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Having trouble moving on. Being both parents is getting harder.

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:30 PM
  • 13 Replies

It was only a year ago now that I came on this site asking for help with the courage to leave an abusive realtionship I was in for 7+ years. Now that my son and I are free, we moved around some, I have 3 jobs to support us. Im not complaining, im gratefull for the jobs and the chance to start over. We got away from him in April 2012. At first I was strong and powerful, a rock of positive emotion for my son and myself. I even tried going on a few dates last month thinking I was ready to move forward. I was so wrong, I had flashbacks of being choked, and the poor guy was just trying to get a hair away from my face and I broke down in tears afraid he would hit me. I was so together untill then. I put my son and I thru therapy. And anyother time im fine. I can joke with guys, flirt even, but the moment I know they like me i panic. And now my son is hitting puberty! Hes emotional and angry more, and asked me lastnight if he would ever have a real Dad. Hes never had that, his birth father gave him up when he was 3, and the man i left in April denied him as a son. Im so lost, Ive been praying for guidence and strength. I have no friends here, just want to cry all the time. Why am i so broken? Tell me someone has made it past this. Please i need a light to follow to get me out of this tunnel.

 

by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
aurora.dove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:38 PM
Oh wow :-( I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I've never been in an abusive relationship so can't offer any advice but I would be glad to listen if you need to talk. I think it may just take some time, its not even been a year since you left, and you were there for 7 years being abused, it's probably going to take more than a year to get past 7 years of horror. Always remember that no matter what, you did what was best for you and your son! you are both safe now, the rest will work itself out over time. Just be there for your son as much as you can, let him know you love him and want more than anything for him to have a father but getting over trauma doesn't happen over night, and neither does finding someone and falling in love. explain it's better to take your time so that you don't end up in another abusive situation.
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greenstone101
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:52 PM

Thank you, its just getting harder to put on the positive 'happy" face. I dont want to fake a happy face, i did that for too long. Im grateful that my son and i have a very close relationship, we tell eachother everything (in reason). My focus is getting us a new home this next year for our own, not dating, but I worry who's gona want me after all this. I have scars all over from surgeries and knife holes. I dont know how to be anything but a wife and Mom. I dont sleep anymore. Ive always been the onlyone constant and there for my son, but its getting so much harder now that hes changing with puberty. He needs a man to be around. I have him in sports, hope thats enough for now.

juniebug11
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:56 PM
I'm so sorry, I've never been in your position but through most break ups it's takes time. It's always harder before it gets better . You can do this !
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cjsmom1
by Silver Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:58 PM
The best thing you could do for your son was get out of that situation. You taught your son that it's not ok to be treated that way. I think you still need time to heal. As far as your son are there any men in your life who may be willing to be a mentor for him?
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caro100
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:01 PM
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HI.  My name is Carol, I am 52 years old and I think you needs a Mama's hugs.  You did the right thing..  Puberty is a real bummer for any parent, even the lucky ones that have 2 parents that are united.  Puberty is a timeof trying out new things.  Don't try dating right now.  Go to your local health department they can point you in the direction of some counselling.  You need to figure out why you were attracted to an abuser so that you don't do it in the future.  It can be lonely.  Also see if there is a chapter of big brother in your area.  Also getting with a church can help.  You can even ask the pastor if he knows of anyone willing to mentor a young man while he's growing up.  Good luck and keep coming here.  We're all in this together.good

Sweet_Carol_126
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:09 PM

I hope you tell the guy who was removing your hair from your face the reason you reacted as you did.

You can make it past this.  Itis not easy to be a single parent but your son is getting to the age that he can be a help to you.  Your son has had a hard time too and I hope he has a grandfather in his life or someone who treats him well and can be a male figure and role model.  He might do well in scouts as they do a lot of things with just the guys.  You need to take time in dating as you don't want to repeat the mistake.  Did you learn signs about a guy who is controlling so you can avoid them?  There is a teenage thing about dating that a father put on called

http://www.jenniferann.org/

and it helps teenagers get through the abusive boyfriend thing.  The grandmother who put it on the web had a granddaughter who was killed breaking up from an abusive guy.  I think I'll go there to see what tips it has as there are many people I'd like to give them to.  If he invites you to a movie, asks where you want to go and then overrules you all the time, that can be a sign that he is controlling.  Anyone who is jealous is someone to stay away from.  Check into the signs even if you have to go to the library and get a book. Ask the reference desk person to help you find a book.  You need to realize that you are valuable as a person.  You are a Child of God.  If someone slaps you, slap them back or walk away and never see them again.  If they grab your arm and aren't saving you from stepping in front of a car or dropping into a hole, don't see them again.  Your husband spent so much time telling you that you were worthless to try to make him feel better that you have heard it so many times and it is still affecting you.  That is why you feel broken because he broke your spirit.  But it is stil there as you left him.  You need to think of the courage that took and know you do have courage and no one will do that to you again.  Be committed to that.  You are better alone than with someone who doesn't value you and tell you how wonderful you are.  Belive that you are a child of God.  You are a princess in the Kingdom of God.  You are worthy of being treated very well.  Accept nothing less.  Your son is a son of a God who loves him, too.  The problem was with the choices that were made in being with those two jerks who didn't value what they had.  Were you reared by an authoritan parent?  That could be part of the problem as your parents may have been controlling or caused you to accept authority too easily so you felt you had to kowtow to your husband.  he took it from there.  There is also a step too much the other way.  I am pretty outspoken and not all men could handle that as I am used to making decisions.  I told my husband that I was not submissive and he laughed and said he didn't think I was.  The tunnel you are in is from the previous negative words that have been spoken to you.  You need to look in the mirror every day and say nice things about yourself to counteract the negativity.  Are you pretty?  Are you beautiful?  If so, tell yourself so.  You are strong, you left him, so tell yourself you are strong.  You are a woman and proud of it. Tell yourself so.  You are working a lot ofjobs so you are self-sufficient.  Tell  yourself that you are. I would suggest that you contact a community college and see if there is federal funding for you to take a few classes.  If so, maybe you could take a class that would help you with a job so you might not need 3 jobs.  You have reared a young man from 3 years old to past puberty so you are a Mom, someone who helps train the future adults.  You need to feel good about yourself and help him feel good about himself by telling him when you are proud of him, tell him when he has made a good decision.  Good luck to you.  Be brave and you will find that there are a lot of lights at the end of the tunnel or you can light up the tunnel yourself with your glow.

 

 

Sweet_Carol_126
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:10 PM

Ah, I looked at  your photo and you are a really lovely woman, even beautiful.  So stand tall and put that head up and smile.  You are a woman in the 21st century, when we have more rights and more power over ourselves that woman has ever had since she left heaven and come to the earth.  You are fortunate to be born in America.  Congratulations. 

eoewan
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 7:12 PM

Hugs to you. With the therapy you and your ds go to, you will get through this. Keep positive and confidant.

frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 7:26 PM
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First you need to continue therapy for yourself and maybe see if you have PTSD due to the violence of ex.   Is there any type of mentor programs that your son could be in for the area you are currently residing?  I think a positive role model would be good for him. Someone who is consistent and a real man who does not hurt others. There may be an abuse victims support group through a local hospital as well so that you dont feel so alone.

AngelicMommy_72
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Without readin Other post, let me just say this comes from the mouth of your son.
My mother left father when I was 7.5. All I can say is you know what the next few years Will be really hard on you. But keep going because one day he'd going to look back and be grateful for everything you sacrificed for him.
My sister who was 3 when I was born, My father Denied her. She had a very hard time throughout her teenage years, I think she struggled with not having a father, But like I told her since and it's better probably not have a father than know that your father to be so evil. She is 33 now, Since about the age of 17 she became very independent, And very successful. Just keep loving him whatever you do don't ever turn your back on him, Especially not for another man.
I wish you all the best good luck, Please feel free to p.m. meIf you ever need to tlk
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