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7 year old accusing other children of touching them inappropriately, long but need advice

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 1:41 PM
  • 5 Replies

I have two children boy age 4, girl age 10.  We have moved in with my boyfriend about 2 months ago.  He has a boy age 7.  The 7 year old is used to being the only child, and the center of dad's attention.  I really think this is where these accusations are coming from.  Here is what is going on.

A few nights ago the boys were playing on the computer together, the 7 year old came and told us that the 4 year old touched his butt.  I called them in and told the 4 year old not to touch the other's butt again.  About 5 minutes later the 7 year old came and said he did it again.  Well dad blew up, saying that the 4 year old was inapproprately touching the 7 year old.  Big argument resulted, it was behind closed doors but I know the children still overheard.  I tried explaining that the 4 year old didn't do it in a sexual way, and probably only did it the second time because of the reaction he got from the older one the first time.  I then brought in my 4 year old and explained to him about inapproprate touching and his private areas.  I really never had the conversation with him before.

The next night I was watching the children, also my 10 year old was with them too.  The children were walking down the hall into the kitchen one behind the other but pretty far apart, in this order 7, 4, 10.  I was watching them come into the kitchen where I was.  As soon as the 7 year old got to the kitchen he said to the 4 year old, "stop touching my butt."  I as well as my 10 year old were watching and there was no possible way that the 4 year old touched him.  When I told the 7 year old that I was watching and 4 year old didn't touch him he said, 'no he didn't touch him but he thought he might have."  I explained to him about the seriousness of those kind of accusations.  And his dad and I want him to come to us if someone does touch him, but he can't make these things up.  A little while later, the same night the children were playing in one of their rooms.  My 10 year old came to me and told me that the 7 year old claimed she touched his butt, but she didn't.  I made them all go to dad and tell him, because it was the second time that he falsely accused them.  Dad talked to him privately, I don't know the conversation.

Today, the 18 year old brother of the 7 year old, the 7 year old, and 4 year old were wrestling around, throwing each other around, tackling each other.  The 7 year old came and told me that the 4 year old touched his butt.  I shut down all the playing.  The 18 year old was right there in the mix, he says nothing inapproprate happened.  If 7 year old's butt was touched it was an accident because they were all wrestling.  

I don't know what to do with this.  The first night my 4 year old was pretty much accused of being a pervert even though he knows NOTHING what so ever about sex.  Now I see the 7 year old falsely accusing both of the others.  I think he is doing it to get attention from his dad.  Also he overheard his dad and I arguing and may think this is a way to drive a wedge and get his dad back to himself.  I really don't know what to do.   I understand that dad is going to protect his child at all costs, but at the same time I am not going to have my child accused of things he is not doing, or labeled as having a problem that he doesn't have.  Everyone is supposed to sit down tonight and talk about this but I really don't know where to go with the conversation.  I want the 7 year old to know that it is ok to come to us if someone touches him inapproprately, but he also has to know that he can't make these accusations up.  


ANY ADVICE IS GREATLY NEEDED!!


Thanks

by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 1:41 PM
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Replies (1-5):
bamababe1975
by Gold Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:42 PM

 That's a tough situation to be in but it sounds like you both need to have a talk with him about lying. Keep it simple and let him know that lying can get him into trouble as well as other people. Explain about telling the truth and that it's always best to tell the truth even if he thinks doing so would get him into trouble. Whenever he tells the truth and you know it's the truth, make a big deal out of it and reward him for telling the truth and being honest with you guys. If he lies, set out a punishment for that and enforce it each and every time, but be sure to give him MORE attention for his GOOD behaviors than for his bad ones so that if he's truly craving attention, he'll start behaving well for that positive attention rather than acting out for negative attention. Also, it may be a good idea for your husband and you to each spend some one on one time alone with him doing fun things, even if it's something as simple as a quick trip to the corner store.



ceciliam
by Cecilia on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:55 PM

Sounds like he is saying this because he is getting such a reaction out of you and your husband. I would totally go in the opposite direction, and ignore the behavior, and let him know that you will now be forced to not believe anything he says. Good luck.

DaniandTom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:01 PM

I think you hit the nail on the head. He's doing it because he gets attention and he wants dad all to himself again. He needs to understand the difference between touching and brushing up against or accidentally hitting. He's not being molested for crying out loud! Certainly not by a 4 YEAR OLD! Dad needs to get a grip too and realize that his son is not the only perfect child in the house! Now you have a problem because what he wanted to do--drive a wedge between the two of you--has been done even if it was only temporary. Now he knows he has the power to break you up if he wants to...and he probably wants to! Don't argue about things like this. Discuss it when the kids are asleep or at school or out playing but never when they're awake and certainly never argue about things when they can overhear. When you talk tonight, have a game-plan with your husband. Decide what you want to accomplish during the talk and then do it. Keep emotions out of it and let the kids know what will and will not be accepted in your home. Then stick to it! It will be worth it in the end!

Reina13
by Bronze Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 10:23 AM

I agree with this.



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Quoting DaniandTom:

I think you hit the nail on the head. He's doing it because he gets attention and he wants dad all to himself again. He needs to understand the difference between touching and brushing up against or accidentally hitting. He's not being molested for crying out loud! Certainly not by a 4 YEAR OLD! Dad needs to get a grip too and realize that his son is not the only perfect child in the house! Now you have a problem because what he wanted to do--drive a wedge between the two of you--has been done even if it was only temporary. Now he knows he has the power to break you up if he wants to...and he probably wants to! Don't argue about things like this. Discuss it when the kids are asleep or at school or out playing but never when they're awake and certainly never argue about things when they can overhear. When you talk tonight, have a game-plan with your husband. Decide what you want to accomplish during the talk and then do it. Keep emotions out of it and let the kids know what will and will not be accepted in your home. Then stick to it! It will be worth it in the end!


Nikkijr
by Member on Jan. 5, 2013 at 11:04 AM
I agree

Quoting ceciliam:

Sounds like he is saying this because he is getting such a reaction out of you and your husband. I would totally go in the opposite direction, and ignore the behavior, and let him know that you will now be forced to not believe anything he says. Good luck.

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