I am a mom to 3 daughters, 15, 14 and 11. Their father and I have been divorced for 2 years. We share 50/50 custody and only live 20 miles from each other. I remarried last year, while their father has had 5 girlfriends, 4 of which have lived with him. Last week my girls went to school, everything seemed perfectly normal, after school I got a text from the oldest saying she was staying with her dad...the middle one also said she was staying with their dad. I never saw any of this coming so I didn't realize they meant "live" with him. He proceeded to tell me that they hate my house (I live in the country), they are bored....they can't find anything (??)....I blow up at them all the time (COMPLETELY untrue, in fact the oldest and I had just gone on a shopping trip the day before and seemd to have a good time). I asked if we could meet and discuss this like the adults they thoiught they were...including their step-dad and their dad's current live in girlfriend. We met at a restaurant, they all came in and except for the youngest who wants to live with me, all had really defensive attitudes. I spoke quietly, expressed that this was not what I wanted but I was willing to compromise, maybe give them some more time with their dad. They just sat there looking at him, they wouldn't even look at me. Finally the middle one blurted out that she wanted nothing to do with me, that she couldn't stand being around me. Needless to say I was crushed! Their dad and his GF sat there looking and smirking at each other, at one point she actually had her hand over her mouth laughing. Now a little history....during these several GF's the girls always loved them at first but there always came a point where they were calling me wanting to live with me, and I would tell them that this is something you need to talk to your dad about and work it out... I feel that he has been brainwashing them against me. I know he has trash talked me for the last 2 years. I married a co-worker of mine and he has told the girls that is the reason I left, which I never had the heart to tell them I actually left becasue their dad had been having a 2 year long affair with my best friend. I'm just lost at this point. It's been 2 weeks, the youngest told her dad she wanted to stay with me 3 weeks out of the month which he tried to fight but finaly gave in. I text the other 2 at least twice a week and tell them I love them and miss them, the oldest responds. I also go to their games...I'm trying not to push them. The middle one has told me she wished I would get into an accident and die. I just can't remember being so hateful to my own mother. They've been lieing to their dad, saying my husband and I are fighting all the time and there is too much drama...we never fight and when they are at my house they all get along with him. He is crushed as well, we feel we have been attacked. I know that their dad is pressuring them...does anyone have any advice or has anyone ever been thru anything like this?? Thanks in advance!
I wish I had some advice for you, but I think you're doing everything I'd do. I'm sorry they've hurt you like this and I hope they'll come back around when they realize that life isn't so "cozy" on the other side.
My advice is to just let it go. Let them go stay with their father. At some point they will get tired of his world as well and then want to come back to mom simply because it is obvious he doesn't have a very stable home life. The girls are looking at this as an adventure. He has no doubt promised them something they think they want. So let them go;..If they have half a brain they will figure things out.
Thanks ladies. I so appreciate your thoughts. I was also thinking of getting them into counseling. My husband thinks we should wait a while and let things settle, I guess I agree. I just don't want them to think...or be told...that I don't care or that I am happy with them not around. Thank you again!!
Sometimes you just have to let go and let them come to their own realizations.
Good luck.
Teen years are hard so i am sure everyone including the girls are playing mind games with you. They may want to see how you will bribe them to stay using your house as their home base. Counseling would definitely be good to sort things out with a 3rd party. They may need to know the truth about their dad since they are old enough to understand right from wrong and that is definitely the wrong way to treat another person.
Quoting Malley:
Does the move mean he doesn't have to pay CS? I'm just wondering if that was his motivation behind all this. Also his gf may be egging it on too.
Neither one of us pay child support, We have 50/50 custody, one week with him and one week with me. I think some of his motivation comes from having to make a 50 mile trip twice a day to take them to and from school. But in our order it stated we both have to agree for them to transfer schools and that is something I will not do. They have gone to this school their entire life, it's a small town with very little drugs/crime. Plus I think he feels like he won. He never thought I would leave and never thought I would remarry. This is his 4th live in...the girls fall for the "new Mom" at first and when it goes bad they want to live with me, which I have always told them they need to work it out...you can't run from your problems. He lets them have much more freedom than I do. But I have no doubt he will try to pull me back into court for CS after he starts driving them everywhere...including Dr's appts...which for some reason I have always been in charge of making and keeping. Last year I went thru this with my middle daughter, she wanted to live with him...he came andpicked her up and I forced her to come back. #1 I don't want to keep forcing them and #2 they will just run away. My husband thinks we should let them get a taste of it...that when it goes bad they'll be back and we'll go from there. It's just so hard because I know what a jerk their dad can be. He has 4 cars, 3 of which are paid for, 1 of which is a corvette...and I had to threaten to take him to court to put braces on my oldest one. It's just on going. My youngest decided to spend 3 weeks out of the month with me, so how bad can my house be??? I'm just exhausted. I really appreciate everyone's help. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not freak out.
Too young for "the talk"????
When was your due date and when did you give birth?
- sadmomof3girls
on Nov. 16, 2012 at 8:30 PM