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Judge wont let me move with my son who is 5.

Im a stay at home mother who has 4 children. My oldest son Ethan who is 5 is from another relationship. Met my husband when Ethan was 14 months and we have grown into a bigger family with my other 3 children who are 3 and 18 month twin boys.  I would say Ethan's father loves him but he is not strongly involved in doing activities with him and sends him away to grandparents so he can have more adult time with his girlfriend. I had Ethan shortly out of high school and had to juggle a part time job and finding rides to get to work and taking care of  him, My husband was going to college in my home town where we met.  We got married and had unplanned pregnancies but knew to keep working and for him to finish school to better financially support our family, we had to go on state aid but always said we will only use it to get us off our feet and to keep working hard to get of it.  Well that day has happened for us and My husband landed a nice paying job down state ( we live in Michigan, the U.P.) close to family with helping hands and better schooling.We got a ourselves a lawyer and went to court to be able to move with Ethan. I have joint custody with his father.  We needed to move to better Ethan and our family's life. We could take Ethan off of all stat aid, could pay for school lunch, medicaid and move him out of public housing and where i could have help with Ethan with his school work or take him to do activities . Judge did not see it bettering Ethans life and only to better mine. He could not keep a close bond with his father. I dont know how it would be better for Ethan to be away from his brothers and mother. His father's lawyer was trying to tell me and the judge that my husband can work 3 jobs and I start work and put all our kids in free child care and to live off of state aid because we can get it for free and that is a good way of living.  I want a house to put my children in, to be off state aid, to be able to take them on vacations and be able to give them nice winter clothes and give money to them for school things. Friends and family tell me its the best for my family to move but I have anxiety when im away from Ethan, he is my life and everything to me, Im so torn from this, I feel helpless. Why cant I take him with me. I have to choose money over my son. What will he think? that i left him? I wont to have a strong bond with him. I wont know whats going on with his school. IM going to keep fighting in court to get them to let me take him.     

I dont move for another few weeks. I need advice NOW I need help. Can I win in court next time??? should I stay and live poor, as long as Im with all my children. By the way there is NO good full time paying jobs in the U.P. with benefits. Please give me advice please or how to cope with this.

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 5:15 PM
Replies (21-30):
mommymarquette
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:23 PM

The Judge did not think I was being selfish but did not think with being 8 hours away could the father keep the same bond. I need to come up with a better parenting plan. If its wrong to not have a close bond with the father then what about his mother and brothers, Iam the parent who will do everything to help with maintaining the bond with the father and son if we can move with him. He wont talk to me so he cant brain storm with me on new ideas and ways to do that but I will do that by myself so it will help with father and child. IM not going to give up. This is worth fighting for. I felt so hopeless and lost that why Im trying to fine advice on cafemom,even if its not what I want to hear, its something that I do needs to be said, I need to turn my stress into postivie ways to keep on moving on with this. IM just wondering what views are from stepmothers or just mothers that are thinking of the dad.

Cpdsptchgrl
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:26 PM
I may be in this position very soon. It's a heart wrenching choice to make.
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beadingmom17
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:32 PM
Could your husband drive down and work during the week and them come home on weekends? I know many friends who live up north that do this...not the most ideal thing but you do what you have to do.
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mommymarquette
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:35 PM

The dad does not go to school functions , our child has being going to head start for 2 years and haven't done that, I have been going and visiting with him in school, it makes him happy to see a parent stopping and helping out in his class room. The father doesnt look into any active sports or activities that our son can attend , My husband and I got him into T-ball which made him happy and was so proud to get a metal at the end to show what a good job he did.

snowangel1979
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:45 PM
Has your Dh maybe looked in Travis (sp?) City. It may be within 100 miles if they allow you to draw a straight line. Not driving road line. LOL.

I totally feel ya. We have been trying to do the opposite for 4 year, Move to the u.p. but there is literally no jobs period. I don't think people realize that It's forest dotted with little towns.

How often does he see your DS. Is it every weekend or less. You could say you live there and drive back every weekend. Change your address to a family members.


Quoting mommymarquette:

There is noting wrong with My husband and I to have children. Im not letting America, the public to say poor people shouldnt have kids, thats crazy, I love being a mother and what matters is that My husband and I are doing everything in our power to support our family the best we can. HEY when I had the child with the first father we could NOT afford our baby,so what does that say about him??? Oh its ok for him but its bad to have more children with someone I love and want to grown into a great family. I wouldnt want to move if there is jobs in the U.P.  there is nothing close to a good job in 100 miles for where we live.  His father is not active in his life as he should be and to bash his mother to him is not whats best for our son. As to the judge, I didnt get all my facts that I needed to put out there, I need a better lawyer. Im glad to see people writing the other view on this. I do sit and wonder and try to see what we can do not to leave or is it best to move with our son or to leave him and I come up with to never leave my child. We need money yes thats what America makes everything to be about but I believe its more about FAMILY its just really hard with out money, Im trapped about this whole thing but then we need to better support our family and the son Im fighting for is our family and what makes us whole.  We need to move with my first child and Ill fight till I cant, Im willing to do so much to keep My son and his father to be close, IM willing to drop CS, pay for gas to see him if he feels like the drive would be to much for our child, which we go down state a lot to see family and he doesnt have a problem with the drive, he loves going over the bridge, make stops to run around and pee, it gives him time to read books and drawn, from what I see with my child and driving that long is that he is fine with it and can enjoy being in the car. I would feel different about this move and being able to drive to take him to his father if our child did have a hard time in the car and just hated it , but like I said I dont not see that and when we are driving I always make sure he is doing ok in the car.


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mommymarquette
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:48 PM

beadingmom17 thats what my husband is doing right now but with gas prices its hard to do that for so much a month and my van is not in good shape to be driving down state and at the moment of paying rent and bills and to drive to see each othere its hard to save for a new car, Iv been renting a van to see him and for a one week to rent pluse gas its $500. We skype and do phone calls and he also sends postcards to the boys with the bridge picture on it and a cute message for them. Its starting to take a toll on him being away from the boys and I, right now its as if hes the summer parent.We are surviving with his income, with winter we need new boots and jackets which i do the best with hand me downs that I can. It would be nice if there was a good online work at home job but I haven't found any so that I could help with cost of seeing each other and attorney. We need to be a close family even if it means we have to stay poor, just dont want to give up right now. My husband is still looking for closer jobs when hes not at work.

MicheleJM
by Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:48 PM
I was able to move-with my ex-dhs permission. We meet at a half way point, no problem withthe judge signing off on it. Of course it is 90 miles, not 8 hours.
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momof6nokc
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:54 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting mommymarquette:

There is noting wrong with My husband and I to have children. Im not letting America, the public to say poor people shouldnt have kids, thats crazy, I love being a mother and what matters is that My husband and I are doing everything in our power to support our family the best we can. HEY when I had the child with the first father we could NOT afford our baby,so what does that say about him??? IF you cannot feed or care for your children without assistance then please stop popping them out.  Period.  It is NOT your ex's problem---it's YOURS.  Oh its ok for him but its bad to have more children with someone I love and want to grown into a great family. I wouldnt want to move if there is jobs in the U.P.  there is nothing close to a good job in 100 miles for where we live.  His father is not active in his life as he should be and to bash his mother to him is not whats best for our son.His father has him 26 weeks of the year, just as you do.  That is an active, involved parent.  He also pays CS correct?????  Sorry, peddle your story of "deadbeat" dad to another audience as it is clear the judge did not buy the line you are trying to feed people. As to the judge, I didnt get all my facts that I needed to put out there, I need a better lawyer. Im glad to see people writing the other view on this. I do sit and wonder and try to see what we can do not to leave or is it best to move with our son If you defy the court order I PROMISE YOU that you will lose custody of your son, likely until he is 18 years old.  You can also be jailed for contempt.  Do not defy the court order.  or to leave him and I come up with to never leave my child. We need money yes thats what America makes everything to be about but I believe its more about FAMILY its just really hard with out money, Im trapped about this whole thing but then we need to better support our family and the son Im fighting for is our family and what makes us whole. That child probably makes your ex's life "whole" as well.  This may come as a shocker to you, but this is not all about YOU.  Other people are involved, primarily the child who needs both parents. However YOU are choosing to move so YOU will have to be the one to make the sacrifices.   We need to move with my first child and Ill fight till I cant, Im willing to do so much to keep My son and his father to be close, IM willing to drop CS, pay for gas to see him if he feels like the drive would be to much for our child, which we go down state a lot to see family and he doesnt have a problem with the drive, he loves going over the bridge, make stops to run around and pee, it gives him time to read books and drawn, from what I see with my child and driving that long is that he is fine with it and can enjoy being in the car. I would feel different about this move and being able to drive to take him to his father if our child did have a hard time in the car and just hated it , but like I said I dont not see that and when we are driving I always make sure he is doing ok in the car. Great!  It sounds like your son will have no problem driving to visit YOU 15 weeks out of the year!!!

A previous poster had some advice about your husband working through the week and driving home on the weekends. That seems like your best bet since you lost your court case already and I assure you, the judge is not going to change his mind no matter how compelling you think your reasons for taking the child away from his dad are.

Sometimes as a mother you have to do what is BEST for your child.  This is not always the easiest or best thing for YOU.  That is called sacrifice.  Society demands that "good" mothers always have their children with them and demeans/disparages mothers who choose to give up custody.  As a result we have children living in homeless shelters or cars with their "good" moms when there is a perfectly good, stable home with the father.  But mom won't put the child where it's stable and safe because she fears that will make her "bad".  

Guess what?  It doesn't make you a bad mother to give custody to the father while you get off PA and back on your feet. 

If you have to move with your husband and 3 children in order to better your opportunities, then do so.  Get on your feet, let your husband establish himself in his field, and move back to the town your son is in. 


It's very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage.  Or, as I like to call it:  'marriage'.  You know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch.  I parked my car, I didn't gay park it." 

~Liz Feldman~

kim8934
by Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 12:57 PM

just because your husband landed a good job doesn't mean you will do all the things you say.  House, vacation, better schools are just promises.

Personally, for me, I would stay with all my kids and have hubby get a small apartment by the new job.  Keep records of how often ex spends with your eldest son, phone calls, etc.  you might be able to change the child custody order if he isn't seeing his son that often.

mommymarquette
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 1:01 PM

My husband did get a job offered in Gaylord MI and we had a court date to see if we could move there and 4 days before court they called and changed their minds. I think if he could have been working in Gaylord it would be better for use. but even the whole 100 mile rule, wouldnt we still have to go to court to fight about schooling so I just dont get  why its like that.  We have week on and week off with our child right now. My husband applied all over Michigan and states close then it became to looking at jobs all over America for anything that would pay good and with benefits, he applied to jobs he didnt go to college for just to see if they would hire out of knowing that he did have a bachelor degree, he landed the job he has now by throwing himself out there talking to people at weddings to see if companies are hiring. Im blessed to have a husband who is doing the best he can for his family.

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