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Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

My boyfriend is pressuring me to have an abortion.

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Hi. I'm 18 years old and currently 6 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been struggling ever since we found out about a week ago. My family has always been pro-life; that's how I was raised. Even before I got pregnant, I knew that abortion would never be an option for me. My boyfriend completely disagrees, and feels that I am a very selfish person for wanting to keep this child. He says that it is unfair to bring a child into this world when we are not ready to be parents and raise a child. I agree that it is bad timing, and that our situation is not the ideal way to bring a child into this world. My family has been extremely supportive, offering financial support for us (if need be), until we can do it on our own. My boyfriend and I are both working full time and planning on moving out before the baby arrives. My boyfriend says he supports any decision that I make, however, as soon as I told him my decision to keep the baby, he got extremely defensive. I've been called selfish and immature, and there's been extreme tension between us ever since. Ive done everything in my power to be understanding of his feelings, and I've been there for him, but he still thinks I'm making this "all about me". I guess I'm just looking for some support from anyone that might be going through or has been through the same thing. I don't know what to do at this point, I'm trying to stay true to myself but it's hard, especially with the person I love against me, at a time when we need each other the most. Thanks for reading. 

by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:05 PM
Replies (21-30):
Mommy4two
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 9:56 AM
3 moms liked this

tell him to take a flying leap he should have made sure he was better protected.... I'm sorry but sex was made to have children, it feeling good is just a bonus to many people just don't seem to get that concept.... It's YOUR body not his.... Good luck and stick to your guns if that's not what you're wanting you will regret it for the rest of your life... 

atlmom2
by Ruby Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 9:58 AM
1 mom liked this
You both should have thought about this before getting pregnant. No one seems to any longer. Sad.
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cmommy6411
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

If you wanna keep the baby then keep him/her there is no reason why he shouldnt support you. I had my son when I was 19 yes it was hard but we did it and I dont regret one second of it. Besides whose to say hes going to stay with you forever? If anything happens your gonna look back and wonder why you got an abortion and in my opinion hes the one being selfish that baby didnt do anything they didnt ask to be brought into this world.

Chevys_Mommii
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:10 AM
Hey just like all the women here said. Do what you feel is right. I was engaged and got pregnant and he kept pressuring me to get an abortion. I didn't and I am 5 months now. You got to do it for you. What if he leaves you after the abortion or one day later he throws it in your face. You have to wake up to the reality that people can turn at anytime even the ones we love so much. So do what's best for you not what he thinks. Create a support system since your family is there and think thoroughly on moving in with him. Also pray because it isn't easy. And if he doesn't do anything then put his but on child support and be a Good mommy to your child. Hugs and PowerHugs
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ScrChk23
by Amanda on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:17 AM

 My opinion is that you do not need him.  I agree with a PP that he is being selfish.  It sounds like your family is very supportive.  If your boyfriend says "you don't really love me" or " if you love me then you will have an abortion", he is going to be a resentful father and partner.  He will propbably leave, but you will be much better off.  I have not been through this, but I do know some people who have.  More than likely you will regret aborting the child if you do.  Listen to your heart.

ScrChk23
by Amanda on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:20 AM

 Also if you need a place to ventor want comfort, sounds like there are people here to help.  :)

DaniandTom
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:29 AM

First of all, if you're fighting about this, the chances of this relationship being successful and lasting is practically nil. Are you going to go against your beliefs for someone who--in all likelihood--isn't going to be around in a year? You will regret it for the rest of your life if you end this pregnancy and if you do stay together, you will resent him for "forcing" that decision on you. Although he may come around, he will probably resent you for "forcing" him to become a father. Either way, I doubt the relationship will survive.
That being said, he's got to understand that this baby was not "forced" on him because if he didn't want to have a baby it was HIS responsibility to prevent the pregnancy in the first place. Just as if you didn't want to get pregnant, it was YOUR responsibility to prevent it. Obviously neither of you took that responsibility seriously or you wouldn't be in this position. So now you have a baby on the way and life as you know it is about to come to a screeching halt! You have 3 choices here:
1-Go against your beliefs and give in to his demands to have an abortion
2-Go against his desires and have the baby and keep it
3-Go against his desires and have the baby and give it up for adoption
Personally, Although I think you sound like a very mature young woman, I think giving it up might be the best thing for you. You're so young and having a baby complicates things like college and future relationships. Giving the baby up would give a couple who can't have kids the opportunity to have one and give you the opportunity to have the kinds of experiences that someone your age deserves.
If you absolutely cannot even conceive of the idea of giving your baby up for adoption, I strongly recommend that you not abort. That is a decision that should ONLY be left to the mother and with your upbringing, you would resent him for "making" you do that. (I say only left to the mother because IMO no one should be allowed to decide what happens in ANYONE else's body including an unwanted pregnancy termination unless the other person is incapable of making decisions on their own) You're luckier than many in that your family has offered their love and support. You could manage keeping this baby much easier than many women in your situation have done. If I were you, I'd leave him in the dust and let your family embrace your precious new baby and help you care for him/her. You will never regret becoming a mother...you might regret having had a baby so young but never having had a baby. You will regret an abortion. If when the baby comes and you don't fall completely in love with him/her, you can always decide to give the baby to someone else who will. Once you have that abortion, there is no turning back if you change your mind.
I hope that helps. Good luck. ♥Hugs♥ 

IntrepidGirl
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:34 AM

Hi!

I am sure your boyfriend thinks he is being helpful, but the fact is, you guys are now parents.  That will never change, no matter what decision you come to about the baby.  This baby has a right to live.  I became pregnant with my first child before marriage.  We were totally unprepared, immature, selfish and just plain foolish.  Although I was terrified, and felt awful about having sex before marriage, I knew I could never end my baby's life. 

My now hubby of 20 years... and I have 5 beautiful children.  The first one is in college working her butt off because she is going to change the world.  She is amazing, and I can't imagine my life without her.  Whether your boyfriend sticks with you or not,your bond to this baby will always be there.

Life may not always be perfect, but it is very worth living.  Let your family help you and stay true to your convictions.  There are many groups out there that will help you, if you need it.

I am praying for you, and will help you in any way I can if you will send me a message.

:)

 

illinoismommy83
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:39 AM

*hugs* I'm so sorry you are going through this. It IS a time for you to be selfish though. If you abort, will you be happy? Will you look at him the same? If you don't abort will you be happy as he is a jerk to you? It is a lose-lose situation.

Thankfully, jerk boyfriends can either get over it or go away and pay child support. If YOU want the baby then keep the baby. If you don't want the baby then abort the baby. No matter what though, you need to do what is best FOR YOU. Be selfish, this decision is going to change your life the most no matter what you choose.

In 2013 there is SO much help for young, single moms. Your child will make you independent legally so you can get grants for college and go to class online for free in your spare time. It will open doors for you. There is tons of financial help out there to help you get on your feet. 

So make this all about you. Do what you want with your body and your life. 

chrisnmandysmom
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

Ok, I have been in a similar situation. I had to choose as well. I as 15 the first time I got pregnant but lost that baby. I got pregnant again when I was 16. I knew I couldn't have an abortion, I knew how important this baby was and needed to be born. It was REALLY REALLY hard. On top of that, being my "first" pregnancy, I didn't know that I have a problem carrying babies. I was high risk from the beginning. Neverthless I carefully weighed the options, I was terrified to tell my family (I was a sophomore in high school at the time) but with the help of a friend and my school counselor I did. I did everything possible to take good care of myself but I still had a rough time.

I decided to have an open adoption so I could be apart of my baby's life. Kind of like an aunt :-) I knew I was not capable of raising a child at that point in my life - I was still in high school, I basically had no education and no income and NOTHING to prepare myself to raise him. I carefully selected a family who already had a son so he would have an older brother and we met a few times. The big problem was, my boyfriend was involved. 

I found out later that if I had left him out of the decision, he would have no legal say in my choice. But I chose to include him in the adoption process. 

When our son was born, my boyfriend decided he couldn't give him away no matter the circumstances. I had to make another decision - and believe me all I wanted was to run away. I thought seriously about getting dressed and walking out of that hospital and disappearing.

The only thing that kept me there was my baby. None of this was his fault and he NEEDED someone to be his voice.  

I had to choose whether to put him in fostercare (and not with the adoptive parents unfortunately) or bring him home. We had nothing for him except a letter I had written him explaining my decision and his teddy bear that I bought for him. 

I won't candy-coat it, it has been really hard. I did graduate high school and proud to say on time with my class with honors, I also started college the summer he was born (between junior/senior year) and a part time job. Granted, I was never home and he did have to go to daycare so I could accomplish all this, but I was determined if I raised him he was going to be educated therefore I had to educate myself! He grew up constantly hearing "we don't have enough money for that" which I HATED but only in the last 7 years have I been earning enough money to pay for things we couldn't afford when he was younger. (But I also have 2 more children now)

He is now 19 years old and considering becoming a lawyer. He's always had a love of trains. He is the love of my life, my only son. (I have 2 daughters also) He is incredibly intelligent and artistic and a true gentleman. He is a knight in shining armor, which was a goal of mine raising him. He always does the right thing because it's the right thing, never the easy thing. 

As for my relationship with his father - it has been up and down. A veritable roller coaster. We split up and got back together 3 times. We did eventually get married after 15 years, but that was my decision and I wasn't going to be pushed into it just because we had a baby. I never want to divorce so it had to stick. (My parents were divorced, his weren't and they stayed together until his father died just a few months before our son was born)

What I hope you get out of this is that you need to do what's right for you, not anyone else. If your boyfriend is going to be selfish and irresponsible because he's frightened - and that's what it is, he's scared. Scared to be a dad, scared to commit to a relationship (sex is fun but kids are work!) scared to step up and be a man and take responsibility for his actions. Every action has an equal reaction (short version). You can be scared too! It's hard to raise a family! Especially when you're a teenager. I was lucky to have family help me but I had a LOT of friends who didn't and we were all the same age when we got pregnant. 

You may break up with him and potentially never see him again, WHATEVER!!! Your child is NOT responsible for what the two of you did. You have to do what's right for you and your baby. If he doesn't want to be a part of that, that's his problem. 

I wish I could add a baby photo of him but I don't have any electronic copies. I do however have a recent photo when he turned 18. See my photos below of all 3 of my beautiful babies .Do the right thing BECAUSE it's the right thing for YOU. Not the easy thing. You will be able to live with yourself even if it means saying goodbye. 

<<<HUGS TO YOU>>>

Chris_n_Mandy_n_Abby's Mom

   

 



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