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troubled 14 year old daughter-> Really need advise****

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so..where to begin.  I have been a single mom for all of her life and I have done the best that I can do doing it alone.  My daughter has always been defiant and very bull headed but when she turned 13 shit hit the fan.  she is rude, disrespectful, argumentative, violent.. I had the cops at my house a year ago because she was hitting me and then again this year I had to call crisis intervention and had two counselors at my house the same day because I discovered she was cutting.  The cutting she claims is because she has been bullied at school, which I thought I had dealt with but the school was not helpful so she is not home schooled...this isn't working either, now she isn't doing her online school work and is failing most of her classes...I found an article on ODD (oppositional deficiency disorder)  it fit her to a "T"...  Im at a loss for what to do for her...Im scared for her...I looked into boarding schools for her but those are way beyond what I can afford.  Oh and by the way, I did have her to a counselor but she wont go back and I cant drag a 14 year old to an appointment.  I just need advise or at least someone who has gone through this or similar situations...what did you do?  How do you help a teenager who wont help themselves?  

by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:13 PM
Replies (11-20):
karies2kids
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:28 PM

I wont give up on her, I am just really wondering if a short stay at a boarding school for troubled teens would help or hurt her more.  She has abandoment issues to top it off so I cant turn my back on her too... although in a reasonable persons mind getting her the help she needs isnt abandoning her but in her mind it might seem that way.

pinkjimmies06
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 4:28 PM
Well then you give her two options - go to a therapist or have her committed to a hospital for inpatient therapy.

Quoting karies2kids:

I cant get her to go...I have had to cancel multiple appt's.  

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Kellyjude1
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:07 PM

Talk to her doctor about her behavior.  Have you tried a behavioral specialist?  Not sure if any of this would help, but it may be worth a try.  Another suggestion is open communication which is key.  Sit down and talk to her about everything let her know your feelings that you love her and only want what is best for her. She needs to trust and feel comfortable with you enough to open up and let out her feelings and emotions.  Let her know you are not giving in or up that she means too much to you.   I can oly imagine your frustration.  Honestly its sad because if I were in your position I don't know what I would do either.  You say she has abandonment issues have these issues been addressed?  If she is so violent and has such anger it has to stem from some place within.  Cutting or hurting herself may be another cry for help trying to deal with the emotional pain or seeking attention.  Keep looking for help try the internet for violent teens some kind of support group which may give you some advice.  Check your state yellow pages for places where you may be able to seek some help. If she is not willing to go then you need to find some help and support for yourself in order to handle this better.  My heart goes out to you...Please keep us all posted. 

kblpooh
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:48 PM
Does your local mental health agency have community based program, where a clinician or case manager can come to your home? That could eliminate your struggle to get her to the office. Are there any groups called DBT or dialectical behavior therapy? That would be great to get her into. It's designed to help people who cut etc. Have you talked to the school about resources they have?
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kblpooh
by Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:54 PM
I would be careful about making this type of threat due to the fact that she may not be able to follow through. Getting someone hospitalized is hard to do in some states. They have to meet criteria etc. I live in Vt and work for a mental health agency and my job is to work with teams around how to support a child in the community vs going to hospital and residential. It is hard for someone to meet the criteria.


Quoting pinkjimmies06:

Well then you give her two options - go to a therapist or have her committed to a hospital for outpatient therapy.



Quoting karies2kids:

I cant get her to go...I have had to cancel multiple appt's.  


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geesmom1
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:20 PM

Your school district should have a social worker who is obligated to help. Since you can't get your daughter to go to therapy, the social worker should come to your house and make an evaluation of the situation. If the social worker thinks the situation needs hospitalization - you can sign papers having you 14 year old admitted. I wish you luck. Please keep us posted.

angie2568
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:30 PM

 If you don't want to put her in the local hospital in one of their "in-house" programs, do boot camp at home yourself. *For the appts dont tell her where you are going just take her - if your insurance allows it do inhome therapy and behavior treatments (you will have to do research in the town/city you live in for these programs). I have a 14 yr old daughter myself, I know how you feel about the rude and disrespectful attitude.

Good Luck (keep us posted)

hollydaze1974
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:54 PM
Don't tell her where you all are going and for heaven's sake... Don't give her a choice. You are the mother, keep the control you still have.
She may have a number of issues, but she still needs you to make her health decisions for her. Whether it's a therapist or out patient, IN patient.... Her abandonment issue she may have isn't going to get worse.... Talk therapy, meds, that you will have to watch her take, or whatever other psychiatric tools will help and you can't expect a quick, miracle cure... It may take awhile, but you'll see a difference. The next challenge will be to make sure she stays on any medications ( that work) a common issue with people with psychiatric issues is once they feel a lil better. They stop taking the meds because they don't correlate the feeling better with the meds.
I'm not an expert on what you feel is her issues are but as a person whose mental illness manifested as a teen, I do feel qualified to say if my parents hadn't jumped on it when they did, as well as explain it like a chronic physically illness... Diabetes, for instance.... If you don't feel sick that day, you still test your blood sugar a couple of times a day and take insulin so you don't have a seizure when you are by yourself and noone to help you.

I'm just saying, as someone with an MI, get her help before it is no longer your choice because she is too old for you to make her health choices for her.

This is your test....the any parent test.... Will you help her before she ages out of your care?

Good luck, i feel for you, my parents went through it... I may very well go through it... Be MOM, stay strong, and know you don't require HER permission to help find peace for her.

Quoting pinkjimmies06:

Well then you give her two options - go to a therapist or have her committed to a hospital for outpatient therapy.



Quoting karies2kids:

I cant get her to go...I have had to cancel multiple appt's.  

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wishbearmom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:55 PM

I had a friend do this. She was a single mom doing the best she could. This made a very short-term impression. The daughter eventually dropped out of school, got pregnant (following in her mom's footsteps). She had a  strict mom and hands-on grandma, but her strong will ultimately won out. I wish I had better advice. I'm sorry I don't.

Quoting terpmama:

Strip her privileges and room... Do boot camp yourself 


geesmom1
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 7:00 PM

Your public school district should have a certified Social Worker who is trained to work with situations like this. Since you have a difficult time getting your daughter to go to counseling, the Social Worker will come to your house. Once the social worker makes an evaluation of the situation, you will have a better idea of what to do. When we had issues with our son, the social worker recommended that he be seen in the hospital. It was hard but he got the help he needed. they were able to provide counseling for him and determine what medications and dosages he needed. Good luck to you. Please keep us informed of your daughter's progress.

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