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My adult daughter and I are fighting badly! Any advice from parents who've been there?

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:40 AM
  • 34 Replies

I love my daughter so very much. We have never been REALLY close. However, I have tried. Since turning 18 she has turned into more of a nightmare. Not helping around the house, not just not helping, but making mess for me to clean. She has ALWAYS been self centered but the last two years I just cant stand to be around her, neither can her dad. Just before the holidays...we got into a physical fight. She was so disrespectful! She lives in a VERY nice home. Wears nice clothes, has a really nice room and of course all the electronic gadgets too. Dad and I helped her get a nice car. We are paying for college...however for us to afford it ...she has to live at home. She wasted 3,000 of our money and changed her major twice. She is taking as little as possible in college and taking classes that wont apply for her degree. She stays up all hours of the night goofing off. Nobody ever sees her study. She just walks around looking to pick fights with me. She will tell me things...to upset me....yet wont tell or/ask her father. She behaves different around him for the most part. She does work about 20 hours or so a week. She uses this vanacular that just irritates that heck out of me like...she works a 4 hour shift waiting tables. She considers that a full day. She will tell everyone she worked, doubles....which is an 8 hour day. Her grandma thought she was working 16 hour shifts for 3 to 4 days a week the way that Olivia make it sound. I really want her to move out but she wont save money. She makes about $500 plus an $100 allowance from grandma. We have asked her to save just $50 a month and she wont. She has had 5 wrecks in 3 years. She did pay for some of the damage. Im just at my wits end. She thinks we have an unlimited supply of money. She didnt do anything for my birthday last week, while I always lavish good bdays for her. Anyway, I feel like Im used.

UPDATE on 1/21/2013

There have been so many Wonderful posts! Encouraging. One thing I did forget, I was up to snuff on rules and things fell apart as I had a massive stroke. I have SLE. A wretched form of lupus. I have been given 5 to 7 years and that was two years ago. My daughter has taken full advantage of this. Many of you spoke very good advice, some from moms, some from sibs of acting out brothers and sisters, and some from the "once spoiled teen" themselves who admitted that they were brats until they got the "wake up" call. Dad and I have laid down the law. Things have become a bit better...but really until she matures or we kick her out I just dont see the utopia happening. (Well, not utopia but more balanced like it used to be.) Her dad has tried to make her understand why its important not to upset me as it is soooo bad for my health. Not just that...but when Im gone, that will be it. There will not be a time to go back and "Spend time with mom and just do what your supposed to do." It seems to be lost on her. I posted what I did, not to air my dirty laundry but to see if the way that I felt, about kicking her out, stopping the gravy train, and letting her go find her own way.....was the correct thing to do. Wanting to see how others did it too. She is my first born daughter and I just love her soooo much. However, not enough to have disrespect while my husband and I are footing the bill. I am a retird teacher and I worked at one of the roughest schools in my district. I didnt take gump from those teens nor their parents. I have never had a hard time with discipline. However, my illness has taken much of my energy. Thanks so much to everyone!

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
arango
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 4:16 AM
Daing...i thought I'd never find another mama in some what the same situation as i.......

Hi mamaDonya90.... im mama Arango ツ
I totally feel you. I have a 19yr old who also lives at home. Theres so much I'd like to explain about my situation but this reply is just to say hi and if you would like to be friends hit me up :o) seams we got some things in comon when it comes to our girls.... well this site has helped me. Even if just sometimes to vent out to who directly doesn't know me so there's no taking sides just straight advice.... Although some momas don't know what their talking about.....lol j.k. But yae hit me up and good luck mama i hope you get some good advice from some understating mamas.
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AtillaTheHun
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 4:35 AM
6 moms liked this
Stop paying for her school, stop buying her stuff (including cars, electronics etc.) And she will find out very quickly that money doesn't grow on trees. Students who are getting their college financed by their parents often don't see the need to work towards a degree and keep changing their minds, getting mediocre grades, and assume the parents will keep pumping money into their education. She wants to he all grown up? Fine! Let her see what it really is like. The next time she disrespects you, give her a warning. Three strikes and she is out.
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kblpooh
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:09 AM
1 mom liked this
I would have grandma stop giving her an allowance. If she feels bad about it have her put it into an account that your daughter doesn't have access too so it can be saved for her to use towards an apartment. Then give her a deadline of when she needs to move out and stick to it. Also tell her you will only pay for classes that are part of her major and she needs to maintain a certain grade in order for you too continue to pay. Check with the school what grade she needs to get in order for her to pass in her program and use that as your guideline. Don't pay for repeat classes. You could also start charging her rent.
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beadingmom17
by Silver Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:11 AM
2 moms liked this
This! Cut her off completely and let her fall flat on her ass. Some people need the rude awakening. Personally, I would start charging her for rent (and not spend it, but save it and maybe give her the money back when she graduates or gets married).

Quoting AtillaTheHun:

Stop paying for her school, stop buying her stuff (including cars, electronics etc.) And she will find out very quickly that money doesn't grow on trees. Students who are getting their college financed by their parents often don't see the need to work towards a degree and keep changing their minds, getting mediocre grades, and assume the parents will keep pumping money into their education. She wants to he all grown up? Fine! Let her see what it really is like. The next time she disrespects you, give her a warning. Three strikes and she is out.
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Lunatic6997
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:57 AM

Stop the money train! Give her a date to move out...help her pack and let her go!

PinkParadox
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:01 AM
3 moms liked this
This. You don't learn to be an adult until you have to take care of yourself. She's being taken care of like a child, therefore she's acting like a child.

Quoting beadingmom17:

This! Cut her off completely and let her fall flat on her ass. Some people need the rude awakening. Personally, I would start charging her for rent (and not spend it, but save it and maybe give her the money back when she graduates or gets married).



Quoting AtillaTheHun:

Stop paying for her school, stop buying her stuff (including cars, electronics etc.) And she will find out very quickly that money doesn't grow on trees. Students who are getting their college financed by their parents often don't see the need to work towards a degree and keep changing their minds, getting mediocre grades, and assume the parents will keep pumping money into their education. She wants to he all grown up? Fine! Let her see what it really is like. The next time she disrespects you, give her a warning. Three strikes and she is out.
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kiriis
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:35 AM
I was like that as a teen. My grandma kicked my ass out. It was a reality check that I needed. It's harsh, but needs to be done.
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atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:57 AM
1 mom liked this
If my dd's ever hit me the cops would be called. Stop paying for everything. Give her a date to move out.
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momof6nokc
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:20 AM
5 moms liked this

I pay for my adult children to attend college with the following stipulations:

Maintain at least a 3.0 GPA

Must graduate in 4 years

Must have a part time job

Must clean around the house ie unload the dishwasher, do your own laundry, help clean up after meals, etc.

2 of my children have followed these rules perfectly. Both have since moved out and into sorority/fraternity houses, which I pay for.  Both are very involved in school activities, moving toward their degrees, making grades. 

2 chose to buck the rules and are both out of our home, pay their own way, pay their own rent, both have full time jobs (plus overtime) to pay their bills.  One has returned to college and one has not.  The one who returned to college just goes part time as that is all she can afford.

Both of these girls were kicked out of my home for failure to abide by the rules.  One had her things put on the porch when she dared raise her voice to me in MY HOME. The other one was simply given a 30 day notice. 

We have a great relationship with all our children.  But 2 chose to do things the hard way and now find themselves being adults long before they had to be. The other two are enjoying a typical college experience including study abroad experiences, trips with friends to out-of-town college football games, etc. 

Your job is to prepare your adult child for the real world, not to be her friend. Are you failing her? It sounds like it.


**Just call me Stuart**

tlcory
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:35 AM

Sounds like my SD, we at one point got her an apartment, paid the first months rent and utilities, (this was still cheaper for us in the long run)  bought her all the stuff to set her up, pots, pans, towels bedding etc. (the apt. Was furnished) moved her in and told her you have one month to come up with money for next months rent and bills, well she ended up getting a roommate and made it work!  You may look into rooms for rent or basement apartments, I think the only way to make them grow up is to push them out of the nest,  she's too comfortable and think you owe it to her since you are the parents.  Tough love Mama! 

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