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Funeral Day/Tween Being Dramatic

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My husband's father died 3 days ago. He was 86 yrs old and in ill health for some time. Last night the family had a private viewing after which we had family congregate at our house. This morning I had to get 3 kids out of the house for a 10 a.m. funeral followed by a long procession to the burial and back to the church for a sort of informal reception. We had colds and I have a recurrent inner ear infection so when I woke I had vertigo which eventually went away with a decongestant, but not being able to stand on my two feet makes getting ready that much more difficult.

We got back home about 4 pm, fed our kids dinner and our 2 and 3 yr olds fell asleep early having missed their naps. Our 12 year old seemed to adjust to her grandfather's passing well enough; she's already lost all other grandparents. But, she continues to do what she has been doing for quite some time: treating me like she's the mother and I'm the child.

Her incessant nagging, belittling, over sensitivity and downright disrespectfulness are hard enough,but worse, she doesn't listen to me. She's a sweet girl and a good student but every moment we're together I either feel guilty for something, stressed out, or like crap. She's a drama queen, alright. I have to remind myself of her phase but I am having a hard time teaching her what I feel is right.

So here's what she just did, which is pretty typical. After such a day as we had, she complains that the garbage is full. I was relaxing on the computer here and not planning on doing any house cleaning. I ignored her. Then, she takes out the floor vac. Well, I asked her a bunch of times to stop. She was going to wake the babies. My Dh and I wake 1-3x a night, and after all of this, we certainly don't want to be up with toddlers awake. It's 10:30 pm and she is defiantly vacuuming the floor when I said no. She says it's disgusting. Yes, it's dirty, but yes, it can wait til tomorrow. Then she proceeds to want to swiffer it. I told her no, it'd make too much noise, I'm going to bed I dont want the light on from the kitchen waking me. She doesn't have to do this now, or at all. She tells me I should be greatful that she wants to help and I say I am, but not now. Now is not the time.

She grew up an only child untl she was 10, and so all she remembers is a cleaner house because I didn't have two toddlers running around. I could clean better before, but I told her I had the same messy house when SHE was a toddler. She says it's not normal, blah blah blah and I tell her it is.

I get that she's at that age where appearance is EVERYTHING, and she's embarrassed about EVERYTHING. I just get annoyed because she won't listen. Not only that, but she criticizes me which makes me feel lke one of those hoarder women, and I'm not and my house is not dirty like that. She makes me feel awful. She criticizes other things about me. Every time she's awake and everyone else is sleeping and I'm just trying to wind down, she's picking on me or we argue, and she gves me huge anxiety.

I don't know if advice can be given,but just venting made me feel better.

 

by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:07 PM
Replies (11-20):
3lilmonsters88
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:11 PM
Doesn't matter if she's grieveing it does not give her any right what so ever to speak to her mother and treat her mother the way she does. Disrupting a family is not a way to get praised and rewarded which is exactly what you said OP should do.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.



Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  

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melisawoosley
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:16 PM
2 moms liked this
Idc what you're going through, you don't talk to people that way. Maybe its my "good southern raising" but i woulda been beat. 10:30 is not cleaning time and if she wants to sit back and make comments like that the very next day i wouldn't lift a finger and let her do it all. Let her see what its like when you really don't do anything.
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collegemomma844
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:43 PM

 When I am mad at someone or upset I clean maybe she doesn't feel like crying yet but angery her grandfather is gone. It's best to be kept busy when upset. Maybe in the morning have her help out cleaning. Maybe tell her when she's ready to talk you will be there for her.

 

buttersworth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 7:51 PM

No, it is not how she handles grief. The day after he died, she nagged me to take her to the mall to get a new dress for the funeral to fit in with her cousins. She had dresses to wear. I don't think she's heartless, but she is concerned about things now that aren't practical to an adult. She didn't want to clean to help me, she wanted to clean because she doesn't like the floor dirty under her feet and she knew i wasnt going to do it til morning. It is typical of her to ignore most things I say the first 5 times even when it has nothing to do with contributing to the household.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


KRIZZ25
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i love my black men ,my rocker dudes but the only ones the love me back are babies ,old mean ..can we meet in the middle .
Today at 5:20 PM
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 8:00 PM
1 mom liked this
get up take the vac turn it off and tell her "no ..stop it"..and the addtdue will stop..tell her "i am mother u are the child u will do what i say ..if ya don't like their is the dam door ..now go to ur room and be quiet !!! put ur foot down ..if u don't now u will have a hell a lot of problems..
buttersworth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 8:06 PM

CoeyG, We just got back from a funeral. It was a long day in the cold rain and my husband was upset. We were all exhausted, emotionally and physically, and my 12 yr old does not know how to be quiet moving around doing anything even when she tries. CoeyG, have you ever been in this situation? I've already lost both my parents. I didn't have the boys yet. So my Dh took over making dinner when I was grieving. Now I do the same for him, which means no help whatsoever with all 3 kids, dinner, bath, etc, and I had to entertain his side so the kids were up late and tired the next day they were carted all over.

When I tell her not to do something, and explain to her WHY which I don't even really have to do, but do it so she understands  - and then she defies me because she doesn't care if I'm up all night - and then I KNOW the next day when i'm too tired to bring her somewhere fun, she will complain again  : that's disrespectful, not grieving and not helpful. She's like ths all the time regardless of funerals.

Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Doesn't matter if she's grieveing it does not give her any right what so ever to speak to her mother and treat her mother the way she does. Disrupting a family is not a way to get praised and rewarded which is exactly what you said OP should do.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.



Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


CoeyG
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 8:39 PM


Quoting buttersworth:

No, it is not how she handles grief. The day after he died, she nagged me to take her to the mall to get a new dress for the funeral to fit in with her cousins. She had dresses to wear. I don't think she's heartless, but she is concerned about things now that aren't practical to an adult. She didn't want to clean to help me, she wanted to clean because she doesn't like the floor dirty under her feet and she knew i wasnt going to do it til morning. It is typical of her to ignore most things I say the first 5 times even when it has nothing to do with contributing to the household.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


Like I said, I'd let her clean the floor.  I'd go to my room go to bed and let her stay up and clean the floor.  For me it wouldn't be a major issue.  There are far too many other things in life for me to deal with than the fact that my daughter doesn't like walking on a dirty floor and cleaning it herself.  

7blessings
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 8:43 PM

First, I'm sorry for your loss.  I think it is incredibly nice of you to be handling everything so that your husband can grieve. 

I really try not to be negative but I have to say that you, CoeyG, are totally clueless!  It doesn't matter if she is *grieving* or not, she needs to obey her mother (and not have the bad attitude either).  It is my guess that you have NOT had to deal with tired, cranky toddlers that have been woken up before it's time for them to wake up! =/

My suggestion:  Come up with a chore list that she is to do on a DAILY basis.  She doesn't want to do them; she gets things taken away that are important to her.  When she starts to belittle you or speak with attitude, have *special* chores for her to do ~ something hard like scrubbing toilets, wiping down cabinets, cleaning the fridge or microwave.  In time, her snippy, critical attitude will disappate if she is met with a calm, collected attitude and consistency from you and dad. 

Also, her saying that you "ought to be thankful she is cleaning up" is really disrespectful, IMO.  Really?  I would tell her that she helped dirty it so it is her DUTY to help clean it!!  The family unit is a team and each part of the family should pitch in and do chores.  She sounds really ungrateful!  

Be consistent!  EVERYtime she mouths off, have a *special* chore for her.  She continues to mouth of start taking things from her even down to her favorite clothes if need be.   The key:  DON'T GIVE IN!  If you say no phone for 2 weeks then make it EXACTLY 2 weeks, not one day less.  Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Just my 2 "sense"!  Hope everything works out for you! 

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting Ivoryskyangel:

And I think she will survive not cleaning. There are other ways to handle grief... disrupting the family is not a healthy one. Talking to her Mother like that is not a healthy one either.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occored to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


Oh good grief "disrupting the family"  Somebody has died, the family has already been "disruppted"  I'm not going to change my opinion.  But keep making up excuses. 


~ Pam ~

Wife to 1 Hubby...Pat...& Mom to 8 Blessings...Josh, Madison, Megan, Mackenzie, Mary Beth, J. Caleb, Molly & Jeremiah!

mamakin616
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 9:25 PM

Sorry but I think in a house with a 2 and 3 yr old the floor shouldn't be so dirty that people can't stand to walk on it, and the trash shouldn't be over flowing..and yes I have dealt with kids that age I have 7 .I have also had 2 grand daughters living here with mine .My house has never been dirty like that ,when the trash gets full .it gets emptied .No waiting for the next day .When you drop something ..pick it up, don't leave it there or walk over it. I have never had a child wake up from the vaccuum running and thats when I use it ,when the kids are asleep out of the way of it.It takes two minutes. It sounds like you want to argue with her as much as she likes to point out that she does not like to live in filth and that she is willing to clean it when everyone else is just sitting there doing nothing.You could have avoided the whole problem by saying I have had areally hard day waiting on everyone else thank you for doing this for me... Instaed you put her down and sit on the computer and your kids are still waking up to a dirty house.

jamieharper08
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 9:41 PM

Shhhhhhhh....just please be quiet. You sound ignorant.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting buttersworth:

No, it is not how she handles grief. The day after he died, she nagged me to take her to the mall to get a new dress for the funeral to fit in with her cousins. She had dresses to wear. I don't think she's heartless, but she is concerned about things now that aren't practical to an adult. She didn't want to clean to help me, she wanted to clean because she doesn't like the floor dirty under her feet and she knew i wasnt going to do it til morning. It is typical of her to ignore most things I say the first 5 times even when it has nothing to do with contributing to the household.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


Like I said, I'd let her clean the floor.  I'd go to my room go to bed and let her stay up and clean the floor.  For me it wouldn't be a major issue.  There are far too many other things in life for me to deal with than the fact that my daughter doesn't like walking on a dirty floor and cleaning it herself.  


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