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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Finding a Birthmother

Posted by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 3:59 AM
  • 18 Replies

So my son's father was adopted and though he wouldn't admit it I think it has always bother him. Now from the moment I found out there has always been this part of me that want to find his birth parents to tell them they have a grandson. My ex and I haven't been together for almost a year now and don't talk much either enless I getting notice from the county hotel (jail) but for the sake of my son I want him to know his family. Now I don't have much info due to the adoption being closed and my ex's family doesn't talk to me much. But does anyone know how to find a birthparent that had a closed adoption, and any kind of info for that matter. Being a mother I would want to know and I would like to think that his birthmother would too.

by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 3:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
juicebox.
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 5:08 AM
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Does your son have a relationship with his father's parents?  And if so, then that is his family and those are his grandparents.  I am adopted, I have never been bothered that I was adopted or have had any interest in finding my birth parents.  I would actually be livid if someone chose to do that on my behalf.  I now have a son and the thought of searching for my birth parents to let them know they have a biological grandchild has never even crossed my mind.  Adoption is a choice, my birth parents were not ready to be parents.  My adoptive parents were, and they are my family, they raised me and provided for me.  My birth parents now have lives of their own that do not involve me, as do I have my own life that does not involve them.  I see it more as why disrupt the lives of so many and for what?  I would say the adoption is closed for a reason, and I don't think it would be your place to seek them out, sorry.

Elyssa414
by Bronze Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 5:21 AM
3 moms liked this
I think that it's not really up to you to find your ex's birthmom, unless you talk to him about it first and he wants you to.

I understand your intentions for your child, but its a deeply personal thing. Plus, you don't know what you'll find and you could be opening up your son and his father to a whole lot of heart ache and drama...
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luckymama13
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 11:12 AM


Quoting juicebox.:

Does your son have a relationship with his father's parents?  And if so, then that is his family and those are his grandparents.  I am adopted, I have never been bothered that I was adopted or have had any interest in finding my birth parents.  I would actually be livid if someone chose to do that on my behalf.  I now have a son and the thought of searching for my birth parents to let them know they have a biological grandchild has never even crossed my mind.  Adoption is a choice, my birth parents were not ready to be parents.  My adoptive parents were, and they are my family, they raised me and provided for me.  My birth parents now have lives of their own that do not involve me, as do I have my own life that does not involve them.  I see it more as why disrupt the lives of so many and for what?  I would say the adoption is closed for a reason, and I don't think it would be your place to seek them out, sorry.

He somewhat does, they live out of state.

juicebox.
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 11:16 AM
What would your reasons be in finding her? Because I'm curious.
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AnyahRaheel
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 11:24 AM
I Agree


Quoting Elyssa414:

I think that it's not really up to you to find your ex's birthmom, unless you talk to him about it first and he wants you to.



I understand your intentions for your child, but its a deeply personal thing. Plus, you don't know what you'll find and you could be opening up your son and his father to a whole lot of heart ache and drama...

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
mylilgooberpea
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 11:37 AM
Im adopted and mine was a closed one. It is the bio mothers choice to have it open or closed. And closed imo meabs just that closed. A personal decision to not know or have a relationship with the child. Ever stop and think about the other side? Maybe your ex was a product of a rape, abuseive relationship, or coulsnt take care and had to make a heartbreaking decision? Maybe the mom dosnt want that reminder? Ask the ex if its ok to look first. Then go to where he was born and a legal document with his ok let them know its ok for the bio mom to contact you, maybe the adoption agency too.. Then take the legal doc and go to tge catholic church. Some closed adoptions were "going to visit the aunts for 7 months" situation with them. Telling the catholic church ts ok for the bio mom to contact you is part of it. But if the bio mom IS looking she would have to say ok too or they wont do anything. But in all reality you are only the mother of your exs child and have no legal rights. No hospital will give you any info unless your ex is present with you. You kinda have no legal say if the ex's bio mom gets to know about the grand child. Thats between the ex and the bio mom. So you need to get the ex on your side if he says no..... Thats the end of that. Untill your child is old enough to look for themselves.
GirlWithANikon
by Bronze Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 12:26 PM
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This is not your place. i think you need to back off momma.

CoeyG
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 5:37 PM

My advice is to butt out.  If he wants to find his birth parents that is up to him, not you.   The only thing that should involve you in his life is the child you have together.  Your ex's private life is just that, none of your business.  

busymom64064
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 5:40 PM

I do not that it is in your place or any of your business to find his birth mother. Alot of times, closed adoption is HARD to get any information on. Most likely that the parents didn't want to know anything about what happens after they gave him. It is ultimately up to your EX to get information and find his birth mother.

CoeyG
by on Oct. 20, 2012 at 7:25 PM
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Since it was a closed adoption that means that the information regarding it is only the business of those involved in the adoption at the time.  Since you were not a part of the adoption You are not entitled to any information regarding it.  You will have to simply consider your ex's adoptive parents as your son's grandparents on his father's side period.

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