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**NEED advice** on whats "fair" custody and visitation

Posted by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:26 AM
  • 55 Replies

 I have 16 month old twin daughters. Their father and I are splitting apart. I want to be civil, I have no idea what to do or where to go with this.........

I am  not worried about being a single mom per say as he does very very little other then split the rent with me and watches the girls ( for "free") on his days off so I don't have to pay the babysitter( which I pay 100% otherwise plus 100% groceries, he pays the utilities) He is a horrible partner and is making me miserable. He is not a "bad" dad. He plays with them. Reads to them et cetra but god help 'em if they need a actual meal or a regularly scheduled nap.

I do believe fathers and daughters have rights to each other and I want to do nothing to damage their father/daughter relationship.

I expect him to pay some child support as he makes about 2,000 more then I do every month. I want to try and come to an agreement before I go to finalize with a lawyer.

Any advice on what is "fair"? Two days one night a week in his care? (Nights may be an issuegoing crazy as my daughters are not yet weaned from the breast and nurse in the wee hours) Every other weekend? I have no idea...what a mess....

PS: PLEASE no hate mail. I do not need to hear about  marriage ( I am thanking every GOD possible that I refused marriage!!!!) or any other hateful, not helpful nonsense. REAL ADVISE ONLY THANK YOU!



****Update/response****

Thank you so much to everyone who posted. I do appreciate the majority of you! Im trying to remember and respond to everything I read no offense if I miss something!

First off to the lady who posted about the father can take them out of state without my consent and all that nonsense...well I don't know where you live but that is actually called parental kidnapping is is very much against the law. Maybe your trying to be an alarmist or maybe you don't know what you are talking about I don't know either way you are very misinformed.

Breastfeeding and weaning people! Oh my goodness!!! What a debate! I was not trying to say that he should not have them because they still nurse just stating a fact of the matter. Related point: I do express breast milk when I go to work. On the days he is home with them sometimes all the bottles will be gone( and scattered about the house) other days the bottles have not been touched at all which means they went 9 hours without milk...WHY might you ask? Because he felt they ate enough already or because he forgot or because they didn't seem to need it....well they ALWAYS need it anytime anyone else watched them regardless of the amount they ate that day so.....you tell me about that huh? Anyhow my daughters LOVE to nurse and I have no intention of weaning them before they are ready and I don't care what any one thinks about that.

To the lady who asked why I don't just go to a lawyer and figure it all then....because that way will cost way more money.

To the lady who asked why go to a lawyer at all because I am well aware that verbal agreements do not stand ground. What ever agreement is reached will be a legal verifiable document.

A few people posted about child support. I am not saying I am going to ask him nice to give me a check every month. I am saying I expect child support and am therefore going through my county to secure that.

A lot of you said " well just talk it over with him"....Well I have tried that/am trying that. His response " well you're going to make sure you get what you want anyway" and he storms off. Not at all a lets be grown ups and figure out this giant fuckin mess we're all in kinda thing at all. So I am going to draft an offer of agreement, take it to a lawyer and go from there. That is why I ask what might be fair. Dude is a immature dickwad but he is also the father of my beautiful precious amazing daughters. If they decide they want nothing to do with each other when they are older that is their choice to make. I will not take that choice from any of them.

That is all I an wrap my brin around at the moment I hope that answerd all the questions....

Thanks again! Most of you are awesome!

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:26 AM
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Replies (1-10):
caro100
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:00 AM

Basically, if you're still breast feeding it's not realistic for the girls to be spending nights awy from you.  When you wean them, which you should be fairly soon, you can decide what works for you all.  Any way,he may start out keeping them overnight, but if its too much trouble, he will more than likely start to make excuses why he can't keep them overnight.  Just saying.   I would let him take the kids by himself for a daytrip then check how things go afterwards.  Good Luck.

Jers.
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:05 AM

What kind of time is he asking for?

Why do you want to come to an agreement before meeting with a lawyer?  You can both submit to lawyers or an arbitrator what time you each want with the children and the lawyers or arbitrator can work it out fromt here if there are disagreemnts.  Just because you are breast feeding doesn't always matter.  I've seen moms told to send expressed milk with their kids for visitation.

missamanda86
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:10 AM

What about a few hours every other day or something? BF'ing you really cant let them spend the night yet. I couldnt really advise you much, my situation is completly different. I live in a whole different state than my ex and really all the judge granted him was every other holiday and any other visitation we agree on. I suppose you could say on paper x amount of hours, every other day and what ever other times you agree to. That way, theres no real set in stone plan until the kids are ready

doulala
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:15 AM


Why not work *with* the lawy
er rather than prior?
They shouldn't have any nights with him for a while....   Maybe in a couple of years when they are weaned.
You can include something in your paperwork that says days only for the first year after weaning, then one night/week for that year, and move up.     I would definitely take that slowly.

doulala
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:17 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting caro100:

Basically, if you're still breast feeding it's not realistic for the girls to be spending nights awy from you.  When you wean them, which you should be fairly soon, you can decide what works for you all.  Any way,he may start out keeping them overnight, but if its too much trouble, he will more than likely start to make excuses why he can't keep them overnight.  Just saying.   I would let him take the kids by himself for a daytrip then check how things go afterwards.  Good Luck.

 "Should" wean fairly soon?   Who knows...   It may be years away from weaning yet.

caro100
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:19 AM

The girls are over a year old, but most kids are eating table food by then.  Sorry, but breast feeding in my opinion is just gratuitous after a year old.  In other words, it mostly for Mom instead of children, unless of course you are in a third world country.

Quoting doulala:


Quoting caro100:

Basically, if you're still breast feeding it's not realistic for the girls to be spending nights awy from you.  When you wean them, which you should be fairly soon, you can decide what works for you all.  Any way,he may start out keeping them overnight, but if its too much trouble, he will more than likely start to make excuses why he can't keep them overnight.  Just saying.   I would let him take the kids by himself for a daytrip then check how things go afterwards.  Good Luck.

 "Should" wean fairly soon?   Who knows...   It may be years away from weaning yet.


missamanda86
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:21 AM
3 moms liked this

From my experience, its harder on the child if you try to wean them before they are ready. And its not at all about gratitude. My oldest breastfed for 15 months because that was her comfort tool, and I would have gone longer if she had wanted to...

Quoting caro100:

The girls are over a year old, but most kids are eating table food by then.  Sorry, but breast feeding in my opinion is just gratuitous after a year old.  In other words, it mostly for Mom instead of children, unless of course you are in a third world country.

Quoting doulala:


Quoting caro100:

Basically, if you're still breast feeding it's not realistic for the girls to be spending nights awy from you.  When you wean them, which you should be fairly soon, you can decide what works for you all.  Any way,he may start out keeping them overnight, but if its too much trouble, he will more than likely start to make excuses why he can't keep them overnight.  Just saying.   I would let him take the kids by himself for a daytrip then check how things go afterwards.  Good Luck.

 "Should" wean fairly soon?   Who knows...   It may be years away from weaning yet.



doulala
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:23 AM
2 moms liked this

Your opinion is fine for you.    But for most humans, this isn't normal.     If she follows the norm (any culture, no need to assume) then her kids may be nursing a while yet.    That is fine and expected.    Eating table food doesn't mean weaned.   ;-)

Quoting caro100:

The girls are over a year old, but most kids are eating table food by then.  Sorry, but breast feeding in my opinion is just gratuitous after a year old.  In other words, it mostly for Mom instead of children, unless of course you are in a third world country.

Quoting doulala:
caro100
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:29 AM

I understand what you are saying, but I did breastfeed both my boys and I disagree with you that breast feeding or nursing after they are eating table food is still necessary for the child, my pediatrician's opinion.  My boys were starting to use sippy cups, so I felt it was time to do the weaning thing.  By the way I wish I had had a douhlah instead of hubs, so useless.   I had a friend that breast fed hers until they were about 4, I'm sorry, I really thought that was overkill.

Quoting doulala:

Your opinion is fine for you.    But for most humans, this isn't normal.     If she follows the norm (any culture, no need to assume) then her kids may be nursing a while yet.    That is fine and expected.    Eating table food doesn't mean weaned.   ;-)

Quoting caro100:

The girls are over a year old, but most kids are eating table food by then.  Sorry, but breast feeding in my opinion is just gratuitous after a year old.  In other words, it mostly for Mom instead of children, unless of course you are in a third world country.

Quoting doulala:


meliscool72
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 1:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I think maybe every other weekend or whatever (you can use a pump and give them enough to feed on for the weekend if you start to save up before the weekend comes near). something like that 

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