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MIL?

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:51 PM
  • 30 Replies

Do any of your MIL's favor one of your children over the other? Do they let the least favorite know? If not, how do they keep them from knowing?

My MIL has helped DH and I more than I can even type out right now. She has been there for us financially and emotionally and I love her. With that said, I don't know what I am going to do. MIL has NEVER, not even once, asked to keep DS3. She wants SD7 all of the time, but she only wants to take her and not DS. I don't understand!

DH was 17 when he had SD. So MIL had a big role in SD's life and I know that is why they are so bonded. I think that is great! What I don't understand is why she refuses to make an effort to bond with DS. Why? She hasn't even spent enough time with him to know if she likes him or not. DH's family has had mostly girls, so maybe MIL just doesn't know how to deal with a little boy? I don't know. DS can be mean sometimes, but he is a 3 year old little boy and I have seen much worse! He just tests his boundaries.

What am I supposed to do? I would be lying if I pretended that I wasn't highly offended everytime she asks to get SD only. It pisses me off beyond belief! She can like whoever she wants, but I am sure as shit not going to let my DS know... and continuously sending SD alone to MIL's, is going to make it pretty freaking obvious! I have talked to DH about all of this and he completely agrees. He even talked to MIL about it once. She asked to see both kids once after their talk, and not again.

Do you normally send one kid to a family member and not the other? Please help! I really need some advice! Am I just being to sensitive about this? MIL did take both kids to the movies this week (for Thanksgiving), but I swear I am not exagerating when I say that she has NEVER, not once, asked to spend time with DS alone.

We only have SD every other weekend and on holiday's and we have DS every day. There is no excuse for MIL to not have a relationship with DS!

by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 1:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
robyann
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:05 PM

 I totally understand what your saying, I am the MIL. Sorta of. I do try to take turns with the grandkids, but it is harder to handle the younger ones. As for your MIL, and myself, the oldest child was born while the parent was young, so we had a bigger part in caring for that one. It seems like they are almost more of a child than a grandchild. We feel that the younger kids now are being well taking care of, not like when  the older one was when that age. It just made the bond different, not really like a bond with a grandchild.

With that being said----I do not think it is right to continue to only get the older one. I just began to realize this myself. My dil has said, nicely, that it isn't fair that out of 7 kids only one gets to go to MawMaw and PawPaw's almost every weekend. She is right. So now she keeps track of who's turn it is the next time I call and ask for one.

Now I know this is fair and the best for the kids. But I feel like I miss my oldest grandchild. Not because I love her more, but because she was with me so much in the past, so it feels like my own child is away for extended periods of time. But I have kept this hurt to myself for the good of all the grandkids.

typingMom to 6~MawMaw to 9 & counting!

Rae706
by Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:10 PM

Good for you! I think that is great! I am not trying to deminish the bond that MIL has with SD. I know they are close and that is great! She can feel however she wants about whoever she wants, but she is the adult in that situation and it just really irks me that even after we brought it to her attention, she refuses to see where we are coming from. I don't want to be disrespectful, or step on any toes, but this is my baby that we are talking about here! How can I not be offended?

I have been in SD's life since right before her 2nd birthday. SD is 7 now. If one of my family members only ever wanted to get DS and never SD, I would put my foot down with them too. These are children, being impartial, or appearing impartial should be a given.. shouldn't it?

Quoting robyann:

 I totally understand what your saying, I am the MIL. Sorta of. I do try to take turns with the grandkids, but it is harder to handle the younger ones. As for your MIL, and myself, the oldest child was born while the parent was young, so we had a bigger part in caring for that one. It seems like they are almost more of a child than a grandchild. We feel that the younger kids now are being well taking care of, not like when  the older one was when that age. It just made the bond different, not really like a bond with a grandchild.

With that being said----I do not think it is right to continue to only get the older one. I just began to realize this myself. My dil has said, nicely, that it isn't fair that out of 7 kids only one gets to go to MawMaw and PawPaw's almost every weekend. She is right. So now she keeps track of who's turn it is the next time I call and ask for one.

Now I know this is fair and the best for the kids. But I feel like I miss my oldest grandchild. Not because I love her more, but because she was with me so much in the past, so it feels like my own child is away for extended periods of time. But I have kept this hurt to myself for the good of all the grandkids.


OliviaW.
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:11 PM

My mil favors my oldest even though my kids are 15 months apart. My kids don't go over to her house by themselves cause it's a 2 hour drive and mil doesn't drive plus there are other issues too. It does drive me nuts that she doesn't want to spend any time with DS when we go to visit.

robyann
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:17 PM

 Yes you are right, a grandparent should never show favortism. Especially so the other kids can see it. They will wonder why their gma doesn't love them as much. Because it isn't that we love one over the other, it's just the confusing bond we formed, lol. My heart says is this my child or my grandchild. So I have to logically think that this is my grandchild, she needs to be involved and a part of all the other ones. I don't take more than 1 usually for over night, sometimes 2. But it has gotten harder to keep up with the littler ones, so it's easier for us to take one at a time. Also that gives that one child all the attention while they are here. The goal being that each child feels special to us and we get to really know each one seperatly, not as a group.

I hope your mil can see this and realize that she is only hurting all the kids, including the one she takes. They need to feel equally loved by gma. GL

Quoting Rae706:

Good for you! I think that is great! I am not trying to deminish the bond that MIL has with SD. I know they are close and that is great! She can feel however she wants about whoever she wants, but she is the adult in that situation and it just really irks me that even after we brought it to her attention, she refuses to see where we are coming from. I don't want to be disrespectful, or step on any toes, but this is my baby that we are talking about here! How can I not be offended?

I have been in SD's life since right before her 2nd birthday. SD is 7 now. If one of my family members only ever wanted to get DS and never SD, I would put my foot down with them too. These are children, being impartial, or appearing impartial should be a given.. shouldn't it?

Quoting robyann:

 I totally understand what your saying, I am the MIL. Sorta of. I do try to take turns with the grandkids, but it is harder to handle the younger ones. As for your MIL, and myself, the oldest child was born while the parent was young, so we had a bigger part in caring for that one. It seems like they are almost more of a child than a grandchild. We feel that the younger kids now are being well taking care of, not like when  the older one was when that age. It just made the bond different, not really like a bond with a grandchild.

With that being said----I do not think it is right to continue to only get the older one. I just began to realize this myself. My dil has said, nicely, that it isn't fair that out of 7 kids only one gets to go to MawMaw and PawPaw's almost every weekend. She is right. So now she keeps track of who's turn it is the next time I call and ask for one.

Now I know this is fair and the best for the kids. But I feel like I miss my oldest grandchild. Not because I love her more, but because she was with me so much in the past, so it feels like my own child is away for extended periods of time. But I have kept this hurt to myself for the good of all the grandkids.

 

 

Rae706
by Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:19 PM

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old are you? DS is only 3, almost 4. So I have wondered if maybe that was the reason that she didn't ever want to take him. That and I am positive that she doens't like to wake up early with him, which I understand... I just don't understand sacrificing a relationship with DS just for silly reasons like him taking more effort, or waking up earlier, you know?

Quoting robyann:

 Yes you are right, a grandparent should never show favortism. Especially so the other kids can see it. They will wonder why their gma doesn't love them as much. Because it isn't that we love one over the other, it's just the confusing bond we formed, lol. My heart says is this my child or my grandchild. So I have to logically think that this is my grandchild, she needs to be involved and a part of all the other ones. I don't take more than 1 usually for over night, sometimes 2. But it has gotten harder to keep up with the littler ones, so it's easier for us to take one at a time. Also that gives that one child all the attention while they are here. The goal being that each child feels special to us and we get to really know each one seperatly, not as a group.

I hope your mil can see this and realize that she is only hurting all the kids, including the one she takes. They need to feel equally loved by gma. GL

Quoting Rae706:

Good for you! I think that is great! I am not trying to deminish the bond that MIL has with SD. I know they are close and that is great! She can feel however she wants about whoever she wants, but she is the adult in that situation and it just really irks me that even after we brought it to her attention, she refuses to see where we are coming from. I don't want to be disrespectful, or step on any toes, but this is my baby that we are talking about here! How can I not be offended?

I have been in SD's life since right before her 2nd birthday. SD is 7 now. If one of my family members only ever wanted to get DS and never SD, I would put my foot down with them too. These are children, being impartial, or appearing impartial should be a given.. shouldn't it?

Quoting robyann:

 I totally understand what your saying, I am the MIL. Sorta of. I do try to take turns with the grandkids, but it is harder to handle the younger ones. As for your MIL, and myself, the oldest child was born while the parent was young, so we had a bigger part in caring for that one. It seems like they are almost more of a child than a grandchild. We feel that the younger kids now are being well taking care of, not like when  the older one was when that age. It just made the bond different, not really like a bond with a grandchild.

With that being said----I do not think it is right to continue to only get the older one. I just began to realize this myself. My dil has said, nicely, that it isn't fair that out of 7 kids only one gets to go to MawMaw and PawPaw's almost every weekend. She is right. So now she keeps track of who's turn it is the next time I call and ask for one.

Now I know this is fair and the best for the kids. But I feel like I miss my oldest grandchild. Not because I love her more, but because she was with me so much in the past, so it feels like my own child is away for extended periods of time. But I have kept this hurt to myself for the good of all the grandkids.


 


robyann
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:27 PM

 I am 48, but I have arthritis issues. I have decided that if I feel I can't keep them over night then when it's their turn I'll at least keep them from morning until bedtime. They need that special time too.

That could be the thing with your mil, maybe she just feels she can't keep up with the 3 year old. So maybe she'd be ok with just taking him for a few hours. My mom used to keep my kids overnight but wouldn't take them until they were 6. She would take all the grandkids the same night, and wanted them to be able to pretty much take care of themselves.

I do think some kind of plan needs to be worked out, whatever the mil can handle, but it needs to be fair to all the kids. Even if she says the 3 year old can't spend the night until he's a certain age. But she should rotate the kids, so it doesn't seem that one is going more than the other.

When I take the little ones, I make sure my dd who is 17 will be here to help me. lol.

Quoting Rae706:

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old are you? DS is only 3, almost 4. So I have wondered if maybe that was the reason that she didn't ever want to take him. That and I am positive that she doens't like to wake up early with him, which I understand... I just don't understand sacrificing a relationship with DS just for silly reasons like him taking more effort, or waking up earlier, you know?

Quoting robyann:

 Yes you are right, a grandparent should never show favortism. Especially so the other kids can see it. They will wonder why their gma doesn't love them as much. Because it isn't that we love one over the other, it's just the confusing bond we formed, lol. My heart says is this my child or my grandchild. So I have to logically think that this is my grandchild, she needs to be involved and a part of all the other ones. I don't take more than 1 usually for over night, sometimes 2. But it has gotten harder to keep up with the littler ones, so it's easier for us to take one at a time. Also that gives that one child all the attention while they are here. The goal being that each child feels special to us and we get to really know each one seperatly, not as a group.

I hope your mil can see this and realize that she is only hurting all the kids, including the one she takes. They need to feel equally loved by gma. GL

Quoting Rae706:

Good for you! I think that is great! I am not trying to deminish the bond that MIL has with SD. I know they are close and that is great! She can feel however she wants about whoever she wants, but she is the adult in that situation and it just really irks me that even after we brought it to her attention, she refuses to see where we are coming from. I don't want to be disrespectful, or step on any toes, but this is my baby that we are talking about here! How can I not be offended?

I have been in SD's life since right before her 2nd birthday. SD is 7 now. If one of my family members only ever wanted to get DS and never SD, I would put my foot down with them too. These are children, being impartial, or appearing impartial should be a given.. shouldn't it?

Quoting robyann:

 I totally understand what your saying, I am the MIL. Sorta of. I do try to take turns with the grandkids, but it is harder to handle the younger ones. As for your MIL, and myself, the oldest child was born while the parent was young, so we had a bigger part in caring for that one. It seems like they are almost more of a child than a grandchild. We feel that the younger kids now are being well taking care of, not like when  the older one was when that age. It just made the bond different, not really like a bond with a grandchild.

With that being said----I do not think it is right to continue to only get the older one. I just began to realize this myself. My dil has said, nicely, that it isn't fair that out of 7 kids only one gets to go to MawMaw and PawPaw's almost every weekend. She is right. So now she keeps track of who's turn it is the next time I call and ask for one.

Now I know this is fair and the best for the kids. But I feel like I miss my oldest grandchild. Not because I love her more, but because she was with me so much in the past, so it feels like my own child is away for extended periods of time. But I have kept this hurt to myself for the good of all the grandkids.

 

 

 

 

typingMom to 6~MawMaw to 9 & counting!

strictmomhere
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:29 PM
My mother may she RIP played favorits with my sisters kids she only wanted the oldest my sister put her foot down and said take both or none:)
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Rae706
by Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:32 PM

When MIL gets SD she doesn't keep her over night, so it can't be the over night issue. She doesn't even ask to take him during the day... like ever.

In her defense, she has A LOT going on right now. I get that. But it was no different before she got so busy, and she has found time to ask to see SD, so why not DS?

Maybe DH and I should just sit down and talk with her. She just tends to get a bit defensive and I have a pretty hot temper when it comes to my kids.

Quoting robyann:

 I am 48, but I have arthritis issues. I have decided that if I feel I can't keep them over night then when it's their turn I'll at least keep them from morning until bedtime. They need that special time too.

That could be the thing with your mil, maybe she just feels she can't keep up with the 3 year old. So maybe she'd be ok with just taking him for a few hours. My mom used to keep my kids overnight but wouldn't take them until they were 6. She would take all the grandkids the same night, and wanted them to be able to pretty much take care of themselves.

I do think some kind of plan needs to be worked out, whatever the mil can handle, but it needs to be fair to all the kids. Even if she says the 3 year old can't spend the night until he's a certain age. But she should rotate the kids, so it doesn't seem that one is going more than the other.

When I take the little ones, I make sure my dd who is 17 will be here to help me. lol.

Quoting Rae706:

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old are you? DS is only 3, almost 4. So I have wondered if maybe that was the reason that she didn't ever want to take him. That and I am positive that she doens't like to wake up early with him, which I understand... I just don't understand sacrificing a relationship with DS just for silly reasons like him taking more effort, or waking up earlier, you know?

Quoting robyann:

 Yes you are right, a grandparent should never show favortism. Especially so the other kids can see it. They will wonder why their gma doesn't love them as much. Because it isn't that we love one over the other, it's just the confusing bond we formed, lol. My heart says is this my child or my grandchild. So I have to logically think that this is my grandchild, she needs to be involved and a part of all the other ones. I don't take more than 1 usually for over night, sometimes 2. But it has gotten harder to keep up with the littler ones, so it's easier for us to take one at a time. Also that gives that one child all the attention while they are here. The goal being that each child feels special to us and we get to really know each one seperatly, not as a group.

I hope your mil can see this and realize that she is only hurting all the kids, including the one she takes. They need to feel equally loved by gma. GL

Quoting Rae706:

Good for you! I think that is great! I am not trying to deminish the bond that MIL has with SD. I know they are close and that is great! She can feel however she wants about whoever she wants, but she is the adult in that situation and it just really irks me that even after we brought it to her attention, she refuses to see where we are coming from. I don't want to be disrespectful, or step on any toes, but this is my baby that we are talking about here! How can I not be offended?

I have been in SD's life since right before her 2nd birthday. SD is 7 now. If one of my family members only ever wanted to get DS and never SD, I would put my foot down with them too. These are children, being impartial, or appearing impartial should be a given.. shouldn't it?

Quoting robyann:

 I totally understand what your saying, I am the MIL. Sorta of. I do try to take turns with the grandkids, but it is harder to handle the younger ones. As for your MIL, and myself, the oldest child was born while the parent was young, so we had a bigger part in caring for that one. It seems like they are almost more of a child than a grandchild. We feel that the younger kids now are being well taking care of, not like when  the older one was when that age. It just made the bond different, not really like a bond with a grandchild.

With that being said----I do not think it is right to continue to only get the older one. I just began to realize this myself. My dil has said, nicely, that it isn't fair that out of 7 kids only one gets to go to MawMaw and PawPaw's almost every weekend. She is right. So now she keeps track of who's turn it is the next time I call and ask for one.

Now I know this is fair and the best for the kids. But I feel like I miss my oldest grandchild. Not because I love her more, but because she was with me so much in the past, so it feels like my own child is away for extended periods of time. But I have kept this hurt to myself for the good of all the grandkids.


 


 


MommyT642
by Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:35 PM

i understand you. my husband is the middle of three brothers and only the older two have kids and his mother won't keep but one kid at a time and it is usually the oldest granddaughter. I think it is bc she had all boys and she never got to have girl to do all the girly stuff with. Out of 5 grand kids only 2 are girls and the younger girl lives with her mom so she doesn't get to spend anytime alone with her anyways, but she wont have much if anything to do with any of the grandsons. And what drives me absoultely crazy is she tells everyone how involved she is with all of her grandkids. Which is a huge lie bc even the granddaughter that she does see and is semi involved with she doesn't see but 4 or 5 times a year! and me and my husband only live 5 miles from her and she only sees our kids when we take them to her to visit.

jabs54
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 2:52 PM

 Is the only issue she not babysitting him?  Does she give equal gifts at Christmas and birthdays?  I don't believe it is a grandparents obligation to babysit.  If you want to foster a relationship with your son and your mil, take him there for visits.

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