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Difficult Situation: To go or to stay?

Posted by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 2:00 PM
  • 8 Replies

I find myself in one of those double edged situations. Several people I know have suggested (or demanded depending on the person) that it would be in my and my kids best interests to find a place of our own away from my live in boyfriend. Granted, the idea had crossed my mind before these suggestions were made. While our relationship has its good times and is relatively stable, I have voiced some concerns about his anger and outbursts. Every time, he makes a conscious effort to improve his behavior and interactions with my children in particular. This tends to last for a while, but any improvement is erased when he gets angry and opens his mouth again. I've tried to make this work for a while now but I'm coming to terms with the probability that he won't change his ways. It's even been suggested that moving out would show him that while I WANT to be with him, that I in fact don't NEED to be with him. Maybe something like this would serve as a wake up call, but then again, would the behavior really change? I would appreciate any advice you all could give me, even if affirms what I think I already know. Thank you.

by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 2:00 PM
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Replies (1-8):
by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 2:26 PM
Google the cycle of abuse. It won't stop.
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by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 2:34 PM

There is a saying "A leopard never changes it's spots" You need to face the reality that your boyfriend is who he is and will forever be the person he is and will not change.  Yes he can behave for awhile but he will always revert to his anger over and over.  And the scary part of this is each time it will get worse and could lead to physical abuse.  What you need to do is ask yourself if it is worth it to someday have this man smacking your kids or yourself around.  If it were me, all it would take is one angry outburst and I'd be gone.  My children's well being would be first and foremost and I would never go back to him because they don't change.  

by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 2:35 PM

Based on what you said you should leave either way, some examples of situations when he had an outburst might help me give advice on whether or not you should even consider going back if he claims to have changed later. I agree with the cycle of abuse advice and it never stopping but it's hard to tell from your post if he's abusive or just high-strung with a type A personallity. I have heard women say her DH got angry and had and outburst and the actual event she was talking about was when he broke his $400 smart phone by accident and picked it up and threw it out the front door out of anger, so she was being very over dramatic about it, because even I would probably have done that out of anger, too.

Good luck!

by Bronze Member on Nov. 28, 2012 at 5:18 PM

It sounds like he's not going to change. It's tough but I think it would be best for you and your kids to move on.

Enjoy a Coffee Break Every Tuesday with Us!

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 12:26 PM

Thank you for all your imput. I hate feeling so torn over all of this. Either way, this is a challenging situation. I think he knows what's going to happen and is taking steps to try to change my mind. I know for a fact that he bought me a "special Christmas present" in the form of a piece of jewelry. I think we all know what this is likely to be. Damn, if this "present" had been given 2 yrs ago it would have been a wonderful surprise. Now it just seems like a desperate attempt to hang on to the relationship. How am I supposed to handle the proposal I've always wanted and dreamed of?? The kids actually WANT us to get married, at least that's what they say. But how much of this are they really understanding? All I know is that they crave a father figure, considering their own is spotty in involvement with them. Are they just attached to my bf because he's been in the picture for quite some time or because they really care about him? I know, I'm ranting. If you want to reply to this one as well, I leave it up to you. Thanks.

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 12:30 PM

 It sounds like you and your children would be better off on your own.  These type of situations is why I firmly believe a single mother shouldn't live with, or bring, men around until they are absolutely sure that man is going to be in a very long term committed relationship with them all, and that the mother is absolutely sure that's what she wants.

by Ruby Member on Dec. 7, 2012 at 12:36 PM
OMG, leave. No one needs abuse. Be on. Your own, find a good man down the road. His jewelry doesn't mean crap.
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by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

 You can not hang around hoping he'll change. You have to accept him the way he is. His anger outbursts are abusive. He will continue to do this, and over time it will get worse. Like another mom said, google "cycle of abuse"'ll see your relationship in that cycle. This is not good for you or your children. Your children will begin to think that is normal behavior and will grow up to either be like that themselves, or seek out mates that are like that. You have to stand up for yourself AND your children. Leave this guy and let him know you will not tolerate his abuse.

It's not easy to leave, and sometimes it's even harder to stay gone. But if you keep reminding yourself of that "cycle of abuse", you'll understand what's going on. He will promise to change, say he loves you, say he's so sorry...etc...Remember he may think he means what he's saying  BUT he doesn't, don't fall for his lies!

I do hope you can get away from this guy. I also hope you can stay away and make a better life for yourself and your kids.

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