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Am I wrong to feel like a bad parent?...and be mad at her dad?

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:28 PM
  • 16 Replies

My name is Dorinda and I am 18. I am a new mom and I just had my daughter on July 11th and she just turned a month about 8 days ago. Ever since I had my daughter I would have to say I haven't really gone anywhere. The first time I ever took my daughter out we went to a park and me and my boyfriend Justin were pushing her in her stroller around. Well she started crying and we just put her on the bottle for the first time and she started crying and she wouldn't really take the bottle so I told Justin I wanted to go home and while we were in the car on our way home she was crying and she wouldn't take her bottle or her pacifier and I was getting really frustrated and I started crying so I asked Justin to pull over so I could breastfeed her and so he pulled over. I took her out to breastfeed her and she was ok when she was done I put her back in her carseat and she started crying again and I could not take it. I don't know why I just couldn't handle her crying. Most of the time when we go out we go to my sisters place. So a lot of times my sister invite us over to her place to go swimming or to just hang out and I always say yes that we can all go but then I end up changing my mind and I tell Justing to go ahead and go by himself but then he says no and he wants to stay home too because he doesn't want to leave me and my daughter but I tell him it's ok and so he goes. Today was one of those days that my sister invited us over and at first I agreed that I would go but then I changed my mind because since yesterday my daughter has had a cold because her cousin kissed her when she was sick so now my baby is sick :(. Anyway I checked my daughters temp. this morning because she felt pretty warm and when I took it he temp. was 100.4. Before we were going to go to my sisters to swim I checked her temp. again and it was the same so I didn't want to take my daughter out since she is sick so I told my sister I wasn't going to go. When my mom found out I wasn't going to go she offered to take care of my daughter while me and Justin went swimming and I was fine with it at first but then I thought about it and I really couldn't just leave my daughter knowing that she is sick the way she is. I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job as a parent if I just left her with my mom knowing that she is sick. Justin went with my sister and I am kind of upset because his daughter is sick right now and he just left like nothing. I understand that he wants to get out of the house because he works durning the week from 2pm to 12am and he would like to go other places besides work but when I do tell him that it's ok for him to go to my sister's by himself when were all invited because that's where he goes to hangout, I feel so upset and angry at him. I feel like he doesn't want to be around his daughter or he just feels like he is the only one that needs a break. I take care of her all week and all day pretty much by myself even at night I'm the only one that wakes up to take care of my daughter and he just sleeps as if I don't want to. Should I be mad that he leaves us when I say its ok but really its not? and should I feel like a bad parent because my daughter is sick and I just can't leave her?... 

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:28 PM
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by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:40 PM

not wanting to leave her makes u a good mom. i think its weird that he goes to ur sisters all the time without u. u need to be honest with ur boyfriend before it comes between u.

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:42 PM

No you shouldn't be mad.  If you can't tell him what you really want your marriage isn't going to work at all.  You have to tell hi the truth period.  If you don't want him going you tell him that you don't want him going.  Also to two of you need to grow up now, sometimes you're not going to get to get out of the house because you are parents.  

by Member on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:43 PM
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If you give him the ok to go then you can't be mad at him if he goes!

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:44 PM
I'm assuming your boyfriend is young too? At that age, guys aren't as attached as you it seems. Moms get emotional when their kids are sick, dads don't take it as seriously. Same happened with me. I had my son at 19 and I was always the one more bonded and attached to my kids, more so than he was.
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by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:45 PM

It is completely normal to feel bad about your baby being unwell. The first few months of parenthood are overwhelming, complied with post pard hormones, this time can be really challenging. It sounds like you have support through your family, and you are making decisions based on what you feel is right. Staying home with a sick baby is never wrong. It is nice of your mom to offer, perhaps when she the baby is feeling better you and Justin can go to your sisters or out to dinner while baby stays with your mom. Dads go to work and leave the baby daily, so it isnt as upsetting for him to leave your daughter at home. Also, he doesn't have those crazy hormones. Can you take the baby to your sisters? My daughter screamed in the car seat virtually always! It made me nuts, but she was ok. Try to get out once in a while by yourself or with Justin (help to make you feel like you again), maybe not tomorrow, or next week if you dont want to, but soon. Hang in there, it gets easier!! I promise...then um...harder, again. The easier...and then....

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:46 PM

Say what you mean.  Don't lie.  It'll save you a lot of stress for the rest of you life!

by Platinum Member on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:53 PM

Quoting Mommy0505:

Say what you mean.  Don't lie.  It'll save you a lot of stress for the rest of you life!

I agree. Open and honest communication is the way to go .  I would say give yourself a break.  If mom offers to watch her even though she is sick, you need to trust that mom will call you if things get worse.  I am presuming she raised you so the baby will not suffer unduly for the 2-3 hrs you go have fun and recharge your mommy batteries.   You may also want to get checked for ppd just in case you are not feeling yourself.  Being a young parent is hard and the males tend to hold on to the carefree lifestyle longer.

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 9:59 PM

If I tell Justin not to go then I feel terrible because I know he really wants to and doesn't want to stay in the house.

by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 10:03 PM
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Oh, sweetie.  You are not a bad parent.  The fact that you are thinking of these things and questioning them shows that you are a GOOD parent.  I know it's hard to be a mom.  And it's really hard to be a mom when you are young.  We feel bad and guilty about leaving our babies, especially when they are sick.  I'm going to tell you that I'm "an old lady", my kids are 24, 23, 21, 19, and 17.  My name is Lisa and I'm 46.  So, I'm going to talk to you like you are my daughter, ok?  First, I know you want to be a good and attentive mother.  But, you also need to remember that to be an effective mom, you have to be rested and feel good.  So, if your mom offers to babysit while you go and do something for yourself, to de-stress, you should take her up on that.  Think of yourself like a battery.  You can do things for others for a long time, but sooner or later your "battery" will be drained, and you'll need to re-charge it so you can give more.  I know your baby seems very sick to you, but it's probably just a little cold.  Your Mom will know how to look after your baby, and if her temp spikes, your Mom could always call you and you could come home, right?  Its not wrong to go out for a while to have a little fun for yourself.  Of course you'll want to not party too hard, because you are nursing, so you have to make healthy choices for you and your baby girl. 

I'm going out on a "date" with my hubby (we'll have our 26th anniversary on Sept 6!!) tonight.  I'm leaving my kids at home.  (actually, only the 23 yr old boy and the 17 yr old boy still live at home.  The 24 yr old girl is married, and the 21 yr old girl and 19 yr old boy are in the Army)  My hubby and I try to have a "date night" so that we stay connected as a couple, as PEOPLE, not just the parents of The Wild Things.  It won't be fancy, hubby gets off work at 11 pm, and I'll pick him up from work, then we'll go to the Truck Stop and have a burger.  lol, they ARE the best burgers in town... :o)  And that's the only place open at that time of night other than Taco Bell and the bars!!!

On that note...  I think the key to long term relationships is COMMUNICATION.  And that brings us to your boyfriend... I am guilty of this, too.  We say one thing but mean something very different.  They ask us if anything is wrong, and we say NOTHING.  But, we definitely mean SOMETHING is wrong.  They can't read our minds.  Sad, but true!  ;o)  And it's not fair of us to make them guess.  So if we want them to know that we are upset, we have to tell them.  Otherwise, we feel like martyrs, and they are out having fun, while we are at home, angry... and then they can't understand why we are mad when they come home.  We did tell them it was ok, right?  So, tell your guy that you get peeved because he goes out and has fun and you stay home.  Tell him you understand that it's kinda irrational, but there you are.  He'll want to know what to do about it...  So, you have to have some suggestions.  Stay with me and help take care of the baby.  Sit on the couch (I know it's boring!) and watch TV or a movie on DVD.  Maybe invite some trusted friends to visit.  You could put a  movie on and make some popcorn, and pretend it's the theater.  Or go out with the baby somewhere safe and sane.  I stayed home with my kids a lot, too.  When your little girl is a bit older, you'll be able to do other outings, like dinner and a movie, but for now it's pretty hard because you're new at it and she's little and every time you go out it seems like you have to take 6 tons of stuff with.  It will get easier as the months go by, easier when she can walk, and you don't need a 50 pound diaper bag and all that other gear.  Hang in there...  And feel free to message me whenever you need to.  If you want my regular e-mail I'll give it to you...


by on Aug. 17, 2012 at 10:03 PM

Quoting dori94:

If I tell Justin not to go then I feel terrible because I know he really wants to and doesn't want to stay in the house.

If you want him to stay, try something like, "I am really worried about the baby, I need your support."

It may be better received then "telling" him not to go. It would be asking him for what you need from him, rather than comanding him to stay with you. Open and honest is good, but staying positive is also important.

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