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**NEED advice** on whats "fair" custody and visitation

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 I have 16 month old twin daughters. Their father and I are splitting apart. I want to be civil, I have no idea what to do or where to go with this.........

I am  not worried about being a single mom per say as he does very very little other then split the rent with me and watches the girls ( for "free") on his days off so I don't have to pay the babysitter( which I pay 100% otherwise plus 100% groceries, he pays the utilities) He is a horrible partner and is making me miserable. He is not a "bad" dad. He plays with them. Reads to them et cetra but god help 'em if they need a actual meal or a regularly scheduled nap.

I do believe fathers and daughters have rights to each other and I want to do nothing to damage their father/daughter relationship.

I expect him to pay some child support as he makes about 2,000 more then I do every month. I want to try and come to an agreement before I go to finalize with a lawyer.

Any advice on what is "fair"? Two days one night a week in his care? (Nights may be an issuegoing crazy as my daughters are not yet weaned from the breast and nurse in the wee hours) Every other weekend? I have no idea...what a mess....

PS: PLEASE no hate mail. I do not need to hear about  marriage ( I am thanking every GOD possible that I refused marriage!!!!) or any other hateful, not helpful nonsense. REAL ADVISE ONLY THANK YOU!



****Update/response****

Thank you so much to everyone who posted. I do appreciate the majority of you! Im trying to remember and respond to everything I read no offense if I miss something!

First off to the lady who posted about the father can take them out of state without my consent and all that nonsense...well I don't know where you live but that is actually called parental kidnapping is is very much against the law. Maybe your trying to be an alarmist or maybe you don't know what you are talking about I don't know either way you are very misinformed.

Breastfeeding and weaning people! Oh my goodness!!! What a debate! I was not trying to say that he should not have them because they still nurse just stating a fact of the matter. Related point: I do express breast milk when I go to work. On the days he is home with them sometimes all the bottles will be gone( and scattered about the house) other days the bottles have not been touched at all which means they went 9 hours without milk...WHY might you ask? Because he felt they ate enough already or because he forgot or because they didn't seem to need it....well they ALWAYS need it anytime anyone else watched them regardless of the amount they ate that day so.....you tell me about that huh? Anyhow my daughters LOVE to nurse and I have no intention of weaning them before they are ready and I don't care what any one thinks about that.

To the lady who asked why I don't just go to a lawyer and figure it all then....because that way will cost way more money.

To the lady who asked why go to a lawyer at all because I am well aware that verbal agreements do not stand ground. What ever agreement is reached will be a legal verifiable document.

A few people posted about child support. I am not saying I am going to ask him nice to give me a check every month. I am saying I expect child support and am therefore going through my county to secure that.

A lot of you said " well just talk it over with him"....Well I have tried that/am trying that. His response " well you're going to make sure you get what you want anyway" and he storms off. Not at all a lets be grown ups and figure out this giant fuckin mess we're all in kinda thing at all. So I am going to draft an offer of agreement, take it to a lawyer and go from there. That is why I ask what might be fair. Dude is a immature dickwad but he is also the father of my beautiful precious amazing daughters. If they decide they want nothing to do with each other when they are older that is their choice to make. I will not take that choice from any of them.

That is all I an wrap my brin around at the moment I hope that answerd all the questions....

Thanks again! Most of you are awesome!

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 12:26 AM
Replies (31-40):
lnr187
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:23 PM

ask him what he wants. im going to assume, based on some of the info you shared, that it's not going to be all that often. being that you're still breast feeding, overnights is probably not an option right now and he probably doesn't want to wake up multiple times during the night. offer that he have them on his days off during the week as you do now, and he can take them for the day saturday or sunday. or if you have physical custody, the order can be worded to say visitation is "as agreed upon". assuming you can work together and be civil, this might be a good option. and unless you split parenting time 50/50, he should absolutely pay child support.

victoriahearts
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 4:05 PM

Wow I just saw your post and with the update, you must have been dealing with a lot of responses to put it nicely. I will tell you what was fair to me and ex. My ex and I agreed that he would get our son every other weekend when he was in town and he would pick up our son from preschool ( now school) one day a week and keep his for dinner and return him by bedtime. Holidays were worked out on alternative schedule. I would say start a schedule when you ex moves out if that is the plan, and then ask him to take them one or two days , when he is off and return them for bedtime, if that works then let him have them one night a week and see how that works and if it continues to go well then start doing every other weekend. Since they are so young and they are twins , I would do small steps first to make sure they can handle it and dad can handle it.

1rstbornSON
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 4:17 PM
1 mom liked this
First relax, you can meet with a court mediator(their free, also it takes getting use to the idea of being a single parent. You can only worry about making sure you are doing your best so keep your personal feelings towards your EX to yourself. Positive thinking leads to positive living! Good luck & It Gets Better.
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angelette_89
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 6:47 PM

You know good question but i do not have any advice to give you but i can tell you this my partner is going through the same thing but his ex wont let him see his daughter and they don't talk to each other and i don't know what to tell him... but me and his friend chase is in the middle of the feud and we don't want too, but the only reason he doesn't get to see his daughter is because im in the picture... and i just don't know what to do or say and he's gotta daughter with me and so she has a sister and i want the two babies meet each other but the mother wont let them and it's tragic because father and daughter are very important to have in each other's lives i just don't know what to do or say anymore help me please give me some advice on what he can do about this situation and how he can get visitation with his daughter...

marchantmom06
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:21 PM
You seem very very misinformed about a lot of things.
For one after a year the judge will not take breast feeding into account as its not a nesseasry for their health and growth at that stage.
Also he can legally take and keep the kids as long as he want if no custody is in place. Period. No matter who told you differently call and ask your local police department.

At this stage he sounds like a real piece of shit he should start with supervised visitation and until he is performing all his duties correctly then he shouldn't keep them over night.
And about his statement to you about "you'll get what you want anyway" it sounds like he is incredibly accurate.
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CoeyG
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:27 PM


Quoting angelette_89:

You know good question but i do not have any advice to give you but i can tell you this my partner is going through the same thing but his ex wont let him see his daughter and they don't talk to each other and i don't know what to tell him... but me and his friend chase is in the middle of the feud and we don't want too, but the only reason he doesn't get to see his daughter is because im in the picture... and i just don't know what to do or say and he's gotta daughter with me and so she has a sister and i want the two babies meet each other but the mother wont let them and it's tragic because father and daughter are very important to have in each other's lives i just don't know what to do or say anymore help me please give me some advice on what he can do about this situation and how he can get visitation with his daughter...

The mother of his other child doesn't have to allow her chld to meet your's if she doesn't want it is her child not your's.  You do not belong in the middle of hsi problems with his ex.  If he wants visitation with his child then he has to go to court and get a court order.  As long as he doesn't his ex doesn't have to give him the child...but then he doesn't have to support the child unless there is a court order of Child support.  

cb.5
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:18 PM


Quoting marchantmom06:

You seem very very misinformed about a lot of things.
For one after a year the judge will not take breast feeding into account as its not a nesseasry for their health and growth at that stage.
Also he can legally take and keep the kids as long as he want if no custody is in place. Period. No matter who told you differently call and ask your local police department.

At this stage he sounds like a real piece of shit he should start with supervised visitation and until he is performing all his duties correctly then he shouldn't keep them over night.
And about his statement to you about "you'll get what you want anyway" it sounds like he is incredibly accurate.

 I am not sure you actually read my post because your response points are very off or maybe just very very misinformed.

I did contact the police and they are the ones who told me the law. I have custody as of now but for sake of agreement and I am willing to discuss this matter.

 THANKS!

offrdngal
by Terri on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:39 PM
I hope that my earlier reply was not taken wrong. I was trying to help. Each state has visitation guidelines set up. The attorneys and judges use them to make their decisions. Sometimes they follow them to a "t", other times they adjust them to suit the child's best interest.
You can look at guidelines and figure out what you believe will be on your child's best interest. You can find your state's guidelines, online.
Good luck!

cb.5
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:43 PM


Quoting offrdngal:

I hope that my earlier reply was not taken wrong. I was trying to help. Each state has visitation guidelines set up. The attorneys and judges use them to make their decisions. Sometimes they follow them to a "t", other times they adjust them to suit the child's best interest.
You can look at guidelines and figure out what you believe will be on your child's best interest. You can find your state's guidelines, online.
Good luck!

Thank you, I did not know there were guidlines set up and it would be helpful to look at. I don't think I replied to your original response but honestly it's hard to get 'em all lined out. Thanks again

marchantmom06
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:44 PM
So he is not on the birth certificate and has never acknowledge paternity? He's signed legal documents giving you full legal custody? Because according to this LAW BOOK I'm holding in my lap you are indeed wrong.


Quoting cb.5:



Quoting marchantmom06:

You seem very very misinformed about a lot of things.

For one after a year the judge will not take breast feeding into account as its not a nesseasry for their health and growth at that stage.

Also he can legally take and keep the kids as long as he want if no custody is in place. Period. No matter who told you differently call and ask your local police department.



At this stage he sounds like a real piece of shit he should start with supervised visitation and until he is performing all his duties correctly then he shouldn't keep them over night.

And about his statement to you about "you'll get what you want anyway" it sounds like he is incredibly accurate.

 I am not sure you actually read my post because your response points
are very off or maybe just very very misinformed.

I did contact the police
and they are the ones who told me the law. I have custody as of now but
for sake of agreement and I am willing to discuss this matter.

 THANKS!


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