlmom2:
He needs AA. You can't control what others say and do. Its going to be up to him if he quits or not though.
Reason I ask about the doctor,maybe he can prescribe a medical detox so the poor guy doesn't go into shock or DT's or something.
First - Go to al-anon. Understanding is good, but you are overly-sympathetic, and your'e white-washing. Hasn't affected your lives? Alleviating consequences??? That's called enabling. This is a man who is an example to 5 children, and who recently got a DUI. Chances are, he didn't just drive drunk the time he got the DUI, which means he is risking everything you have when he gets on the road, including the lives of others. He doesn't have a right to do that!
I have a LOT of experience with addiction, and I am in no way saying he is a bad person because he's an alcoholic or addict. But you have to have some expectations. Accepting some of the things you are accepting isn't helping him or your kids.
He needs help and you know that. You can't control anyone in this situation but yourself, and you shouldn't be trying to protect him from the consequences, including the nagging of others. You can't go around making things ok for him no matter how much you might want to.
You're right that nagging won't help. The best thing you could do is to demand he enter treatment immediately. If he has to go to jail in the middle of it, then so be it. Part of recovery is to accept responsibility for your actions. But you have to set some healthy bottom lines and hold them. You don't nag, but you don't continue to keep the status quo when he continues drinking. I really, really do sympathize. I know it is extremely difficult for everyone. But you are not being realistic about this and you really need some objectivity.
Too young for "the talk"????
- Fivekidscrazy
on Aug. 7, 2012 at 10:20 AM