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Dealing with role reversal stay at home dad working mom

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We are lucky really my husband is able t stay home and be with our newborn son. Of course this gender role reversal has its hardships. My husband doesn't seem to be able to multitask like I do so while I am at work the baby is being looked after but no chores (laundry, dinner, cleaning) is being done. When I try to bring this up my husband is just so overwhelmed he gets defensive and feels inadequate. I am working ten hour days when I come home I watch the baby I'm breast feeding so sleeping isn't happening and weekends I'm on baby duty too. Dinners have been either up to me to cook (he can't cook) and I'm exhausted. I just don't know how to make the situation better i am constantly on task work or home and my husband is constantly overwhelmed... Suggestions? 

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:42 AM
Replies (41-50):
juniebug11
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:48 PM
For a little while my husband stayed home while I worked ( he couldn't find work) and it was cheaper. I loved it! Because I love to work, and id come home, my daughter would be happy, house clean, dinner ready. I felt like I got a break while at work and when I came home it was so relaxing.

He was and still is a good cook. He cooks a lot of meats. I wish we still did that! But he found work and we moved. So now ill be staying at home, which isn't bad but I enjoyed working. He still cooks though, lol, he has a talent . I'm not that great of a cook, and I do not enjoy it.
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shivasgirl
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:52 PM
1 mom liked this

my dh has been a stay at home dad for 7 years. I went back to work when the twins were 8 weeks old. One thing you will have to reconcile yourself with is that he will do things differently than you do. He will organize, clean and take care of the baby in his own way. He is learning right now with a newborn, just like a new mom would. I always cooked when I came home. All I asked from him was a clean kitchen to start with. The care of the babies was more important to me than if the carpet was swept or the trash was taken out. It will get better, just let him know you appreciate what he is doing and let him enjoy tis time bonding with his son. We really love the way it has worked out in my family

mcrowley22
by New Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:53 PM

Teach him how to use a crock pot. Or you put it on before you leave for work. Help him by putting the laundry in the wash before you leave for work or right before  you go to bed and toss it in the dryer before you leave for work. My DF is watching DS4 two days a week while I work part time. On these days I get the kids ready for school and toss a load in the wash before I leave to take DD6 to her bus stop. If you make dinner 3x a week make extras that can be frozen or heated up quickly. I understand his being overwhelmed and you being exhausted after work. Once you guys establish a schedule that works for both of you it will work out. Good Luck mama :) 


tanishagreene
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:54 PM

Im sorry but thats why roles shouldnt be reversed. Men are not built to be at home. Thats our job. If you want something done a certain way do it yourself

Saphira1207
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:01 PM

Cultures based on judeo-christian and muslim holy books (ie: "Western civilizations") are the only ones that feel this way.  There are dozens of other cultures that prove unequivocally that men are just as capable of caring for the home and family as women.  Including ancient civilizations that existed prior to the rise of the "big 3" religions.


Quoting tanishagreene:

Im sorry but thats why roles shouldnt be reversed. Men are not built to be at home. Thats our job. If you want something done a certain way do it yourself



tanishagreene
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:03 PM

Im not apart of none of those three so I guess you needa research some more religions and civilizations lol

Quoting Saphira1207:

Cultures based on judeo-christian and muslim holy books (ie: "Western civilizations") are the only ones that feel this way.  There are dozens of other cultures that prove unequivocally that men are just as capable of caring for the home and family as women.  Including ancient civilizations that existed prior to the rise of the "big 3" religions.


Quoting tanishagreene:

Im sorry but thats why roles shouldnt be reversed. Men are not built to be at home. Thats our job. If you want something done a certain way do it yourself




ElizabethAnnNB
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:04 PM

He needs to find a job and YOU need to stay home..

stargazerwolf
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:33 PM

My boyfriend started complaining I wasn't doing enough around the house when I first started staying home. He'd get frustrated because parts of the house were still kind of messy. We can't eat all our meals together because he works overnights, but if I didn't make a regular dinner for a night then he'd have no leftovers to take for lunch.

When my baby was a newborn I didn't get much done because I was up every two hours feeding her and tried to get naps in when she napped, but I also have a 4 year old. My boyfriend didn't complain too much over my maternity leave, then I went back to work and started staying home when our baby was 6 months old. Sometimes it's still been hard to get things done between the two kids. I would try to get things done but some days it was just overwhelming to responsible for all the work around the house. When he got irritated enough he would do cleaning, laundry etc. He likes a very clean house.

We even recently had issues because he still wasn't thinking I was doing enough (baby is almost 9 months) and I felt like I wasn't doing too bad. Sometimes a few dishes were left in the sink and I didn't think it was big deal. We had a long talk and I found out we had very different ideas of how often things should be cleaned, such as the toliets. For a man he is very clean and doesn't even like one dish in the sink. I wrote out how often he thinks things need to be cleaned and plan to stick to that. I also wrote each and every chore out so I knew what he expected done.

I honestly never scrubbed floors unless something was spilled, didn't clean toilets often unless they started looking dirty. He expects regular full out cleaning at least once a week and for dishes to be done daily, counters cleaned basically as needed or at least every other day. I also made my self make baby food so we didn't have to buy it and I spend time doing that as well as when I cook meals I make more than enough so he has lunches and I can use some to blend up food for out baby.

So what I'm saying is like some others suggested, talk to him, write out chores and how often they need done, just writing it all out for me helped. With just having one child, even being a newborn some things should still get done, don't be too hard on him, but together writing out everything will help a lot and knowing what you expect of him.

One other note too, being a stay at home parent is a 24/7 job, especially with a newborn. You dont get days off, you always have to take care of every need of the child (or children) and it is tough having to be fully responsible all the time and get everything around the house done. I told my boyfriend that yes there are days that I need "off" I will still take care of the kids of course, but just like with any job I needed to have days I didn't necessarily have to do all the cleaning and everything. Maybe set it up so he can have days off like you and days he is expected to get things done. If he does a little every day it won't build up to a lot.

Write out like "one load of laundry, sink load of dishes (or keep dishes rinsed and put in dishwasher if you have one), wipe counters" for one day and then something different for the next, or just have little things every day and one of the days you both can work on big things. Hope you can get something figured out!

 

sucker4myloves
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:37 PM

Start doing bulk cooking on a day off, make a chore chart and you BOTH take some, but obviously he needs to take things like dishes since he doesn't cook. If he can't do anything at all, he should probably start working instead.

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Liyoness
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:38 PM

Anyone can cook - it's a matter of opening a recipe book. That he chooses not to do so is pure laziness. Chopping up veggies and having a side of dip doesn't exactly take a lot of 'know-how'. Dinner doesn't HAVE to be a big meal. Just having something ready to eat is enough some days.

Buy a baby carrier, tell him to strap the baby on and clean the house.

I understand if everything isn't in pristine condition, but there is no reason he can't tackle a chore each day.

Don't enable the behaviour.

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