My husband and I have four boys ages 2, 8, 9, 11. Yes I know, chaos! I would like to start by saying that I love my husband more than anything in the world, and most of the time I do feel like I am one of the lucky ones to have such a good man in my life. BUT! I have the luxury of being able to work from my home for the most part. I'm able to make my own schedule and have a good amount of flexibility. Thank god that I have such a great boss. However, having four very active boys in my home who are involved in everything, sports, extra curricular activities, etc. then add school, homework, chores, a toddler that's developing a very independent into everything personality, housework, and all of the work that I do have to get done for my job...there are days that even I don't know how I get it all done. With that said, I find a way. The house gets cleaned, bills paid, things are organized, schedules are organized, homework and chores get done, I get my emails sent, phone calls made, projects complete, dogs to groomer, laundry to the cleaner, groceries shopped for, dinner made, baths taken, bed time on time, then all of that gets cleaned up. Now, it doesn't always go smoothly, ok so often it doesn't, and a lot of times I'm very stressed by the end of the day. When my husband comes home from being in his nice quiet office working in peace and quiet all day, I still try to keep my composure when he's completely clueless as to why I'm on edge. I'm fairly certain that in his mind if something doesn't get done, he has a hard time understanding why because according to him my schedule is "flexible" and I have all day to do things. Right. I ignore the ignorant unintentionally insensitive comments, and we go on with our night...most of the time husband still oblivious to many things going on around him. Fast forward to the times when my job does require me to travel. It's not often, but when I have to go, I have to go. I don't dedicate near as much of myself to my career as I should most days because of the never ending mom/wife duties around me, so when my boss needs me to travel, I feel I owe him at least that. My husband tries I think to act supportive...and as guilty as I feel I look forward to the times when I'll get to actually work with NO distractions. UNTIL, the first night I'm away. It's like, sh*t just hits the fan! I call my husband and he's beyond stressed, kids are fighting, nobody is doing what they are supposed to, baby is tearing down the house, homework isn't done, ramen for dinner because there wasn't time to cook, he's exhausted because somehow he truly believes that things are ten times harder, kids are ten times worse, there's ten times more to do when he's doing it. In his mind things are just easier when I have to do it. It's a conspiracy! So by the time I get to talk to my husband, he's short with his words, saying everything BUT actually saying that I shouldn't have gone out of town because me not being there pretty much just put a burden on everybody involved. Then I feel guilty the rest of my trip, wishing I hadn't left, and praying everybody and everything is still in one piece when I return. Husband and I spend the whole week not missing each other, or saying the sweet things on the phone, or even having much conversation at all because he's so beside himself that things are so out of control and upset that he's having to deal with so much. If I say things like, "babe, I understand trust me, I deal with those things every single day" he huffs and thinks that its somehow impossible, and that its only stressful if he's having to do it. No matter how many schedules I lay out, binders of instructions on how to do everything involved in the daily routine, everything is prepared before I leave. It's like he doesn't see any of that, has no clue how much I've done, how much I do, and instead of appreciating me more while I'm gone, and happy for me to come home so we can go back to our own "duties", its more like a "that week was hell, I can't believe you left, this house and kids are out of control, we need to fix that" then just goes on about his calm and quiet work routine. I feel like I'm rambling but I am so beyond sick of feeling this way!!! I don't know how to get him to just at least recognize or see what all I actually do take care of and deal with, rather than him ignore it day in and day out then tell me how impossible our chaos is when he has to deal with it. I do just fine and take pride in how organized I keep things, and then when this happens, I feel like a complete failure from hearing my husband complain about how awful it is. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling guilty for taking the little time I do to focus on my job, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm an awful person for leaving my husband and kids at home for them to completely hate each other and our lives by the time I get back!! I just want to miss my husband again, I just want him to appreciate me a little more, and not make me feel like I've caused burdens all over the place.
on Jan. 22, 2013 at 11:56 AM