Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Need stepkid advice please

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:02 PM
  • 13 Replies

Hi all!  Hope you are having a good day.  I need advice, bad.  About a month and a half ago we got custody of my 5 (almost 6) yr old stepdaughter.  She's smart and sweet as can be... as long as "datty" isn't around.  When he is around, she turns into an annoying monster.  She hits him, sasses, and even drew blood the other night biting his leg, all he was doing was watching television.  He doesn't discipline.  The worst part is he will baby her non-stop, even when she's being a "sassy pants".  This morning when I got up for work she heard me bustling around in the kitchen and she yelled out "datty" from her bed, so I poked my head in and told her it was really early and daddy's still sleeping, why don't she try to go back to sleep.  I walk past her room five minutes later and he is loving and hugging on her.  I know that sounds petty, but it's just the constant feeling that I have no room in this house or say over that what happens or how are kids are raised.  When she asks for something and I answer her, she will do anything to get her father's attention to get his answer, like I never said a word.  When I walk through a room she is in, she will back way against the opposite wall to get away from me, like I'm going to hit her or something.  I have two boys from a previous marriage and I don't know if I'm just upset she wasn't raised in the same manner as they were or what.  It isn't jealousy, my husband is sure to give everyone attention, me and the boys included.  But, when it comes to her, he's so "babyish" it's making me angry, losing attraction to him even.  She will go places with me, like to the store, and she's sweet as can be, hold conversations with me and everything, but the minute he enters the room, she talks baby talk, demands for him to hold her, says "datty" so many times I want to scream.  She has visited us many times before we got custody, so she's been comfortable.  She follows him through the house, waits outside the bathroom door for him, when he gets up for a coffee refill she's right behind him.  Dare we have a conversation, she must come in and start screaming "datty, datty, datty".  I'm not sure what to do, but it's to the point it's already hurting the marriage, I want to go.   SO, my questions is what do I do from here?  Is it me?  Is it my problem that I need to get over?  Do I need to give them more time (I make sure they have alone time together often)?  I just want all the kids to be treated the same, I'm so angry it isn't that way.  My husband is good to my boys, but how do I get him to stop babying her so much and make her a part of our family instead of the "princess" he makes her out to be.  I just want all the kids to have the same rules!

 

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:02 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:12 PM

It sounds like she is being a 5 yr old who wants to remain her daddys baby girl.  Explain to her that she needs to be a big girl now and daddy will always love her.  I am guessing she is the only girl child so she will be his favorite daughter  Also talk to husband and sit down together to discuss house rules that everyone must follow and consequences for everyone if those rules arent followed.  For a 5 yr old I would still do time outs or take away a privilege.  Depending on circumstances, daddy may feel guilty for taking her away from mommy as well so that will keep the baby talk going.

cheri1221
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:17 PM

My husband keeps telling me he feels guilty when he disciplines her.  That's insane to me, not as long as you let her know what she did wrong after the punishment is over and then show her some affection to let her know he still loves her.  I just know it gets on my nerves so bad, the baby talk especially.  I think you are right, me and my husband need to sit down and lay ground rules and consequences.  I've tried that before, I'm just scared he's going to take it as I'm telling him he's a bad father.  I just want all the kids to be part of this family... I love her, I really do, but she makes it difficult to tolerate her most of the time.

erinsmom1964
by Gold Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 3:47 PM

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but odds are they will never be treated the same.  The problem isn't you its him.  THIS is exactly why 75% of second marriages with minor children fail.  Really there isn't much you personally can do he has to pull his head out of his ass or your in for misery

frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:00 PM

If he is open to it, maybe take a class about how to make a blended family work so everyone understands their roles in family.  I was the only girl on dads side of family so g-grandmother liked to treat me to special things alot.   He needs to get the guilt out of his mind/heart so he can teach her how to be a functioning member of the world since this starts while they are a child.

Big girl talk = big girl privileges like perhaps getting nails painted, go to park to play on swings etc.

I was always the one picked on in the family by my moms husband who thought his son was a golden child and never sought counseling for him to heal from whatever happened at moms.  He is such a mess now.

Quoting cheri1221:

My husband keeps telling me he feels guilty when he disciplines her.  That's insane to me, not as long as you let her know what she did wrong after the punishment is over and then show her some affection to let her know he still loves her.  I just know it gets on my nerves so bad, the baby talk especially.  I think you are right, me and my husband need to sit down and lay ground rules and consequences.  I've tried that before, I'm just scared he's going to take it as I'm telling him he's a bad father.  I just want all the kids to be part of this family... I love her, I really do, but she makes it difficult to tolerate her most of the time.


savingtheworld
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:10 PM
Your in the right direction..yes,sounds annoying..but bk off a little..an bite your tongue a little..yes I agree u have to have rules for all the children..I recently married an he has 3 an I have 3 kids..its been 2 yrs an its finally getting better..I felt like my husband didn't need to b so soft, an let he's daughter sas him..
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
terpmama
by Bronze Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:33 PM
Family counseling... Family rules... And you and your dh need to be on e same page.
thanush
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 4:47 PM
1 mom liked this
A girl will always be daddy's princess no matter what age. But that doesn't mean spoiling her either. There should be a balance. Give them some time or you will end up being the bad one..
I don't think it's you.. I think it's how some kids are with certain parents. They eventually grow out of it, if we handled it right.
About the incident, if your DH decided he can go be with her, he can. It's not your place to stop him. Even if you were the bio mom, it would be the same. You wouldn't want your DH to tell you what you can or can't do with her or your kids if you feel up to it, so he should have the same privileges as a parent. It's his sleep he's cutting off, so that's his call.
robyann
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:39 PM

 You need to sit down with your dh and talk this all out. He needs to see that his babying her is not in her best interest. She needs to know that she will be treated just like the other kids, because you love them and love her the same way. I'm sure she may feel insecure about moving in with her dad now. She feels like she has to keep making sure he loves her. The best way for him to show her, though, is to make her a part of the family. I hope you and your dh and calmly talk about this, because this little girl needs you and her dad to make her feel safe and secure, and included. GL

IntactivistMama
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:10 PM

Stop doing things with her. Do not take her with you places if you do not have to. 

I am extremely vocal when it comes to my stepson interrupting me and DH for no good reason. I will flat out tell him "we are having an adult conversation. Go find something to do." 

Sit down and talk with your DH without the kids around. Calmly say what you think the problem is and maybe how he can fix it. He may have the "guilty dad syndrome" as my DH used to.

Sunshinebee0502
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 9:57 PM

 I personally think you need to talk to your husband about your concerns they seem valid. I do not have step children though so I don't really know the ends and outs of it but I know what I expect from my own kids towards their father's long time gf and I wouldn't appreciate my kids acting that way. I understand that this might be a hard time for her as well so maybe you guys can talk to her about things as well (Of course age appropriate ways) Or maybe after talking to him he could talk to her. I would also maybe (if at all possible) seeking some sort of marriage counseling for your relationship which will in turn help your family as a whole. Whether or not it seems like a big change per se it is and would of course come with complications. Best of luck

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured