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Differences in parenting styles. HELP!

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:16 PM
  • 33 Replies

I need help.  My husband and I have completely different parenting styles.  He works a lot, so I am home most of the time with the kids.  They are his biological kids and my step kids making the situation more difficult.  He often tells me to not tell him how to raise "his kids,"  

My first example: My step son is 9 and in the 4th grade.  His father and I had a parent teacher conference with his teacher on Monday.  My SS is failing 3 out 5 of his subjects.  The 3 subjects that really count, math, reading and writing.  It's not that he isn't smart, or grasping the concepts...the problem is behavioral.  He isn't listening, he is playing, talking, fiddling, folding paper, ect ect ect...and not turning in work, or if he turns in his work it's maybe 1/4 completed.  During the parent teacher conference I did 99% of the talking with the teacher and when my husband decided to pitch in it was to crack a joke or say something that wasn't helpful.  It was very frustrating.  I let it stew in my head until today, when I met my husband for lunch I brought it up and he got super defensive with me and told me that I was calling him wrong and a bad parent.  That he doesn't have all the answers and that there isn't a idiots guide to parenting.  I just wanted to talk about where to go from here, what to do because i don't have all the answers either and I wanted to work with him on what to try next because clearly what we're doing isn't working.

Example 2: Last weekend my husband, 2 step kids and I were running errands.  Stopped at a traffic light we see a homeless man with his head in a trash can,  My first thought was "poor guy" and I was filled with empathy and thoughts of him not having a bed to sleep in or food to eat.  However, my 11 year old step daughter started laughing at the man, saying how stupid he looked having his bead under the top of the trash can.  I snapped at her that it wasn't funny, when my husband stated that he thought it was funny too and that the guy was a druggie anyway and that he made his own bed.  I just don't think teaching your child that it is ok to laugh at other peoples challenges or I can't think of the word...but anyway, laughing at people is just not ok.  Teach empathy, compassion instead.

I have so many more examples, but that's all I will write for now, since if I don't stop now I would continue to rample forever.  

Please, any tips/suggestions/ideas would be so helpful!

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PerfectVirgo
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:18 PM
How frustrating! I have never been in that situation. Bump!
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frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:23 PM
1 mom liked this

I would be extremely frustrated as well and wonder if i somehow hit hard times how he would treat me.   Not all homeless are drug abusers.  Many have fallen on hard times and livng this way is only option.   Since he is not home alot he has no idea what goes on.  I would see if hours can be cut back or closer to home if he wants to get his children back on track for school, otherwise let you continue to work on it.

terpmama
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:26 PM
2 moms liked this
Counseling
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TylersMom999
by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:27 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting terpmama:

Counseling

I second this.

Bleacheddecay
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Thirded!

Quoting terpmama:

Counseling


Bonzi322
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:35 PM

We have talked about counseling for months, maybe even over a year.  We went to one session and then his work schedule interfered with all the counselor's open session spots so we haven't gone back.  I feel frustrated and desperate that he isn't making us getting this therapy a priority.  He puts it all on me when he makes statements like "my schedule for the month is on the BIG calendar in the living room, you make the appointment"  but when I asked him what the counselor said the last time he called he told me that the counselor didn't have any opennings until January and my husband doesn't have his work schedule for January yet.  What i don't understand is why he can't tell his boss he needs to leave early or come in late on the day we have therapy.  Why can't he make that a priority?  Why am I and our relationship not a priority to him?

opal10161973
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:35 PM
2 moms liked this

First one, I could see maybe a misunderstanding.

Second one, is not a matter of parenting styles, he was just being a jerk. 

You should consider counseling for this, since he is leaving the parenting to you, but ONLY when it benefits him.  What he is saying is completely disrespectful to you.  He is not treating you like an equal and the kids will start having trouble listening to you, if they haven't already.  It will be things like, "I'm telling Dad when he gets home." or something along those lines.  If you lose the respect of the children, you're lost. 

Also, the SS may need to be evaluated for ADD/ADHD, if he is that busy in class.  There are many things that can be tried either with behavior modification therapies or changing diet and adding more exercise, that may be beneficial, before considering meds.  So, don't think that I am saying drug the kid up.  I am not, but if he is having THAT much trouble, he needs to be evaluated, even just to rule it out.

emmy526
by Gold Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:42 PM
2 moms liked this

if he is not going to make you and your marriage and his kids his top priority, then resign yourself to a life like this, unless you decide you've had enough and leave.  Try going to counseling without him. 

Bonzi322
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:43 PM

First of all, I love your pic!  I am so mad they had this bullshit mid season finale shit!

Secondly, we just moved and the kids switched schools so we could be closer to my husbands job.  I also had to transfer my job.  Anyway, before we moved we had started an evaluation of my ss at his old school.  We need to get all that info transfered so they can continue the testing.  So far they have found he has a slight hearing problem and he needs glasses.  We already knew about the glasses, but he has already lost or broken 2 pairs and the funds for another pair just knowing he will either lose or break them has us waiting to get him another pair.  I have a hard time understanding the slight hearing problem, I have never had any issues with him hearing me.  I just wish my husband and I could be on the same page.  

CoeyG
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

Why is this so difficult?  He is their father you are just the step mother.  He is the last word on raising his chldren, not you.  Maybe you should have gotten to know him better before you agreed to marry him.  

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