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Dealing with role reversal stay at home dad working mom

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We are lucky really my husband is able t stay home and be with our newborn son. Of course this gender role reversal has its hardships. My husband doesn't seem to be able to multitask like I do so while I am at work the baby is being looked after but no chores (laundry, dinner, cleaning) is being done. When I try to bring this up my husband is just so overwhelmed he gets defensive and feels inadequate. I am working ten hour days when I come home I watch the baby I'm breast feeding so sleeping isn't happening and weekends I'm on baby duty too. Dinners have been either up to me to cook (he can't cook) and I'm exhausted. I just don't know how to make the situation better i am constantly on task work or home and my husband is constantly overwhelmed... Suggestions? 

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:42 AM
Replies (111-117):
by Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 1:59 PM

1.  FIRST RULE OUT:  Don't expect him to do things exactly the way you do it or always WHEN you want it done.   Some of us women seem to have that tendency.  

2. Make out a detailed "chore list" (but use different wording) with 1, 2, 3, etc.  I did this 4 or 5 years ago for stepson & it's the ONLY way I could get him to do simple things.

You might address like, "Honey, I know it's overwhelming at times so thought I'd make a ck list for you" or something of the sort.

3. The "Manhood Thing" is probably kicking in so continue how much you love him, appreciate him and that he's YOUR MAN, how much you admire him for being SAHD...that MOST men wouldn't be secure in themselves to do so.

4.  Laundry:  break it down into small loads, maybe go ahead & separate it for him.  While the baby's napping he could be washing/drying/putting away laundry.

5.  COOKING:  Agree with others, make meals ahead, freeze & use the crock pot.  GET THOSE CROCK POT LINERS THOUGH!

- For marking meals put in plastic tupperware-like containers, use regular masking tape BEFORE you put food in/seal.

- In using zip-locks, label dish, date frozen and use the NAME BRAND zip locks.  And for GOD'S SAKE, hold the bag over sink, shake it,  BEFORE placing in freezer, to ensure it's SEALED PROPERLY .  I made that mistake, ONCE and had seafood gumbo spill all in my freezer.    

- Keep veggies chopped ahead of time, i.e. celery, carrots, have for snacks.  Ditto fruits.

- A lot of times I'll chop bell pepper, onions, celery, freeze them for use later.

6.  TEACHING HUBS HOW TO COOK:  Maybe get together on Sun. afternoon, open up a bottle of wine and you BOTH cook together.  He'll learn just by watching, participating. A lot of my friends learned how to cook this way, as did my Bio Son.  StpS learned a lot as well.  

7. DATE NIGHT: Min. of once a month!  Find someone to baby sit and whether you go out or just get sexy in the bedroom....MAKE THIS TIME FOR EACH OTHER.  

- Take time to get all dolled up, take a bubble bath, whatever.  BUY SOME SEXY LINGERIE!  Frederick's of Hollywood has GREAT prices.

I'm almost 30 years older than you, have learned a bit.  Wish you luck and you hang in there, Lady.

by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 2:03 PM
Im sorry but im a stay at home mom and have had a newborn obviously. My baby also had colic so he was not the most fun to deal with all the time and my husband works offshore four weeks on and four weeks off meaning its just me taking care of things when he is gone. But newbords sleep about 18 hrs a day so in that time frame u can get a lot done. Unless u just sit and watch tv all day and sleep when he is sleeping.
by Member on Jan. 21, 2013 at 3:34 PM

I suggest you kick your husband in his ass.Their is no excuse not to get the chores done.You don't need to hold a new born all day long ,they sleep alot.Your husband is just being lazy.

by on Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:29 PM

The first few weeks after I went back to work I think I ate Ramen every night.  When we first started dating DH didn't even know how to make spaghetti!  Some aren't the healthiest but boxed and frozen dinners are the way to go.  Usually you just have to dump the stuff in the pan and heat it up.  He can surely manage that.

It is very hard to be in that situation, even for us and DH works afternoons but it's only part time.  He acts like he should get an award for doing laundry and dishes, like it's hard, but I appreciate one less thing to do when I get home so I always make sure to tell him that I appreciate it.  Everyone wants to be appreciated.  I told him a few weeks ago that I absolutely HATE cooking for an hour after I get home while very pregnant and entertaining a 3 year old but I do it anyway, so if I'm going to spend an hour cooking the least he could do was spend 5 minutes cleaning up the mess I make.  Putting it like that was like a lightbulb going off.  We all do things we don't want or don't like to do, it's part of being a grown up and running a household.  And unfortunately being a SAHM/D means you are home all of the time and probably will always be expected to do a little more work around the house.  If mine and DH work situations were reversed I would do more around the house.

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:06 AM
1 mom liked this

I am right there with you.  Now my daughter is a toddler but still my husband claims he cannot get any housework done while watching her.  I don't see why they have so much trouble.  Moms do it all the time!  And I told him the other day I feel like I work two jobs because I go to work all day and then come home and cook, take care of the kids, etc. in the evenings and on weekends.  He gets a break when I get home, but my 'break' according to him is when I go to work.

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Definitely set up a routine, show some easy crockpot meals or other things that are easy to cook. The ideas already mentioned are great!! 

With respect to housework, my DH does admit that he doesn't "see" all the things around the house that need to be done so he does appreciate when I make a list or break down the chores by day. When I organize it for him, he is able to pretty much get it all done. Help him figure out his routine by getting him started. :) 

Good luck!!! 

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:16 PM

All I know this is how I felt for the 1st yr staying home with my dd and that is exactly what my husband said...and I was in professional school before that while working and previously in the military. Handling stress is one thing, handling baby is a whole other ball game.  Have you asked him what he thinks he would need to make the situation better?  Is this your first child?

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