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need some advice/opinions regarding ex-wife and kids situations

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Ok here we go...My boyfriend and I were together about 9 years ago and we both fell in love. We broke up and we still saw each other but we were not really seeing anyone else. He ended up having a child with someone and they eventually got married. I did not communicate with him when he moved on and I went on my way. I never felt the same with anyone ever since. 3 years ago, my best friend and his best friend just so happen to run into each other and started talking about me and my boyfriend. I ended up getting a hold of him and we ended up reuniting and go back together. He filed for divorce, I moved in with him as well as my daughter. He now has 2 girls and I have 1 girl. we do not have any children together. I care for his kids the same as i care for mine. When he has the girls (he has them half the week), and if it happens to be me watching the kids for a little while he runs out, his girls will say things like, "my mommy says I don't have to listen to you," or recently its been, "my mommy says I have a rash because of your laundry detergent." I make my own laundry detergent and I have an 11 yr old and she has had allergic reactions, ecsema, and dry skin issues. I have worked in a hospital and been in college and I work in a pharmacy for 5 yrs and I work as an Ortho assistant. I know quite a bit of medical to know the difference between real and bogus. But its almost like the ex-wife says things to the kids to the point of where they say it to make sure it gets to me where they argue because that is what their mother says. She is not the brightest bulb out there, and her own family is not fond of her because she is know to make up stories and lie and can not keep a  story straight. She is also a money hungry and gets a big chunk of change for child support from my boyfriend. She does nothing but down everyone but herself. I take the kids out and buy them clothes and feed them homecooked meals. If i tell them something, they don't believe me, when it is the absolute fact about something, and the kids go "nuh uh!!" and I cant stand that. I never lie to the kids, or my own daughter. and everything I have said I always proved to them, every single one of them. But this ex-wife of his is absolutely disturbing. It's almost like she gets through the kids and when they come to me they say something to me and its very disturbing and upsetting and I feel one day I will blow up at her and its all coming out. What broke my heart was when my daughter came upstairs and told me (on Christmas eve) that his girls came from the mothers house and had nothing for my daughter because their 'mommy doesn't like her." Really? How cold can she be? it really upsets me and I would love to get married but I fear she will go after for more child support when we get married and go after my income too. I have my own to care for with no child support, but I work 2 jobs to give my daughter what she wants and needs, but I feel she would be a person to do that. What do I do? any suggestions?

by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:49 PM
Replies (11-12):
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 1:53 PM

Okay first of all, when you begin to take care of kids from previous relationships you are not the parent to them, you are a new person,  they do not automatically respect you, it takes time and patience. So often adults new to kids expect respect yet show little to none. It is give and take not one way to get respect.

You may need your husband to actually spend the most time with these girls and enforce the rules rather than you.

Second, if the bio mom is bad mouthing you then you might need to do something about that but ONLY if it will benefit the kids in some way, NOT because it upsets you. Also you need to be careful not to badmouth her. Try reading Divorce Poison Richard A. Warshak  to get clear ideas of when it is helpful to the kids and not to speak up.

Third, you and your husband should present a united front. If he won't support you as a surrogate parent, you are going to get no where fast.

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:08 PM

And what are those kids learning from you

  • Women should be petty about things like clothes and laundry detergent
  • Women can't empathize with and support other moms in a difficult situation
  • A Mother Figure sees things from her own point of view, not the child's
  • The woman they love most in the world--and half of their own DNA-- is open to constant scrutiny and criticism in their own home, and they can't do or say anything about it. 
  • Dad somehow just "got it wrong" with their mom but now has the most perfect woman in the world and they should recognize that
  • Love and respect can be demanded by demeaning other people? 
  • Grown women are completely incapable of problem-solving skills, such as if you don't get the clothes back, don't send new clothes over to her house any more. 
  • Dad is not protecting them by stepping up to be the primary parent and not allow the two women to go at each other like this. 

Not sure which is blacker--the pot or the kettle--in this situation, as far as saying mean things about the other woman. You are obviously not a role model in that regard. 

Quoting pll13:

I am not looking to be their #1, I am just looking for respect as a mother figure. They say things that are very hurtful towards me and my daughter that they say, their mother says to them. I teach my child to always be nice to people whether you like them or not. But those kids are also learning to lie and is not right either. My bf does not like some things she does to the kids and brings back to us. She tells people that the kids look like welfare when they come from dads house, yet she taken our nice clothes, never returned it and then its lost and I have lost alot of his kids clothes due to the mom not returning it and doing whatever with it. she brings them over in sizes to small and than she says we make them look like welfare kids?! 

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