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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Birth Dad wants in after 9 years! (No contact in 7.5 yr) Plz help!!

ok so a little background...

I had my daughter very young. The father was a bit older than myself, and should have been more mature. Not the case. We stayed together until my daughter was 3 and I broke it off. I had matured and grown up a bit and realized that working fast food and watching him play Playststion was NOT how I Wanted to spend my life, I had goals.

He was a needy man, the type that was seriously emotionally unbalanced. I didn't realize this at the time, as i do now. But when I left him, he became unstable for sometime. Time went by, and we had no contact, after the initial arguements the first few months. I didn't even file for Child support until my daughter was 6. I never received a penny from him, never asked him for anything. Although, he has always lived within driving distance, mostly the same city as me, and my number is still the same. IF he wanted to see her, he knew where to find her. When she got old enough to ask questions, I answered them to the best of my ability. As the questions got harder, so did the answers. I finally broke out an album and explained the best way I knew possible without corrupting her. I had tried contacting him multiple times after this, trying to let him know that I would no longer keep lying for him, that if he didn't want to be her father, I Was going to tell her that. He was with a new woman, who had a child from a previous relationship. He actually filed a restraining order or whatever it is called on me, said I was harassing him ??? lmao. I only called twice before this. So I eventually gave up. When my daughter was 3, I also met a wonderful man, the man I am with today. He had no children and wasn't going to be able to have children. He was married for 10 years and having my daughter was a blessing to him. After a couple years, she started calling him daddy, on her own. I was not going to direct her otherwise, beings that her real daddy wanted nothing to do with her.

My husband has always been there for her like a dad, raised her and supported her right beside me. And she knew he was not her real father, but never bothered asking questions really.

My daughter is now 9. I get a phone call from "Bio dad"s mother lol stating that he was going through some terrible times and needed his daughter in his life!! Apparently his girlfriend had been in an accident and passed away. Now that he is alone and lonely he wants to barge back into my daughters life. She over heard a conversation my husband and I were having and asked me about it. After explaining, she declaired that she DID want to meet her real dad. It hurts my husbands feelings that I would even allow the topic to become a consideration or a conversation after raising her for 6 years and never once seeing her dad try to come into her life, now he wants to be a dad bc he has no one else in his life.


I done know what to do. I am lost. I feel like saying hell no! And at the same time do not want to hurt my daughter, who is old enough to know whats going on, for the most part...

Please ladies, any insight would be great!

by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:24 AM
Replies (11-16):
KailesMommy
by on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:48 AM
Sorry can only put so much in a reply. But you need her to understand that her bio dad made the choice to not be around her or be in her life and now that his girlfriend has passed away he wants to be around her. And no i wouldnt take it with a judge yet and i wouldnt get a lawyer yet. If you do that it could bite you in the rear. Who is to say that this wouldnt be a one or two time deal? Then you get lawyers involved and instead of once or twice you have til she is 18 bc of the law. Good luck.
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bethgoedeken
by Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 10:52 AM

My ex walked out when DD was 8 months. I started dating and eventually married a family friend a month later. My current husband adopted DD this past September when she was almost 4. We will talk about it when she has questions, but I seriously doubt that my ex will want contact with her. When I had to talk to him about the adoption, he didn't even ask how DD was. I don't think he cares. That being said, if she decides that she wants to meet him, we'll let her, but on our terms, and I'm not going to hide the truth from her about him. Maybe you need to do the same.

BrigittesResell
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 9:33 AM

First I wanted to say, Thank you to everyone who posted!! I read each and every comment and have taken them all into consideration, I tried to directly respond to a few, but it didn't end up working right lol, I am new here.

I think everyone is right in a way. I do think she might resent me if I dont let her meet him now that she has a chance. I just hope she understands if he breaks her heart. I explained it to my hubby just like another lady had said on here, that even a child that is adopted at birth will want to meet their birth parents one day. Otherwise, curiousity will get the best of ya. I think he understood a little better then.

About a year ago, we had talked to my ex, bio dad, sperm donor, about signing away all rights and allowing my hubby to adopt her, he was ready to sign the paper that day. We are still working on getting that taken care of. I just do not understand it, how a parent could just not care. I let my 22 month old go to my moms for a day and later in the evening I was already like, if u want to send him home, you can! lol even though  I had not had a break since he was born! lol I just dont get it. People like that have to seriously be un-attached completely.

So I guess well be arranging something, maybe at home since that is where she is most comfortable. I have a feeling that after this, that his contact with her will seace to exist. but, if I dont let her meet him now, it may never happen. So thank you for the advice everyone, I will update after he meets her and let you all know how it went!!!

Thanks so much mamas, keep giving good advice!

Aubreys_mommie
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 9:40 AM

i would sit your  daughter down and explain things to her the best you can to a 9 year old.. try not to have any anger or anything like that in your tone.. but then explain to her why you do not feel its a good idea right now.. and see where that gets you.. she may side with you.. or she may just have her mind made up.. sometimes we have to find  out for ourselves.. my bio father was absent from my life and when i was around 14 i went and moved out of state to live with him! because my mother didnt let me see him any other time.. i learned for myself; the hard way... what an asshole that man really is.. and was far better off with my mother... so i wish you the best of luck !!! 

Aubreys_mommie
by on Jan. 9, 2013 at 9:40 AM

BUMP!

lavagirl27
by on Jan. 13, 2013 at 9:32 AM

I think you should allow the daughter to meet him under your supervision he should not be allowed to go anywhere with your daughter alone, he was not there when she needed him those 6 years he can not expect to come in and be her father, being a father not only has to do with DNA but with love and care he has done neither of these things and the way he treated you by getting a restraining order he deserves everything he gets, but as your daughter understands what is happening let her meet him she might have questions for him or something after that meeting then you will know how to handle anything else. As for your husband,I understand that he has been her father in every way for those 6 years. but he also needs to understand that your daughter has a right to know about her bio father, he may feel hurt but he needs to realise that she will always see him as her dad because he has been there for her. 

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