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Reading about my own life

Posted by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 12:00 AM
  • 12 Replies

Hey Ladies,

I was on here for a while and then fell off. By way or intro: I have two kids. One from my first marriage who is a 12 year old boy and a four year old daughter from my current marriage. I am in the process of getting my doctoral degree in education. I am in my second year as a sahm.

I have a need today to seek out some anonymous help. My son's step mother has been blogging for the last 10 years about her life and I discovered it on Saturday night. I truly fell into it by accident. But I read it for hours, knowing I was invading her space and creating chaos in my life. I play a role in this story as the X. It's worth noting here that from the beginning of my first marriage I believed that my husband was very enamoured with her. I always felt she was a factor in my marriage. It messed with my  20 something mind while it was happening.  Reading this is confirmation of what I suspected and is messing with my 40 something mind. As I read her stories of spending time with my son, while I know I was home in tears, or stories of our interactions where I felt I was being gracious, but instead she was feeling I was insincere has rocked all that I have worked so hard to avoid.

I made a decision years ago to truly blend this family. To be kind and gracious. To be open and accepting. It has been very hard at times. There have been plenty of moments of frustration where I felt I had to stiffle what I wanted to do or say because I had built a house of cards for our family structure and I didn't want to rock the boat.In fairness, if I had blogged all these years mine would probably be more offensive.

I don't hide the ball well or have much of a poker face so I told them that I read the blog. I apologized for breaching her space, but explained I was upset. In truth I cried all night and yesterday wasn't much better. The most upsetting part is to be put in a position yet again where I feel like I see the world one way, but that it's being perceived so differently. I thought we were family. I thought we had really done this step parenting and co parenting deal right. This is now called into question. I am a caricature of somehting. I fill a roll. I am the villian. Something to be dealt with.

She apologized and explained that she has lots of positive stories, but they weren't on this blog. This blog is really a way for her to process things that were difficult. She has a following of about 200 people and a core group of about 20 that were commenting. Several comments are regarding how gracious she is with me and how kind it is of her to hold back about me.

In terms of how we move forward? I don't know. We used to sit together at sporting events, get together on birthdays, and travel out of town for hockey tournaments together. How do I do that now? When so much of what I've done has been misconstrued. I feel my walls going up, they are thick and high.

Yesterday we were both apologizing and crying.Today we're both angry. We yelled at each other today for the first time in this long journey. She feels victimized. I don't know how that's possible. IT IS A PUBLIC SPACE!

My main goal has always been to do what's best for my son. I just want to keep my eye on the ball, but she wrote about me and my children. Not just the one we share, but my daughter as well. She wrote about my husband. I feel invaded, angry and confused. I mostly just wish I hadn't opened Pandora's box. Thoughts?



MommainMN

by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 12:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CoeyG
by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 12:34 AM

You have the right to ask her to stop writing about you personally as well as the famly you now have.  She has the right to blog about her stepson as he relatesi to hermarriage to his father. Public place or not, she doesn't have the right to invade your life and if she doesn't stop tell her she will next be speaking with your lawyer.  

JasonsMom2007
by Platinum Member on Nov. 13, 2012 at 11:58 AM

When she put it online she made it public for anyone, including you, to read.  You did nothing wrong in reading what was put out there about you for public knowledge.

MommainMN
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 8:32 AM

Thanks you guys. I do feel guilty. I know it's a public space, but as soon as I started reading it it was clear it was a journal type thing and that I should stop. I wish I would have. It's opened such an ugly can of worms. She has since pulled it down. I didn't want my son to see how hard I was paddling under water to make us all look like calm ducks. The blog would give us away and show him how rocky it's been behind the scenes.

robyann
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:14 AM
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 Try to look at this from her prespective. This journey wasn't easy for any of you. This blog was her way of dealing and adjusting to the new family roles. Maybe she should have kept this in a private journal, but she didnt'. Try to understand that she worked her feelings out in her blog so that when really with you she could behave the way she wanted to and not by just her emotions. I'm sure you had issues through all this too, and even now after all these years, you may not remember exactly how you felt through each stage, since you didn't put your's in writing.

I know this i a shock to you, but you have built a good relationship and a good co-parenting relationship. It took alot from all of you to get to this point. It got done because all of you love your ds and wanted what was best for him. Just take this blog as proof that she did have different times where things were difficult for her, but she didn't blow up on you, instead she got her emotions out and under control, making a decision how to handle things.

I hope you can put this behind you and continue on with what you have built together for your ds. GL

typingMom to 6~MawMaw to 9 & counting!

MommainMN
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:28 AM

You're so right Robyann. Like I said, if I had written it all down there'd be some brutal stuff. The hardest part is the stuff from their early relationship when I was still married and the most recent stuff where I thought we were long past not saying how we really felt. It just makes me feel like I could stick my foot in my mouth at any moment or do the wrong thing. It makes me want to avoid things. Maybe the way we've meshed our family is too emeshed. Maybe we all need to go back to our corners a bit and regroup. I truly don't know if I could see her right now.

The most recent event is that someone left a nasty comment on the blog on Sunday. She's never received a comment like that. All signs point to me or someone I know, but I don't know anyone who did it. Is it possible it's just an awful universal coinsidence? I don't know. But she left me a voicemail that was very ugly. Once again I am the villian. My family was broken up and instead of grabbing my son and moving back to my home state, I stayed here and invited them into my home for birthdays and holidays. I feel like maybe I gave away too much of myself. Like I went too far in trying to make it all ok and maybe that's what's really got me upset right now- not what she wrote, but that I put myself through so much stres and effort and maybe I shouldn't have. Shoulda coulda woulda... that'll kill ya right! ;)

tihone77
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:36 AM
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It sounds like you did succeed in creating a positive family life for your ds.  And in regards the below statement...would it be so bad if he saw how hard you were paddling?  Wouldn't it just show him how much he is loved to see how hard you all have been working?

Quoting MommainMN:

Thanks you guys. I do feel guilty. I know it's a public space, but as soon as I started reading it it was clear it was a journal type thing and that I should stop. I wish I would have. It's opened such an ugly can of worms. She has since pulled it down. I didn't want my son to see how hard I was paddling under water to make us all look like calm ducks. The blog would give us away and show him how rocky it's been behind the scenes.


MommainMN
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:48 AM

That's a really good point... maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I guess it's just always been my goal to shelter him from all of this and let him just be a kid. It's hard enough to live the way he does- 50% in each house. There's enough to balance. I have never wanted to add loyalty issues to the plate.

ninagoesnuts
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:58 AM
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I can see how difficult this situation is for you and others involved. I think that you were right in bringing up that you'd read the blog, rather than holding in the pain and resentment. The thing now is to realize that you can't control what other people think of you and you can't live your life with the goal of ensuring that they see you as a good person. I'm not saying you should embrace the role of villain, but rather accept that they will see things differently and then carry on making the best decisions for your family as you always have.

puertoricangeek
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 10:19 AM

I was in a situation very similar to this with my parents. The best thing that they did was my mom and step-mom spent an entire weekend together and talked through everything. They had fights and crying sesions. They are best of friends to this day and I have been out of the picture for right at 6 years.

MommainMN
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 3:48 PM

Not sure I can do that. At least not at this point. It seems to be getting worse and worse. There's a new blog that paints her as the victim because I took away her private space. Which is weird bc the internet's inherently not private. I wish I didn't care what was being said. I guess that's the biggest lesson. I need to be okay with the fact that I can not control other people's perspectives of me.

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