12 years of a child support nightmare with an alcoholic- need help please!
Question: What would you do?
Forgive some of the child support- so it was low enough they took less than 65% of his income
Contact Child Support and tell them you agree to have it reduced to a lower amount and see if they can change the court order
Stop sending him anything at all
Stop sending him anything and tell him he can contact child support to get it changed
Continue the hassle of sending him 1/2 of the payments back
other (please explain in comments)
Total Votes: 14
Question: What would you do?
Total Votes: 14
Let me try to make this as short and simple as possible.
- Moved away to another state after High School at age 18.
- I met a guy and moved in with him, and ended up getting pregnant
- When I was 7 months pregnant, I realized I had enough of his drug use and drinking and moved back to my home state and in with my parents. (i was 19)
- Had my daugher and we went through getting child support.
- He was making a decent amount and the child support was set at 200 a week. I never received a payment, because right after that he lost his job.
- So insert the 11 years in between then and now- and he worked 2 or 3 odd jobs to get enough under the table to afford to support his drinking addiction and move across country to live with his father (who is also an alcoholic). During this time he never sent child support and it was adding up and adding up. Eventually got the point where he owed me so much- that it no longer was a state issue- but was referred to the US Attorney Generals Office. About 2 years ago it came out that has a severe mental illness- which needs counseling and meds. He claims that is why he drinks- to deal with it. He finally moved from his dads- to another state to go live with him mom so he could get some help. (or more like him and his dad got into a fight and he got kicked out.)
- Let me also point out- in all this moving and non-working he was lucky to make it up 1 time a year to see his daughter- and sometimes he was only living 3 hours away.
- He got on medication and was doing better. Got a decent job and moved into an apartment.
- Well obviously when he got a legit job that wasn't paying him under the table- he was instantly sent a court order for child support.
- He was NOT happy- as he owes so much (over $150k) that they demanded the legal max of 65% of his paychecks.
- At first I told him I would try and get it reduced, but over the past 8 months I have decided I don't want to.
- Let me fast forward to the past year. I receive XXXX a month and have been sending 1/2 of it back to him. I felt it was the right thing to do so he could afford his medication and keep his job- because that was important to me- as I have compassion for those dealing with severe mental illnesses. It was more important he was able to function in society vs. sitting in jaill.
- It's turned into the biggest pain in the butt of my life. He is always texting or calling me or emailing me saying he needs money- can i send it right away- can i send a little more yada yada. I HATE having this hang over my head. Not to mention- it takes time to deal with. every 2 weeks I have to make a special trip to a bank to take the child support out (which costs me a 3 dollar fee) and then I have to drive clear across town to deposit it into his bank account (he lives in another state).
- Our daughter is now in Middle school and needed braces this summer, (which is costing me $5300 - thank goodness they are letting me do monthly payments- but needed a hefty down payment) she needs a new instrutment for schoo band etc... My mom just took her out to see her relatives and her father (because they havent seen her in 11 years nad her dad hasnt seen her in almost 2 years now) and that cost me over $500 to send her.
- A few weeks ago I asked if I could send less back to him- and he got a little angry and agreed to it- but only if i could "pay him back what i owed in the next few weeks" EXCUSE ME?
- Our daughter has wanted a new cell phone for the past few weeks and I told her not now, we don't have the money (and her old phone was ok- just not what she wanted). Well next thing I know her phone "broke" and she needed a new one. I told her no- she couldn't get a new one and was oging to just have to go phoneless for awhile- that she should have taken better care of the one she had. Well long story short- she goes out and sees her dad and he buys her a new phone (mind you with money I sent him back)
- About 2 months ago he moved out of the place he was living (his lease was up) and moved back in with his mom "for a month" so he could save up some money to get a different place.
- He sends me messages all the time freaking out- because i don't go to the bank the same day I get his money (mind you- he gets paid on Thursday and I get the support deposited to me on Saturday) and send it back to him and he says "i dont have any food- ive been eating beans and rice for a week). Well one- he ALWAYS eats beans and rice and crap for food since I lived with him. Two, I know his "i dont have money for food = I dont have money for beer EMERGENCY" (last time he came up to see our daughter- 2 years ago- he asked my now husband everynight to take him to the store and he purchased a 24 case of beer EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for the week he was up)
- Oh also forgot to add- that I ended up having to move in with my grandparents for 7 YEARS because I couldn't afford a place of my own (as a single mom) a big part was that I got ZERO help from him- so for 7 years I lived in an uncomfortale living situation that I didn't like or want- but didn't really have another choice at the time.
Well now today he sent me a message freaking out about owing his mom money for the phone that he bought for our daughter (which i said she couldnt get in the first place) and saying that he cant live with his mom anymore- that it was only supposed to be temprorary and he and his step dad just don't get along yada yada... The he goes on about how it's so expensive there that I need to call child support and tell them not to take so much out yada yada. (mind you- he still gets 45% of his checks- and when I send him 1/2 of what I get back- he is getting more than 75% of his checks back!) He claims if I don't do thaqt or don't keep sending him 1/2 of what they give me- that he is going to be FORCED to quit his job and move back to another state with his dad so he can get paid under teh table- and that he will lose his insurance and not get his meds and end up in a psych hospital again yada yada.
I am REALLY strugglign with this =( I want him to be productive and get his meds and the helps he needs- however I don't have sympathy when he doesn't like where he lives. I lived 7 years in a home i hated because I didn't have any other choice. I worked, I went to school and got out of it. If he had paid me for the 11 years he didn't- he wouldn't have accrued so much in support and they wouldn't be taking 65% of his checks! I hate being blamed for someone else's problems.
I also don't feel like I should be the one who has to call child support and get it changed. Why do I have to deal with it? I'm not the one who has the problem with how much they take from his checks. I also receive food stamps, and because they think I am getting X,XXX a month in child support- they have greatly reduced what I get... which is fine- except i'm getting half of that- so then in turn i spend child support on groceries as well... which leaves even less for things my daughter needs etc...
He just doesn't seem to understand that i went so long with NOTHING. If it weren't for my mother helping me out, my daughter would have missed "being a kid" and doing things most kids get to do, because we just couldn't afford much but bare necessities (and sometimes not even those). He thinks that support hsould ONLY go to her (like for a new phone or new clothes etc...) and gets mad if it goes for something like a car payment (but he doesnt realize i need a car to get her to school and a roof over her head etc.. so i dont tell him stuff anymore like that lol)
Can anyone please offer some advice? In some ways getting it is more of a burden then when I didn't get it. (but believe me, the income is really nice and much needed- we wouldnt have afforded braces) I am now married with 2 other children and another on the way- and this is just stressing me out to no end.
It's like a catch 22- if he pays me what he is supposed to- he will just move away with his dad and i will never see another dime in support again. But at the same time, I feel like by sending him money, all I am doing is enabling his drinking more and more- I feel like thats the real reason why he is broke and 'cant function' yada yada... because of his alcohol. At the same time he is 14+ hours away- so it's not like I can really do anything to get him help.