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how do i handle this??

Posted by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 1:39 AM
  • 11 Replies
I have a 5yr old dd and we were talking the other day about how her baby sister was going to get out of my stomach and I was explaining that she will come out of my vagina if everything goes well and if there's a problem the doctor will make a small cut in my tumm to get her out. So she says eww she's going to come out of your butt!?!? I told her not my butt but the front part which is called a vagina and all girls have them etc etc well she starts to blush and says I know what boys pee out of. My heart dropped and I tried to stay as calm as possible so that she wouldn't freak out and stop talking and I said oh really and how do you know that? And she tells me that her 7(almost8) yr old cousin made her watch him pee. Now we don't usually let dd play with him unsupervised because he just seems to be too huggy and kissy with dd plus he was molested when he was younger and I just never felt right with dd being alone with him. I don't know how to bring this up to my brother and sil. I feel they should know because what if he's making other girls watch him pee and what if it escalates?? Idk what to do. My sil is always wanting dd to come stay with them but I don't ever let her and I'm running out of excuses. How do I start this convo with my brother and sil???
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by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 1:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mistync
by Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 1:41 AM
Sorry for all the typos. I'm mobile
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anotherandree
by Inga on Nov. 30, 2012 at 1:48 AM
I would just be honest in that you were talking with your daughter and then tell them what she said. Tell them that you thought they should know (I would want to know!) so they can have a talk with him. I would also let them know (in a sperate conversation) that you don't feel comfortable leaving your daughter there in light of the recent developments.

That being said, I remember being curious at that age about how boys and girls are different. I would find out more about the "made me" comment because she could have been curious and then embarrassed once it was done. Just a thought.
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mistync
by Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 1:57 AM
Thank you.
I too remember being currious at her age but knowing better at his kwim? Ill talk to her some more tomorrow and try to find out what she meant by he made her. I just know how my sil has a tendency to be a spaz so I'm dreading the convo with her plus they seem to be really harsh with discipline so if it was something on the innocent/currious side I don't want them spanking him over it hell even if it wasn't on the innocent side I don't think spanking him would be the answer. : / anyways ill talk more with dd tomorrw then call sil and talk with her. Thanks again


Quoting anotherandree:

I would just be honest in that you were talking with your daughter and then tell them what she said. Tell them that you thought they should know (I would want to know!) so they can have a talk with him. I would also let them know (in a sperate conversation) that you don't feel comfortable leaving your daughter there in light of the recent developments.



That being said, I remember being curious at that age about how boys and girls are different. I would find out more about the "made me" comment because she could have been curious and then embarrassed once it was done. Just a thought.
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KidWhisperer
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:05 AM

First, let me offer to give you a virtual hug!!! I know this is a really stressful situation but I am really glad to see you seeking advice because you obviously want to address this but are a little apprehensive. Your very first and most important priority here is the safety and well being of your daughter. As far as I'm concerned there's no such thing as being too careful when it comes to situations like these and you MUST listen to your intuition.  It is really important for you to have a conversation with your brother and his wife about what your daughter told you. I would suggest not having either child around when you do.  Your only option here is to be honest and come from a place of compassion and love because chances are one or both of them may get defensive as soon as you bring it up.  I'm not sure if your nephew has had any type of therapy or counseling since he was molested but he really needs someone to address these issues with him while he is young so that he knows what acceptable behavior is while he young and these problems don't follow him into his teen and or adult life.  I know you are probably worried about how your brother or his wife will react but just let them know from the very beginning that you love them and you love your nephew and that you aren't trying to place blame but you are worried about your nephew and your daughter. As hard as it is for you to take the initiative to start this conversation, it is wil lbe 10,000 times easier than if you had to deal with something bad happening to your child. Good luck to you! And for what it's worth I am proud of you and think you are a wonderful mom for picking up on this right away and for listening to your daughter.

mistync
by Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:14 AM
Thank you. As far as I know he was never in any type of counseling or therapy to help him cope. It was a really messed up situation where his paternal grandmother(he's my brothers step son) had been molesting him when he would stay at her house. Nothing ever came of the charges because the judge(who was friends with the grandmothers family) said that he was too young to be able to say honestly if she had touched him. It was an all around horrible situation .Thankfully my sil did get their visitation revoked. I love him the same as I do my other nephew and niece he's been in the family since he was a little over 2 and I can't bare the thought that I am going to be bringing up all those bad memories for him by talking with his parents but I have to tell to get him help and I have to protect my dd. I'm going to talk more in depth with dd tomorrow and then ill give sil a call. Thank you for your support and advice.

Quoting KidWhisperer:

First, let me offer to give you a virtual hug!!! I know this is a really stressful situation but I am really glad to see you seeking advice because you obviously want to address this but are a little apprehensive. Your very first and most important priority here is the safety and well being of your daughter. As far as I'm concerned there's no such thing as being too careful when it comes to situations like these and you MUST listen to your intuition.  It is really important for you to have a conversation with your brother and his wife about what your daughter told you. I would suggest not having either child around when you do.  Your only option here is to be honest and come from a place of compassion and love because chances are one or both of them may get defensive as soon as you bring it up.  I'm not sure if your nephew has had any type of therapy or counseling since he was molested but he really needs someone to address these issues with him while he is young so that he knows what acceptable behavior is while he young and these problems don't follow him into his teen and or adult life.  I know you are probably worried about how your brother or his wife will react but just let them know from the very beginning that you love them and you love your nephew and that you aren't trying to place blame but you are worried about your nephew and your daughter. As hard as it is for you to take the initiative to start this conversation, it is wil lbe 10,000 times easier than if you had to deal with something bad happening to your child. Good luck to you! And for what it's worth I am proud of you and think you are a wonderful mom for picking up on this right away and for listening to your daughter.

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JasonsMom2007
by Platinum Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:20 AM

I would talk to the parents but my brother and all of the neighbor boys would just drop their pants and pee in front of me for years.  It didn't harm me in any way.

In this case I would worry about it escalating though.  Make sure you teach your daughter about good touch bad touch.

KidWhisperer
by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:21 AM
1 mom liked this

Try not to think of it as bringing up bad memories for the family or the child because what you are really doing is trying to get him some help so that something worse doesn't happen to him when he's older.

mistync
by Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:26 AM
Same here when I was a kid. Its just the "he made me watch" and his history of being sexually abused. We've talked about her privates and how they are hers to touch and no one elses and that we are not susposed to touch other peoples privates. If anyone tries or asks that she needs to find a trusted adult to tell. She knows who the trusted adults are (me, her dad, maw maw and paw paw a doc or a cop etc.its a short list because I don't want her thinking that its ok for a trusted adult to touch her either) I did go over the private area convo again after she said that.

Quoting JasonsMom2007:

I would talk to the parents but my brother and all of the neighbor boys would just drop their pants and pee in front of me for years.  It didn't harm me in any way.

In this case I would worry about it escalating though.  Make sure you teach your daughter about good touch bad touch.

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JasonsMom2007
by Platinum Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:28 AM

it sounds like you are doing all of the right things.  Good luck *hugs*

Quoting mistync:

Same here when I was a kid. Its just the "he made me watch" and his history of being sexually abused. We've talked about her privates and how they are hers to touch and no one elses and that we are not susposed to touch other peoples privates. If anyone tries or asks that she needs to find a trusted adult to tell. She knows who the trusted adults are (me, her dad, maw maw and paw paw a doc or a cop etc.its a short list because I don't want her thinking that its ok for a trusted adult to touch her either) I did go over the private area convo again after she said that.

Quoting JasonsMom2007:

I would talk to the parents but my brother and all of the neighbor boys would just drop their pants and pee in front of me for years.  It didn't harm me in any way.

In this case I would worry about it escalating though.  Make sure you teach your daughter about good touch bad touch.



Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.  ~Mildred B. Vermont
mistync
by Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:32 AM
Thank you. Ill try to update tomorrow after I talk with dd and then my brother and sil.

Quoting JasonsMom2007:

it sounds like you are doing all of the right things.  Good luck *hugs*


Quoting mistync:

Same here when I was a kid. Its just the "he made me watch" and his history of being sexually abused. We've talked about her privates and how they are hers to touch and no one elses and that we are not susposed to touch other peoples privates. If anyone tries or asks that she needs to find a trusted adult to tell. She knows who the trusted adults are (me, her dad, maw maw and paw paw a doc or a cop etc.its a short list because I don't want her thinking that its ok for a trusted adult to touch her either) I did go over the private area convo again after she said that.



Quoting JasonsMom2007:

I would talk to the parents but my brother and all of the neighbor boys would just drop their pants and pee in front of me for years.  It didn't harm me in any way.

In this case I would worry about it escalating though.  Make sure you teach your daughter about good touch bad touch.


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