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My friend's fiance recently broke up with her, he seems to be playing with her feelings.  He goes from definitely not wanting to make things work, to agreeing to see a marriage counselor, to threatening to kick her out if they can't come to an agreement on custody.

Granted, I only know the situation from her point of view, and she tends to be the "poor me" type, but it seems like he has found someone else, but wants to keep on good terms with her so that he can get back with her later.

HER stance goes from definitely thinking it will work out, to needing to get her shit together to prepare to be split up.  But she hasn't done one damn thing to prepare.

I keep telling her she needs to speak to a lawyer to find out what rights she has, she needs to get temporary assistance, look at apartments, and find a job!  She agrees but never does anything.  I want her relationship to work out, but it doesn't seem realistic.  I'm the only friend she has, so what I say to her is really important, and I'm losing my drive to help since she won't do anything I suggest.  I think she just wants me to tell her it will all work out. I don't want to push her away so she feels like she has no one to confide in...

My question is: Should I just tell her what she wants to hear and let her vent to me, or should I push harder for her to do what she needs to, even though she's not listening?

by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 10:24 PM
Replies (11-11):
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 11:29 AM

They made a contract already, but of course he's the only one with a copy.  He's supposed to "make a copy" for her but it's been a couple days.  She's never been the smartest but I thought she really stepped up and became responsible when she had her son.  I saw such a change in her.  Now she's acting like she's in high school and I'm very disappointed.

Quoting Sweet_Carol_126:

Maybe you should just let her vent to you and listen and you can repeat what she says so she knows you hear her.  Maybe you can say, what do you intend to do?  Or what are you going to do about it?

You are right, she needs to see an attorney to know her rights.  However, she lives there so it is like she is a tenant in a way and he can't just kick her out.  He can tell her to leave and if she does, then he has no hassle.  If she says, no.  Then he is going to have to go to court to put her out. If he lays a hand on her to force her out she can file assault charges.  He could call the police but she can tell them she lives here and she has his baby, too.  She needs to have an agreement on child care and custody.  It is always better for a woman to be married before she has kids.  They then get in trouble and want someone to make it go away and you can't.  Only she can. She put herself in this position and she has to get herself out.  Maybe she just wants to bitch, but she is not taking your advice.  Whatever she does, you can't make her relationship work, only she has any control over that.  Let her vent to you.  If she asks what to do, tell her you already suggested what she should do and that is to see an attorney and find out what her rights are.  She can collect child support money but she better not leave the child with him now as he could lock her out.  She might have to go to court to get back in or get police to get her things.  I don't know if she is on the lease or if he owns the place they live.  If she is on the lease, then both are equally responsible for the lease and before she leaves, she needs to inform the landlord that she is moving out and that the fiance needs to be contacted about renewing the lease or keeping it going.  She is going to have to find her a place to go and to get a job and find someone to help with the child or to find a daycare.  You have told her all that.  Now it is up to her but you can listen and just repeat the things back to her that she says if nothing else.  Good luck.

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