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Anyone been through this? Not sure if Im posting in right group???...

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:17 AM
  • 44 Replies

Ive tried to be a good mother to both my children but lately I seem to feel as though I can't breathe. I feel at times that I am at a loss for words on how to talk to my daughter. The entire time that she was 16 all I went through and heard was that 'Im leaving here when I turn 17'. So I had to endure the hurt, anger, frustration and being left with the ultimate question as to Why. Why would she want to leave a home where she is nurtured, cared for on every level and even given much more than those around her. I decided then that I couldn't answer that question for her or more importantly myself. I chose to just let it go and let whatever happen, happen. 

She turned 17 and she's still here. I guess she decided that leaving was not her best option because well, she doesn't have a job so therefore she would have no source of income and she has no car so how would she get from point A to point B? Guess living at home wasn't a bad option to go with. I mean we give her all that she needs and some times when earned; what she wants. I am not saying that she wouldn't have a place to go because that's all we heard. 'I have friends', well are they going to cart you around and give you what you need in regards to your care and well being? I think not! Guess the grass really wasn't greener on the other side!
I have provided medical and mental needs to her from early on and now I am at a loss on how to provide that to her when she abuses the meds or just doesn't take them because she chooses at any given time not to. What is a parent to do when their 17 year old child dictates to them on what they are going to do and what they are not going to do? I have found myself asking this question a lot lately. I have yet to come up with an answer for it. I am tired of feeling exhausted and mentally drained and just when we think one door has been closed and we MIGHT be able to gain some closure from it; something new arises. There is never a time to really get past one incident before something else comes into play. 
A week ago tomorrow I came home to find my daughter passed out with her eyes open and no response to my voice, my shaking her or even my screeching screaming. I was panicking and had to dial 911. I have only had to dial that number one other time in my life and that is when I lost my first daughter to SIDS. Everything from that day came rushing back to me in a hurry. I was beginning to think I had lost my daughter to her stupidity of 'huffing'. I am not real familiar with huffing but I can tell you that I have certainly educated myself on the fad of teens now. I was 5 minutes away from losing her when she came to. The paramedics arrived and checked her vitals and oxygen and she checked out. She now wears a reminder of that day that to me she seems so proud of. She has a burned hand from where she held the can of dust remover aka can of air. She has burns on her chest and yet she took it to Facebook and posted the picture of her hand. That made me very upset but yet there's nothing I can do. Sure I can suspend her Facebook account you might be thinking however, she will go behind our backs and make a new one and then I have no way into her world that she allows us in to some degree. I can't do it.
She went on Twitter and posted there about the ordeal and even went as far as talking to friends about what she had done. We have yet been given a formal apology of any kind. Does she have any remorse? Does she even care that she almost died? I can't say but what I can say is that every night when I go to bed and I close my eyes that is the image I see and it's frightening and traumatizing. I can't for the life of me explain how I feel about all of it. She has created a monster that I can not escape from and it scares to me to think that I need to prepare myself for the worse. There will be a next time because there always is. There never seems to be an end to any of this and it has really left me with having no respect towards her and has created resentment towards her. I hate to say those things about someone I love with all of my being but she has created this and I don't know how to get past it. 
I tried obtaining a mental warrant for her but was told that she would have to consent to treatment. What the hell is that? She is still a child, living in my home that we pay for and yet she gets to decide as to whether or not she needs treatment? Bullshit! Talk about angry, you bet I am! 
They tell me that I can't kick her out because she is 17 and yet she can leave and come and go as she pleases but I have to leave my door unlocked to her until she reaches the age of 18! What is this a non pay hotel? Bullshit again. Where are our rights as a parent? What can we do? I have had her in several treatment facilities where she stayed there and we had to pay for it and yet nothing seems to work. We have taken her to many drs, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists and yet still nothing works. I have had her on different meds and now she doesn't believe she needs them. Who is she to say? She pisses me off with her rudeness towards myself and my husband and everyone else. She has no respect for herself or others and it truly irritates the hell out of me. I don't know what else to do or where to turn. 
I have people who tell me to turn it over to God, I've been asking for that kind of help and yet I never receive it. I am just so angry and upset and bitter towards this entire situation that I can no longer find it within me to keep giving and giving. There's a saying that says, 'You can't give up on someone who has already given up on themselves' I believe in those words right there. I feel as though she has given up on herself a long time ago and yet I still try to pick up the pieces and keep dusting her off and trying to get her the help in which she needs. But what do you do when you send someone to counseling or to the dr and they lie about everything? I don't have the answers to that but what I do know is this; if she doesn't change her ways she will be dead before the age of 19 or 20 if not sooner. One time might be to late and there will be no bringing her back or etc. 
I am at a loss here and have no idea what to do any longer. I don't want to give up on her because that's the mother instinct in me but as a person; yeah I think I am getting there if I haven't already! Time is of the essence for this child and I am not sure how much time is on her side if she doesn't make a change!
Most Respectfully,
Barbara

Check out my books on Goodreads:
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by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bafamily
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 10:40 AM
2 moms liked this

First I have never been through this as a parent, my oldest is only 12.  However, I watched my mother go through this with my sisters.  She didn't believe in kicking them out even though they were constantly running away.  She has always been there for them and all they do is kick her in the teeth.  Sorry to hear that you seem to have the same thing on your hands.  I'm also sorry to tell you that there is nothing you can do except take away all her comforts.  Strip her room of even the bed.  Thats what I would do.  She wants to treat your house like a crash house her room can look like one.  You may not be able to keep her off of facebook but you don't have to give her the means of getting on it.  Take away her phone, why should you pay for it.  And I would check into getting her admitted into another program because she did try to (shiver) take her own life.  I'm so sorry and may God be with you.  I've watched my mom go through this my entire life and I can't say sorry enough.  Take away her clothes too except the oldest rattest of them. Give them away to the homeless.  You probably feel like a prisoner in your own home.  Oye children!  I see my 12  heading down this path(disobedent, no remorse, stealing just because he wanted it).  We are going to see a counsler today as a matter of fact.  My sister who is 33 still lies to her counslers.  It is unfortunate that some people in this world just aren't willing to take responsability for their actions and that includes my son.  It is for this reason among many others why the Lord said bless the women who are barren, they will not know this fear and anger, but being barren is a double edged sword.  Try and find an intake for people who have tried to hurt themselves if you haven't already.  I hope there is one.  My sister was involuntary put in a mental institue after her half fast attempt.  God bless you and if you need to vent just message me or post I'm here and I like this place.

veganistic
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry... my children are small, but i myself was a very difficult teenager. I did dangeous and stupid drugs, i put myself in situations that i am so ashamed of now.


I don't know why i changed... i know i never got truly addicted to Any drug, although you couldn't have convinced me to stop...





My mother didn't really intervene, and i kept it somewhat hidden. I think she had to detach somewhat to save her sanity, and not ask what i was up to, although she knew i was on drugs and i came and went as i pleased. If she had known the scope of it She would have worried to death. I don't know if she could have stopped me. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Someday your daughter will regret With all her heart all the pain she caused you
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Bmat
by Barb on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Saying they are going to leave is typical of the age. It is natural for teens to want to rip away the apron strings. Then when they find the nest a comfortable and secure place they have second thoughts. I did not have to deal with what you are facing now.  If your daughter is not in school, then she should have a full time job. If she is going to go to college, she should have a job to help earn money for this. I don't know if her friends are encouraging the behavior, but if you can get her to stay busy, maybe it would help. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

ifweallknew
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:25 AM

Yes, you are correct that leaving home at this age is typical. That I get and it is a no nevermind to me at this point. The only thing I worry about is the usage of drugs etc. She is on 3000 dollars worth of meds per month and is supposed to be taking them however she has decided that there is nothing wrong with her. I have tried to force her to take the meds to no avail and now can not get her to do so. She either hides them or flushes them. I still continue to get the meds because as a mom that is my responsibility to assure her that I will continue to do what I know is the right thing to do. Maybe she will come around one day and take them and maybe she won't. She is still in school, she's a junior. She has been in cheerleading, soccer, gymnastics, track, dance and has quit them all. None of her friends are doing the things she has chosen to do. If anything they have been trying to encourage her NOT to do the things she is doing. They can't seem to reach her either. It's a very sad situation in which we are in but I can't give up. I will continue to try to reach her on some level and hope that it will click with her at some point. She goes online and meets and talks to people who she does not know. I have changed the code to our Wifi and that royally upset her yesterday. I don't care, I need to not allow that to bother me because it is my right as her mother to do whatever I see fit to control her internet usage. She can't abide by our rules then she gets no priviledges. I do not owe her anything and I know this. I just can't for the life of me understand the actions in which she continues to ensue upon herself and those around her. I have asked her repeatedly what is causing her to do these things and her reply is and always is 'I don't know'. I have a hard time with accepting that answer because we all know right from wrong. It's just a matter of accepting the know how to not do the things in which she continues to do. Until she wants the help it is not going to work and I know that but I can't stop trying can I?

ifweallknew
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:45 AM

And allow me to add a little background here about myself. 

I am a college graduate and have recently went back to school to earn my degree in Psychology! I have Parkinsons along with being recently in remission from Stage II Melanoma. I have actively been involved with school funtions, volunteering for the homeless and have a chair for the Advocacy rights of the Homeless. I was a stay at home mom for a long time for both my children until my divorce umpteen years ago. I never dated afterwards because I put work, school and my children first. There just wasn't any time for that. I remained single for 8 years and just went about my everyday life until I met my current husband. She has never once seen me have a "revolving door" so to speak. I just don't envy that lifestyle and yet I don't judge others by doing so. To each their own. I have been re married for about 6 years and she adores her step dad. She even calls him dad because she has no relationship with her biological dad. She chose that on her own, he did not. She has tried to set fire to his house etc and he just can't allow her to make false allegations towards him. I don't blame him and honestly if I ever thought he was a harm to our children or his current wife I would not allow my son to live there. She has falsely accused a boy of rape who now has to register as a sex offender. She later recanted her story and admitted it was consented sex but because she was 15 and he was 17 the charges stuck. Those charges would have never been there had she not lied in the first place. An innocent boy has lost his pride etc because of her actions. The reason she screamed rape in the first place is because she was late getting back to the school campus for the van of the girls home where she was staying was looking for her. That was her immediate thought, to scream rape to get out of being in trouble for being off school grounds. She has ran away from that girls home and was missing for 19 hours and when found she was in an abandoned house with two MEN who she got high with on cocaine and ecstacy and was higher than a kite and did some very nasty things with them. Her and another girl that she ran away with. So the moral of the story here is that we have tried everything and now I don't know what to do. I just guess Im looking to talk to someone and get insight. Thank you all very much!

Macphee
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:52 AM

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Teenagers' rebellion can literally drive parents crazy. My siblings and I went through varying degrees. Someone close to me had to get expelled twice, and go to rehab. The thing is, she is reaching the age of being a mature adult. If she does not get herself straight before she becomes a legal adult, the legal system will take over that for her. Honestly, your instincts are always spot on. She's your daughter, ofcourse you love her; it probably kills you that she is doing this. My thoughts are with you. Hopefully she wakes up to real life before reality shakes her really hard. It sounds as if she needs some serious counseling.

ifweallknew
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 11:56 AM

I couldn't agree with you more on the counseling. It's just to get her to be honest with them and with herself. How can I do that? Im not sure I can. Ive talked to her, Ive emailed her and Ive even went so far as to sleeping with her to assure that she is okay. I just don't know anymore. 

ifweallknew
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:00 PM

ifweallknew
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:00 PM

That is my daughter! 

PrettyLady80253
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 12:29 PM

I have never been through this though I have watched a very dear friend do the thngs your daughter is doing. she has scars on her body from hurting herself. You can't give up on your daughter no matter what pains she may cause you.I know that it is hard, but I asked my friend (we grew up like sisters) why she does these things to herself and she told me she didn't know but it makes her feel better. It makes no sense to anyone but that person. instead of a doctor try finding some one like her some times they can give each other strength and understanding that no one else can

 

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