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Funeral Day/Tween Being Dramatic

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My husband's father died 3 days ago. He was 86 yrs old and in ill health for some time. Last night the family had a private viewing after which we had family congregate at our house. This morning I had to get 3 kids out of the house for a 10 a.m. funeral followed by a long procession to the burial and back to the church for a sort of informal reception. We had colds and I have a recurrent inner ear infection so when I woke I had vertigo which eventually went away with a decongestant, but not being able to stand on my two feet makes getting ready that much more difficult.

We got back home about 4 pm, fed our kids dinner and our 2 and 3 yr olds fell asleep early having missed their naps. Our 12 year old seemed to adjust to her grandfather's passing well enough; she's already lost all other grandparents. But, she continues to do what she has been doing for quite some time: treating me like she's the mother and I'm the child.

Her incessant nagging, belittling, over sensitivity and downright disrespectfulness are hard enough,but worse, she doesn't listen to me. She's a sweet girl and a good student but every moment we're together I either feel guilty for something, stressed out, or like crap. She's a drama queen, alright. I have to remind myself of her phase but I am having a hard time teaching her what I feel is right.

So here's what she just did, which is pretty typical. After such a day as we had, she complains that the garbage is full. I was relaxing on the computer here and not planning on doing any house cleaning. I ignored her. Then, she takes out the floor vac. Well, I asked her a bunch of times to stop. She was going to wake the babies. My Dh and I wake 1-3x a night, and after all of this, we certainly don't want to be up with toddlers awake. It's 10:30 pm and she is defiantly vacuuming the floor when I said no. She says it's disgusting. Yes, it's dirty, but yes, it can wait til tomorrow. Then she proceeds to want to swiffer it. I told her no, it'd make too much noise, I'm going to bed I dont want the light on from the kitchen waking me. She doesn't have to do this now, or at all. She tells me I should be greatful that she wants to help and I say I am, but not now. Now is not the time.

She grew up an only child untl she was 10, and so all she remembers is a cleaner house because I didn't have two toddlers running around. I could clean better before, but I told her I had the same messy house when SHE was a toddler. She says it's not normal, blah blah blah and I tell her it is.

I get that she's at that age where appearance is EVERYTHING, and she's embarrassed about EVERYTHING. I just get annoyed because she won't listen. Not only that, but she criticizes me which makes me feel lke one of those hoarder women, and I'm not and my house is not dirty like that. She makes me feel awful. She criticizes other things about me. Every time she's awake and everyone else is sleeping and I'm just trying to wind down, she's picking on me or we argue, and she gves me huge anxiety.

I don't know if advice can be given,but just venting made me feel better.

 

by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:07 PM
Replies (21-28):
RetiredUSAFWife
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 9:46 PM

She's well on her way to Puberty if she isn't already there LOL. Kids of that age tend to be very moody at times. I wouldn't stop her from helping you. (Even if ti's in the evenings). Kids and toddlers are like rubber balls, they always bounce back. Once they are asleep for the night, they're usually in a deep sleep, so it probably woudn't affect them to much if they're upstairs and she's downstairs. I'd let her help out as much as she is willing to. (if she were mine LOL). Seriously though, she's just craving your attention by the sounds of it. Let her know that a little "dirt" Is actually a sign of health. Umm!! lets face it, if a toddler didn't get dirty once in a while you'd think he wasn't normal LOL. Seriously though, a little dirt here and isn't a big deal, it shows that the place is lived in and that love is there too. So God Bless You, for sharing this. Sooner or later you'll be rewarded by this girl if you'll pay attention to her needs, once in a while. Sometimes I get really frustrated with the overload we have with adopting our grand daughter, but guess what, The children do come first regardless. A little dirt isn't going to hurt now and then You are right, but if she wants to do the cleaning let her.

buttersworth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:02 PM

I'm just trying to nip it in the bud. It's the attitude. I think another responder was right: she wants attention. I recently gave her some one on one time for her birthday, and she had fun. But she also spares no criticism of me after that. She even picks on how I eat. She complains if I don't buy organic milk, etc etc etc. I'm just doing what I can. It's hard keeping up with children of different ages and I have 4 pets that need care who are just getting the basics lately, gosh, they want to be pet and walked more too, I feel completely overwhelmed. Hearing someone, even if it is a kid, berate me all the time is wearing.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting buttersworth:

No, it is not how she handles grief. The day after he died, she nagged me to take her to the mall to get a new dress for the funeral to fit in with her cousins. She had dresses to wear. I don't think she's heartless, but she is concerned about things now that aren't practical to an adult. She didn't want to clean to help me, she wanted to clean because she doesn't like the floor dirty under her feet and she knew i wasnt going to do it til morning. It is typical of her to ignore most things I say the first 5 times even when it has nothing to do with contributing to the household.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  

 

Like I said, I'd let her clean the floor.  I'd go to my room go to bed and let her stay up and clean the floor.  For me it wouldn't be a major issue.  There are far too many other things in life for me to deal with than the fact that my daughter doesn't like walking on a dirty floor and cleaning it herself.  


bcauseimthemom
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:09 PM

My twelve year old is picking on me?? Is this seriously what you, the parent is whining about??  Where do you think she gets the attitude taht she has?? Take a look in the mirrror.  How about giving her some consequences for her actions and discipline her instead of arguing with her?? She is the child, you are the parent... act like it. Tired or not, you decided to have these children... she didn't.  If the garbage was that nasty, maybe you should have taken care of it and avoided the scene with her since you seem to let her have the control in your home.

CoeyG
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:28 PM


Quoting buttersworth:

I'm just trying to nip it in the bud. It's the attitude. I think another responder was right: she wants attention. I recently gave her some one on one time for her birthday, and she had fun. But she also spares no criticism of me after that. She even picks on how I eat. She complains if I don't buy organic milk, etc etc etc. I'm just doing what I can. It's hard keeping up with children of different ages and I have 4 pets that need care who are just getting the basics lately, gosh, they want to be pet and walked more too, I feel completely overwhelmed. Hearing someone, even if it is a kid, berate me all the time is wearing.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting buttersworth:

No, it is not how she handles grief. The day after he died, she nagged me to take her to the mall to get a new dress for the funeral to fit in with her cousins. She had dresses to wear. I don't think she's heartless, but she is concerned about things now that aren't practical to an adult. She didn't want to clean to help me, she wanted to clean because she doesn't like the floor dirty under her feet and she knew i wasnt going to do it til morning. It is typical of her to ignore most things I say the first 5 times even when it has nothing to do with contributing to the household.

Quoting CoeyG:


Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


Like I said, I'd let her clean the floor.  I'd go to my room go to bed and let her stay up and clean the floor.  For me it wouldn't be a major issue.  There are far too many other things in life for me to deal with than the fact that my daughter doesn't like walking on a dirty floor and cleaning it herself.  


The attitude is normal puberty.  When mine talked back to me I ignored her for the rest of the day...plus she didn't her priviliges, no television, no video games, no computer time, if she had homework that required the use of the computer I allowed for that but when homework was done so was computer time.  

She didn't have her own telelvision or computer in her room and I monitored and supervised the time she used them.  

Cpdsptchgrl
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:35 PM
I would have been proud of her for stepping up and praised her for that.
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buttersworth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 10:49 PM

Yes, it is possible to pick on your mother. Its nit picky and not enough to punish her for each circumstance but combined, yes, it's tiring.

I decided to have the other children but we're a family and she is not the only child living here..she needs to have some regard for others living in the same house.

The arguing comes because I used to be able to talk to her, and she would listen and learn, and it would make sense to both of us. But she is at a selfish age now and doesn't care, and just wants to do what she wants. So yes, she is starting to get consequences, but I am not going to be able to stop her talking unless I want to create a totally unbearable home for her.

The garbage wasn't nasty. It was full. I have two garbages under my sink so there was another.

Quoting bcauseimthemom:

My twelve year old is picking on me?? Is this seriously what you, the parent is whining about??  Where do you think she gets the attitude taht she has?? Take a look in the mirrror.  How about giving her some consequences for her actions and discipline her instead of arguing with her?? She is the child, you are the parent... act like it. Tired or not, you decided to have these children... she didn't.  If the garbage was that nasty, maybe you should have taken care of it and avoided the scene with her since you seem to let her have the control in your home.


Acid
by Silver Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:08 PM

Normally I agree with you.  Today, not so much.

It was ten thirty at night, she had been asked to stop lots of times.  There is no cleaning that needs to be done at ten thirty at night when people are trying to sleep.

Aside from all that, the child is being disrespectful, mean, nasty and belitting her mother.  NO KID should ever act like that.

Rewarding a kid for misbehaving, being rude, not listening, belitting and being defiant is why we have children that think they own the world.  It's why we have children who can't take a shit on their own, it's why we have kids who go to school, don't do the work, but can't be failed because their parents think they are precious snowflakes.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  


Only when the last tree has been cut down,
Only when the last river has been poisoned,
Only when the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.

— Cree Indian Prophecy

CoeyG
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 11:19 PM


Quoting Acid:

Normally I agree with you.  Today, not so much.

It was ten thirty at night, she had been asked to stop lots of times.  There is no cleaning that needs to be done at ten thirty at night when people are trying to sleep.

Aside from all that, the child is being disrespectful, mean, nasty and belitting her mother.  NO KID should ever act like that.

Rewarding a kid for misbehaving, being rude, not listening, belitting and being defiant is why we have children that think they own the world.  It's why we have children who can't take a shit on their own, it's why we have kids who go to school, don't do the work, but can't be failed because their parents think they are precious snowflakes.

Quoting CoeyG:

It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  


You missed my point.  I wouldn't have asked her to stop to begin with.  I don't give a damn what time it is when my kid wanted to clean I let her go at it.  Like I said, it wouldn't have been a major issue with me.  Next morning I would have thanked her for cleaning and offered to take her to the mall or someplace special for it.  

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