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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

My husband and I have a 13 month old son and I am pregnant with number two. every day he comes home and plays with my son and more often then not when my husband is home from work or on his days off my little boy only wants his attention and only wants daddy to play with him (he will actually push off me when he walks in the door to go to daddy. he calls everything daddy.

my husband can tell it hurts my feelings quite a bit and comforts me all the time by saying its just a phase or what not. I understand why my son is like that and it makes sense. im here all day and daddy is only hear on weekends and evenings.

the proble is my husband is very short tempered with our son who is only 13 months old. if my son starts crying over being hurt, hungery, being told no- anything really and cries for too long then my husband starts to yell and shout at him "why are you crying?! shut up! stop crying!" really loud and when im here all day i never yell at him, i tell him no a lot but i cant ever recall raising my voice so when my husband does it i can tell that whatever WAS bothering my son has now passed into fear and so he starts screaming and reaching towards me. I dont want my husband to be the bad guy every time. I explained to my husband that yelling does nothing but teach him to be louder and the loudest peron wins, also i told him that it does nothing but scare him and it doesnt teach him anything, that our son doesnt quite understand why you are so angry.

he responds with " you just spoil him when your hear, and i dont think you give him enough credit. i think he understands my tome of voice better than he understands 'no' and i dont want him growing up spoiled" i  tell him he needs to cut it out or hes going to have son that hates him growing up and he will  always be the bad guy and never listen to him. he then responds with "ok i understand, im sorry" but it will hapen again next week. wheres the parenting 101 with husbands-i only see ones for moms but none for dads and how to gets dads to calm down.

always about how to control your temper with a mom, but what about the dads who work all day with wives who stay home all day and are blamed for everything that goes wrong? where are thhe parenting magazines and dr. advice for those situations because thats a common situation....

by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 6:23 PM
Replies (11-20):
jjessers
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2012 at 12:33 AM
Bump for PC
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mommy091011
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 11:43 AM

ok well he needs parebting help and advice not for us to abandon him right now. he pays all our bills and helps me around the house and even wakes up with my son on most of his days off since im pregnant with number 2 and still cleans the entire house while i sleep in. he makes dinner 1/3 of the time and he runs all the arands for me so i dont have to. hes a great dad and husband, he just lacks patience, and moms break out yelling at their kids a lot so why must we run from our husbands when they do it. should they run from us and take our kids just because we yell at our children when we are at the end of our ropes? no instead we get counceling and parenting tips. so i apreciate the websites but not the telling me to just run away and abandon him. he does alot for us and he loves us so much and he shows it. he always picking up flowers on the weekend he has to work for me and hes always bringing home new snacks and toys for our son to try. he only raises his voice when he doesnt understand. he even wakes  up with him in the middle of the night when he has a nightmare because its harder for me to get in and out of the bed we have rightnow all big and round and such.

Quoting LoreleiSieja:

Your husband is wrong-wrong-wrong, and actually, he could be arrested for emotional abuse, because that is what he is doing.  He needs to straighten up, or get out of the house!  Do not put up with that!

However, there are places to get information and help, and you are looking at one of them... the internet!  Here's a great website to get started:

how to be a great dad - 12 tips: http://zenhabits.net/how-to-be-a-great-dad-12-awesome-tips/

The Awesome Dad Cheat Sheet: http://artofmanliness.com/2008/08/03/18-tips-for-being-a-great-dad/

How to Be a Dady: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq4SG3u5TO4

There is much more, of course, but there's some ideas to get started.

Your husband must learn that it is NEVER okay to yell at a child.  NEVER.  I don't care how old they are, as soon as you start yelling, you've lost the battle.  You've shown the child that you are out of control.  If you yell often, they will tune you out. If you yell much, you can damage their self-confidence and ruin their life.  If you yell once in a while, your child still learns NOT to trust you.  NEVER NEVER yell at a child! It is abusive, and your husband could go to jail.  Period.

Now... whenever you see your husband doing something great, praise him.  Praise him softly, sweetly, honestly.  Raising a husband is a bit like training a dog. Honest praise goes a long way.  If you praise him when he is patient, he will instinctively try to be more patient! 

However, for the sake of your child, if your husband does not show a sincere interest in learning to be a better dad, then you and your child need to get away from him. Go to the nearest shelter, and don't take him back unless he goes through anger management.





atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Aug. 27, 2012 at 11:55 AM
And you are having another child with him???
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MamaLys
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 1:12 PM

 Sometimes taking the time to explain is good(seeing you have already tired) I do not have much patients and I feel extremely terrible if I ever raise my voice makes me feel miserable...... What I do Is. Completely stop talking for a minute to breath (I don't even leave the room) and then I have to think about what I just said and I Always say sorry to my DD if I ever do anything to make her sad. All in all I stop and think and then apologies and then try asking her or telling her in a very low voice so she has no choice but to listen!!!!! it's hard when you don't understand!

You're Beautiful, Inside And Out <3

brrmom81
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 1:19 PM

 You could go to couples counseling to just voice your concerns and they would probally give him some pointers.

mommy091011
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 1:37 PM

i actually eneded up going to a family counselor and she gave a me a lot of insight. thank you for all the help. she told me that im around my son a child all day and my husband is around grown adults and the expectations are different. yes he expects a difference in my son than a grown adult but he doesnt know exactly what to expect so its more difficult. i DEVELOPED patience he never could with working and me staying home. so i showed him articles and i explained word for word what she told me because she said men usually understand math and logic better then emotions of any kind not all but most men are like this. so when you explain using logic and math rather than  "i feell... he feels... blah blah" he actually understands and is more likely to only have this occurance few more times. and men are more defensive than women so instead of feeling guilty and saying sory they feel guilty and say "why are you crying!" and usually tell someone to leave the room or storm out-a defensive technique whne guilt sets un. she also said to show him that you understand why hes ating this way and that you as well get tempted to yell but do whatever else instead. so that way he doesnt feel like its just him and you would never understand. i had this like 2 hour talk with him using this logic and reason a statisics so show he not alone but what it could lead to and he told me sorry and even thank you for helping him instead of yelling and getting angry at him. he said next time he will leave the room to calm down without saying a word or try to keep calm so his son doesnt grow up having screaming fits.  it really helped us. like i said hes a great dad he just needed a different way of hearing things and some advice that not blaming him or condecending him.

budgie1117
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 1:49 PM
1 mom liked this
I didn't see anywhere that she said she was upset she was pregnant again or that he's a bad guy. He has this one aspect of parenting that he struggles with.
I must have missed the memo where it says to only procreate with perfect people. :/


Quoting atlmom2:

And you are having another child with him???

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mommy091011
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 2:12 PM

hahaha this made me literally lol. thank you. ive been trying to get that  accross you just did it so much more comically. thank you again.

Quoting budgie1117:

I didn't see anywhere that she said she was upset she was pregnant again or that he's a bad guy. He has this one aspect of parenting that he struggles with.
I must have missed the memo where it says to only procreate with perfect people. :/


Quoting atlmom2:

And you are having another child with him???


atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Aug. 27, 2012 at 2:16 PM
Any guy like that who verbally abuses you and your child is not worth it. He is using excuses for not changing and will continue.


Quoting budgie1117:

I didn't see anywhere that she said she was upset she was pregnant again or that he's a bad guy. He has this one aspect of parenting that he struggles with.

I must have missed the memo where it says to only procreate with perfect people. :/




Quoting atlmom2:

And you are having another child with him???


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budgie1117
by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 2:24 PM
That could be true. I'm not saying she should put up with abuse. Getting pregnant isn't always planned or on purpose. Things aren't black and white in abusive relationships. To outsiders, they are, but it's a very complex (and very sad) situation to deal with. From what she wrote, he's a wonderful man for the most part. I'm just trying to point that aspect out. I think we women automatically jump to the conclusion that, if a man is hot tempered or yells at times, it means he must beat his woman and kids bloody. I'm a wonderful mother, but I do yell at times. I have very little patience and one hot Irish temper! I take after my father in that regard. My father was not angered easily, but when he was, Heaven help us all! Did that one aspect of his personality define what kind of parent he was? Absolutely not! He was funny, encouraging, smart, a good provider, CRAZY in love with my mom, played with us, helped with homework, laughed at our stupid jokes. One amazing guy! I hate for people to assume the OP's DH is a complete nightmare to live with, that's all.


Quoting atlmom2:

Any guy like that who verbally abuses you and your child is not worth it. He is using excuses for not changing and will continue.




Quoting budgie1117:

I didn't see anywhere that she said she was upset she was pregnant again or that he's a bad guy. He has this one aspect of parenting that he struggles with.


I must have missed the memo where it says to only procreate with perfect people. :/






Quoting atlmom2:

And you are having another child with him???



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