Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

21 year old Step Son

Posted by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 4:42 PM
  • 12 Replies

 

I married my husband 11 years ago he had custody of  10 and 14 year boys. Mom has not been involved much in their lives except when she wants to be. 

The 21 year has an apartment and goes to college fulltime and works parttime overall not a bad kid. However, he has no respect for me and talks horribly to me.  We have moved from the home we raised them in to our current home I told him that things were going to be different that when he comes to visit that he would have to pick upafter himself, wash his hands before he got into food, don't dig into things that don't belong to him etc. My husband always felt sorry for his boys, because of lack of mother and didn't make them do much around our home, now that we have moved I want things to be different.  So this guy is pissed at me telling me how horrible I have been to him, because I want to act civil and respect me and my home when he is here? Ive gotten where if he calls me I ignore the call and then he will text me to answer the damn phone....We had a big aregument a week ago and he threaten me, my husband called him and told him to stay away. I hate that this has happen at Christmas time, however it needs to change. The first thing is my husband has to talk to him. Any other advice out there?

 

 

 

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 4:42 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
caro100
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 4:50 PM
1 mom liked this

That's what I was going to ask you, Where's Dad in all this.  Your SS should never have been allowed to talk that way to you from day one.  SS is angry that you were there and his birthmother wasn't, but that's no excuse.  I can't believe you have put up with that for 11 years.  Quite frankly, this is a pattern and I really doubt, much will change.  You do have the right to your rules, and your husband should have supported you and demanded his sons treat you with civilty and courtesy, especially since Mom was not in picture much.  I would just suck it up, since you've been doing it for 11 years.  Doubt your hubs will back you, but he should, you have my sympathy.

frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 4:52 PM

Husband should have set boundaries and the high standard of respect for the adults in household starting when the boys were teens and preteens.  I have house rules here that all people must follow and 2 are adult sons of my guys.  They lived with their mom all their life but she never set down any rules.   One comes here and can follow the rules fine,  the other just doesnt come over since he can not behave himself in an appropriate manner. 

Maybe for your family a session or 2 in family counseling as adults will help understand why he doesnt feel you get respect after all that has been done for him.

atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 4:55 PM
He is an adult and needs to learn respect. He should have before now.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
gblossom
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:04 PM

Awful to hear especially with the holidays right around the corner. Of course his behavior is out of line and I am sure since you have dealt with it so long he feels he is able to still continue acting as he has for years. As an adult he should act with kindness and respect - to everyone, including you. His lack of mothering from his own mother has probably made him resentful and there isn't much anyone but himself can do about that.  It's to bad that it took him threatening you for your husband to say something - but at least he has stuck up for you now. Your requests of your SS are not unbelievable and I am sure you have those ground rules for anyone who comes into your home. <3 Stay positive and hopefully your SS will grow up and you, your husband and SS will have a healthy and stable relationship!

Ann7667
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:13 PM

 

The 14 year old is now 26 and married (not too many probs with him). This just started a couple of years ago and I agree with you he's mad, because Mom has not been there for him much so he is beating me up over it.

Jessy76
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:15 PM

Sounds honestly like your hubby owes you a big apology for allowing the child to treat you this way. Why would he say the boys lacked a mother? If you have been with him for 11 yrs then the boys had a mother figure but it sounds like you either weren't allowed to be or didn't want to be in that role. You can't start trying to be in that role now 11 yrs after the fact. Your hubby needs to lay down the law and let this young man know that he will treat your home and you with respect or he wont be allowed in it. At 21 he is old enough to understand that you are NOT the enemy and you are not his to boss around anymore. I wouldn't answer any phone calls from him or text until after your hubby has an adult conversation with him and the son has issued a true and honest apology. I am sorry you are going through this. I have a friend dealing with the same thing and it kills me to watch these kids walk on her simply because their dad can't stand up to them.

Us Step-Moms put up with a lot of CRAP we probably shouldn't simply because we LOVE our families!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

godsgirl26
by Silver Member on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:16 PM


Quoting atlmom2:

He is an adult and needs to learn respect. He should have before now.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Ann7667
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:29 PM

Hubby has started 2nd career and has been totally immersed in that. So when I push this kid to call Dad, he doesn't want to, cause DAD is busy. However, Dad will call you or text you back. Over the years I wasn't trying to be MOM, as these 2 guys have an older brother that is all about MOM even though she wasn't very good to him either.  I was just trying to be a friend....Also, when Dads around he acts different.

LaceNBklyn
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 5:34 PM
I think that at 21 you should take the relationship for what is is, everyone is different and he probably will never warm up the the fact that his mom is not around. That probably makes him hate you more that you're his step mom and act like his mother. Althought I feel the last thing that needs to happen is him also losing his father because his father is trying to protect you. That will only make things worse.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Lunatic6997
by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 6:36 PM


Quoting atlmom2:

He is an adult and needs to learn respect. He should have before now.

I'm so sorry your going through this. I too am in the same situation and unfortunately we can't go back and correct our mistakes! 

My husband and I are estranged from SS, sDIL and gkids bc of disrespect.  I told ss when he is ready to accept responsibilitity for his behavior, I am here to listen, until then, it's best if we don't talk. It's unfortunate bc we miss our gkids desperately. I hope things work out for you for the holidays! Hugs!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)