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"New Family"...

Posted by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:49 AM
  • 11 Replies

Hello ladies,

I need some help and adive on what to do with my situation. About 3 months ago my daughters father and i decided to end our relationship because we were no longer happy. Everything still has been good between us. We still take our daughter out as a family and always spend time together. Two weeks ago he started dating someone else (it doesnt bother me to bad), well this person happens to have 4 kids of her own. The past few days that i have asked if he wants our daughter he has told me no that he has plans with his gf and her kids. To me that p*sses me off because hes blowing his daughter off for this new "family". He has told me the past few days that he does not blow his daughter off for her and her kids. When its even clear to his own family what he is doing. I just dont know how to handle to situation or what to do. I have tried talking to him and telling him from my point of view what it looks like but he still doesnt understand. I dont want my daughter getting hurt. Its not her fault that her father and i are no longer together so he shouldnt be doing this...what should i do????!!!

by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bcauseimthemom
by Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 12:48 PM
2 moms liked this

This type of situation really sucks.  There really isn't anything you can do.  You may want to have a formal custody order put in place.  It will make his visitation time clear and it will put a child support order in place.  Since the two of you split up, what  he does with his time is his business.  It is not cool that he is doing this to your daughter but you can't make him visit her.  Do what you have to in order to get on with your life and to make sure your child is taken care of.  Good luck.

victoriahearts
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:55 PM

I have to agree with her , it's great that you been able to get along so far, my ex husband and I had a civil divorce but it didn't stop us both from putting a formal custody arrangement together as well as arguing on the amount of child support.  It's disappointment when father's don't make time for their children even though we had an visitation right figured out, my ex very often missed them and would never reschedule, after 2 years of this, our situation recently changed and he has become more active in our son life but you may want to get use to this type of behavior because in my experience men always have a way of making other things their priority over their children. This is really the best advice I can give you, also try not telling your child when her father is suppose to come over until he confrims he is on his way, this way she will hurt less when he just doesn't show up.

Quoting bcauseimthemom:

This type of situation really sucks.  There really isn't anything you can do.  You may want to have a formal custody order put in place.  It will make his visitation time clear and it will put a child support order in place.  Since the two of you split up, what  he does with his time is his business.  It is not cool that he is doing this to your daughter but you can't make him visit her.  Do what you have to in order to get on with your life and to make sure your child is taken care of.  Good luck.


DaniandTom
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 2:05 PM

Unfortunately, you can't make him see what he is giving up. He will see that in time and possibly not before she's all grown up and the resentments are cemented in her mind. I've dealt with this and now that my kids are grown, they have little respect for their father due to his lack of parenting. (plus emotional abuse) You've done your part. You told him what he's doing. If he can't understand it, then it's his problem and the most you can do is to let your DD know that he does still love her and never talk bad about him or how he's making his gf's kids his "new family" as you put it. Don't say things like that around her or even if there is any danger she might hear you. It damages kids more than the neglect of a father does. She needs to know she can talk to you and get comfort and support not a "let's dis your dad" fest. Tell her you "don't know why he didn't show up but you're sure he had a good reason". You "don't know why you weren't invited to go on vacation with them but it isn't because he doesn't love you...he does. He must have had a reason and if you want to, you can ask him." Put it back on him to explain--not you. Make him take responsibility for his own actions. Let her determine what his punishment--if any--should be. You're just there to hold her when she cries and to tell her how much you love her. The rest will work itself out or not...but that's between the two of them.

BaBa1123
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 4:00 PM
1 mom liked this

Sorry to hear about your situaltion even married parents have problems like this one.  I agree have a formal custody order put into force.   My friend was married for 10 years and when they seperated he found another with children and he acts more like their father than he does his own.  What is wrong with these men?  Do they not realize how they are hurting this own child?  Good luck.   

ninagoesnuts
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 4:20 PM
1 mom liked this

You can't control his behavior. Either he will take a role in his daughter's life or he won't. I made the same mistake of making myself miserable over the fact that my oldest daughter's father gradually saw her less and less. I kept pleading with him and arguing with him and he always talked about how much he loved her, but eventually I realized that it wasn't my job to ensure his relationship with his daughter. That was his job. I know how terrible it can feel as a mother to see our children and their confusion over the absence of the other parent, but there is no sense in agonizing over behavior that you cannot control. Your ex will have to live with the choices he makes, but only he can make them.

sadmomof3girls
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 8:33 PM

From my experience there is nothing you can do but be there for your daughter. Obviously you can't force him to be a good person, or you would still be with him. Just take the high road andlet your daughter know that you will always be there for her. Good Luck and stay strong!

AM-BRAT
by Amber on Nov. 16, 2012 at 8:54 PM



Quoting sadmomof3girls:

From my experience there is nothing you can do but be there for your daughter. Obviously you can't force him to be a good person, or you would still be with him. Just take the high road andlet your daughter know that you will always be there for her. Good Luck and stay strong!


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CoeyG
by on Nov. 16, 2012 at 11:39 PM
1 mom liked this

There is nothing you can do.  Obviously you weren't married so there is no divorce to go through.  All you are entitled to is to go to court for an order of custdy and visitation and an order of chld support.   You don't get to dictate who he sees or whether he takes his daughter all the time.  You are no longer a couple and he doesn't have to take his daughter all the time...she is your daughter too.  

littlepinkrose
by Member on Nov. 17, 2012 at 1:37 AM

Sorry you have to deal with this.  Just try and see when he has time try to get formal custody so that it can be set up by both of you.  Do not tell daughter when Dad may be coming at this time because he is not reliable.  If she asks just tell her you are not sure but that maybe later you will call him and she can talk to him on the phone and ask him then herself.  And yes make that call!!  Hope things get batter for you all and just be there for your girl she needs it.

momof6nokc
by on Nov. 17, 2012 at 10:07 AM

There is no visitation order in place and you feel that, because you ask him to do something with your DD and he says "no", that he is blowing off his DD for his "new family"?

How ridiculous.

People have lives, they make plans, they move on.  Sounds like your ex is moving on.  That means he is no longer at your beck and call and is not obligated to hang out just b/c you want to. 

Get a formal custody order in place.  If he starts blowing off the visitation given to him by the COURTS then you have a foot to stand on with this "new family" nonsense.  Until then he's a human being who is moving on with life. That has NOTHING to do with his daughter.


"May we always be happy and may our enemies always know it." ~ Irish Toast

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