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Reading about my own life

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Hey Ladies,

I was on here for a while and then fell off. By way or intro: I have two kids. One from my first marriage who is a 12 year old boy and a four year old daughter from my current marriage. I am in the process of getting my doctoral degree in education. I am in my second year as a sahm.

I have a need today to seek out some anonymous help. My son's step mother has been blogging for the last 10 years about her life and I discovered it on Saturday night. I truly fell into it by accident. But I read it for hours, knowing I was invading her space and creating chaos in my life. I play a role in this story as the X. It's worth noting here that from the beginning of my first marriage I believed that my husband was very enamoured with her. I always felt she was a factor in my marriage. It messed with my  20 something mind while it was happening.  Reading this is confirmation of what I suspected and is messing with my 40 something mind. As I read her stories of spending time with my son, while I know I was home in tears, or stories of our interactions where I felt I was being gracious, but instead she was feeling I was insincere has rocked all that I have worked so hard to avoid.

I made a decision years ago to truly blend this family. To be kind and gracious. To be open and accepting. It has been very hard at times. There have been plenty of moments of frustration where I felt I had to stiffle what I wanted to do or say because I had built a house of cards for our family structure and I didn't want to rock the boat.In fairness, if I had blogged all these years mine would probably be more offensive.

I don't hide the ball well or have much of a poker face so I told them that I read the blog. I apologized for breaching her space, but explained I was upset. In truth I cried all night and yesterday wasn't much better. The most upsetting part is to be put in a position yet again where I feel like I see the world one way, but that it's being perceived so differently. I thought we were family. I thought we had really done this step parenting and co parenting deal right. This is now called into question. I am a caricature of somehting. I fill a roll. I am the villian. Something to be dealt with.

She apologized and explained that she has lots of positive stories, but they weren't on this blog. This blog is really a way for her to process things that were difficult. She has a following of about 200 people and a core group of about 20 that were commenting. Several comments are regarding how gracious she is with me and how kind it is of her to hold back about me.

In terms of how we move forward? I don't know. We used to sit together at sporting events, get together on birthdays, and travel out of town for hockey tournaments together. How do I do that now? When so much of what I've done has been misconstrued. I feel my walls going up, they are thick and high.

Yesterday we were both apologizing and crying.Today we're both angry. We yelled at each other today for the first time in this long journey. She feels victimized. I don't know how that's possible. IT IS A PUBLIC SPACE!

My main goal has always been to do what's best for my son. I just want to keep my eye on the ball, but she wrote about me and my children. Not just the one we share, but my daughter as well. She wrote about my husband. I feel invaded, angry and confused. I mostly just wish I hadn't opened Pandora's box. Thoughts?



MommainMN

by on Nov. 13, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Replies (11-12):
Nikkijr
by Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 4:06 PM
1 mom liked this
I look at this as proof that you were always repressing these issues and now that you have stumbled upon this blog it has unleashed all that you have worked so hard to ignore. You have every right to have feelings. You have every right to be human. Do you agree? What about this woman? Does she have every right to have feelings? Does she have every right to be human? Even though your info is out there she never used your name and all those people have no ideal who you are.

I would suggest for you to sort out your repressed issues, and truly look at the situation from her point of view. Not by the hateful things she says. Because in all honesty it seems to me that she feels threatened by you. Not from harm, but as a woman. After all you will always be tied to your ex through your children and in every woman's mind there is always that question if he would ever go back to you. You must be an awesome mother for her to worry.

From the sounds of it you are a GREAT person, and you have handled this situation with TONS of grace and patience. Holding onto what you have read and changing that really doesn't seem like its your style from what you have told me. No one expects you to jump in there all honkey dorey. Trust me. And I would allow myself time to get it all out privately and safely so that I could move on. I am sure that in time you will realize that we are all humans with many flaws and just because someone percieves us less favorably than we would like, it doesn't make it true. Hang in there girl and know that I say this all in love.
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Nikkijr
by Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 4:12 PM
I just wanna say that your awesome! If only more women were so sincere and mature to truly look at the situation that you did and deeply still do. I am on my phone but if I could I would give you one of those cute little CM thumbs up characters. I guess this will have to do... *thumbs up to you momma!*
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