Feeling avoided by Pastor at church, not sure what to feel...PLEASE, no religious bashing
So here's my situation.
About a month ago, my husband was sent home from work a week early and kept home for a month (laid off) due to a lack of work in the oil fields. We are suffering because of the lack of income that is just now hitting us. He is back at work, but won't get paid for a few more weeks.
I only work part time and the rest of the time I take care of my children. We have been so short on food, gas and money for school clothes for my children, I went to the pastor of my church to ask if there were any food programs that could help us out until we get back on our feet, or at least until I get my small check next week. I was so embarrassed at having to ask for help I broke down from the humiliation. He explained to me that due to the small size of the church and congregation there were no programs available. He did however offer to go through his sons clothes and bring in any that he didn't need to donate to my son who is the same age. I told him I really appreciated that and left his office.
I have been trying to keep my chin up and pray to God to help me in my struggles, but it has been very difficult. We are living on potatoes, and whatever we have left in the freezer...frozen chicken patties, a couple of Totinos' Pizza's, hotdogs and corndogs, mostly stuff we use for lunches. We are down to 2 Pizza's and 4 chicken patties and then we will be out of any kind of main course completely.
3 weeks ago, I mentioned to my Pastor, that I would be very interested in helping to organize a type of food pantry at our church to help people out who are in the same situation as myself. I also mentioned that I was interested in getting Baptised. I've been a member at this church for 6 months and since renewing my relationship with the LORD, I feel I need to take that final step to feel "complete" in my new life with HIM. Since then, the pastor avoids me, seemingly at all costs. If I am within 3 feet of him and make eye contact he will move across the room. If I try to approach him, he will quickly strike up conversation with the nearest person to him. I FEEL him avoiding me. He is making it very clear he does not want to talk to me or hear anything I have to say.
Tonight when I dropped off my son for youth group, I went inside to ask the Pastor if he would see to it that another member who regularly brings my son home, would please give him a ride tonight, and to please get a message to my Bible Study guide at her home that I would not be attending tonight as I just had a tooth pulled yesterday, and my phone had been shut off. (I spent my last $20 yesterday making sure there would be milk and bread and potatoes in the house.) YES, I sacrifice my phone bill in order to feed my children. Their welfare is far more important than my phone to me.
so, now I am so self conscious, hurt and disappointed, I'm afraid to even return to church. But I will because it means so much to me and to my children! I just don't know what to do, how to act. I am completely appalled that a man who has dedicated his life to teaching the gospel, is acting in such a hypocritical way. I am new at church, and bible study...I am a new believer. That doesn't make me a bad person. I wasn't raised with awareness of the gospel, nor did my parents take me to church regularly. I had to find God on my own, luckily...HE found me! And now I am learning that God does not want us to judge one another, and yet I am feeling "judged" by the very man who is teaching me this? I am so in love with God, but I am feeling more and more that the reputation of the church and it's leaders are true, that it's all propaganda, do as I say, not as I do bologna! I don't want to give up, but I'm not very good at confrontations.
Thanks for listening...sorry it's so long and drawn out!