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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Need Advice :(

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:18 AM
  • 11 Replies

My son is going to be 3 in February. I lost my father last May and my dad and son were very close. They had a bond that was very strong because my son saw him everyday since he was brn. My son for the last couple of months have been asking to fly to the sky because he wants to see poppa, and everytime he says that I try to explain that poppa is too far for us to fly away to see him. He then asks is it cause he's ( my son ) was bad. I try without crying to explain to him its not because he was bad at all that poppa is just in a better place and when the time is right he will see his poppa. He is asking at least tice a week and it honestly hurts everytime he asks for him. I dont know how to explain it to him anymore, and I hav been just been hoping he would have stopped asking by now. I know this may sound wrong in a way but I have not actually took the time to grieve myself. My father was the only parent I had growing up, and losing him has not been easy but i just keep it all in because I dont want my son to see me hurting. Now I am getting married in October and its starting to hit me more knowing that my dad cant walk me down the aisle and anytime I try to bring up my dad to my fiance, my son will hear me even when I think he is too focused on a show or playing with his toys. So I dont bring it up unless my son is sleeping. I just dont know what to tell my son anymore especially being so young. I dont want him to keep saying its because hes bad and I also dont want my son to fel the hurt. I know this may not all mak sense. I am just all confusd myself and going through alot of emotions right now. Christmas was hard as well because my son asked where poppa is because he is used to opening presents with his poppa even on his birthday :s Anyone have advice on how I can explain it better to my son. People have suggested Therepy but I feel my son is way too young for it and dont need it at that age. PLEASE NO BASHING 


by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
supermomz25
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:23 AM
1 mom liked this

I would talk to your pediatrician, doctors sometimes seem to know about these things. and in the mean time just tell your son that his poppa is watching over him and that he can still talk to him even though he can't see his poppa anymore.

DaniandTom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:21 PM

I'm so sorry! That has got to be so hard on you and your son. At 3 years, he's way too young to fully understand why he can't see his "poppa" anymore. Unfortunately, I don't know that you're going to be able to make him understand. You're doing right in reassuring him that it wasn't because of him. Kids that age think everything is about them and a direct result of them and their behavior. Let him know that you miss him too and wish that he was here but he can't be right now. There are some books you can probably get at the library about talking to kids about death. I'd grab one of those and see what they recommend. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and that you no longer have your father. ♥Hugs♥

Bianca008
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:27 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry for your loss. There are children's books you can get to help explain it. My suggestion is, consider having your son walk you down the isle and take Poppa's place of honor.

Dqnana
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:32 PM

Maria Schriver wrote a very nice children's book about the loss of a grandparent and how to explain it to her children. I am sure any librarian can help you find it. 

mcarsel89
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:39 PM

This is such a sweet idea!

Quoting Bianca008:

I'm sorry for your loss. There are children's books you can get to help explain it. My suggestion is, consider having your son walk you down the isle and take Poppa's place of honor.


mcarsel89
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:47 PM
1 mom liked this

Personally (and a lot of moms may disagree with me) I would explain to him about death. That is what helped me finally understand as a child. I was taken to their grave and allowed to talk to them as much as I wanted. It was understood they could heae me but I couldn't hear them. I feel I needed that closure. I would encourage your son to "talk" to his poppa and tell him about his day and what is going on in his life. Your son might just need that closure like I did. I think it would be beneficial for you both to grieve together. He needs to be shown how to properly grieve the loss, even at 3. I think it will hurt him more thinking there is a chance he will see his poppa again in the lifetime. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Maybe seeing a therapist together would help?

Kellyjude1
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 3:55 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. My dad passed in July, and my son is 7 years old. My parents were his sole caregivers while I was at work, so losing poppy has been so hard. My son till this day will cry sometimes at night that he misses his poppy. I hug my son and let him know its okay to miss him because you loved him so very much. I try to keep a positive memory of my dad telling stories of the two of them having fun. My son remembers and laughs. I tell him poppy is in Heaven with God and is watching over you always. Poppy may be gone but he is always within your heart. This Christmas we had the grandchildren send white balloons to Heaven for poppy they got to decorate and write messages to poppy, it was so beautiful to watch. I think this helped emotionally to get out their feelings. I am so sorry for what your son must be going through especially at 3 years old. Please continue to assure him poppy is okay. Clearly your son's love for him is unbelievable. I think asking questions and asking for his poppy is only natural. I am not sure about him needing therapy or not. Just continue to be there for him and support him with all and any questions he may have. I also allowed my son to keep a scrapbook with pictures of the two of them together. I think you are doing all you can for your son.
AM-BRAT
by Amber on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:38 PM

:)

Quoting Bianca008:

I'm sorry for your loss. There are children's books you can get to help explain it. My suggestion is, consider having your son walk you down the isle and take Poppa's place of honor.


mommabear23290
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 7:52 PM

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice. I am going to go to the library this week to see if I can find a book to help me explain it better to him :) You guys are awsome

143myboys9496
by Bronze Member on Dec. 31, 2012 at 4:14 AM

 Have you tried telling him that poppa's body wasn't working anymore. And when poppa died he went to live in the sky. The sky are a better place, poppa's happy there, and can see you every day. ( if you think that last part will freak him out, omit it). But that as much as you want poppa to come back, he can't. But offer to send a balloon up in the sky in your 3yo's favorite color and write "love you poppa" (gently..lol)..and have him let it go.

I've always referred to God and heaven. If you believe in a higher power you could try that avenue, if not just keep saying the same thing..imho..if you change the story it confuses him.

Oh-you could also tell him that the sky is where other people who's bodies weren't working anymore go when they can't be here on Earth.

As a nurse, when my boys were little, I was honest with them, but in very simple terms. My mil's father was in a CCU after having involved lung surgery I brought the boys in, they were 6 and 4. I explained what they'd see, really simply. Neither of them were scared. To this day my mil credits hearing my boys' voices with him waking up.

Would it hurt him to see you grieve? It's not healthy for you to hold in grief of that magnitude.

I hope things get better for you.

(((hugs)))

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