Ok - so I am new to this site. I was looking online for somewhere to write - debated about just writing in word and saving it in some obsecure file - but then I thought that - I actually want someone to hear me. Hear me cry. Hear me yell. Hear me say "I am broken."
I don't actually believe anyone will read this - let alone respond or offer advise. I am hoping no one will critize or tell me how horrible of a parent I am or how selfish I am. I know all of those things - I struggle with them daily. I recoginize the things I am say are mean, and hurtful and down right awful - but its true. and that is why the title is "I'm really struggling today."
I guess when it comes down to it - I just want to say my piece, get it off of my chest and exhale for a minute. It's not going anywhere I know that much. I am trying every day to check myself and put my best foot forward - extend love, and all of that - but right now - I just want to vent.
So - thank you for that.
First off, I am here because today, right now, I hate my life. I hate my current situation. I am married (love being married) I have 2 children (I love them to pieces- 7 y/o and 1 y/o) and one step daughter (whom I hate - I know hate is a strong word - but that is what I am feeling and thinking right now.) She is the oldest. I have been with her father since she was 2 months shy of 4 years old. She is now 12 - 2 months shy of 13. From the very beginning I have tried. 100% tried. I put it all out there for her and I feel like it just gets worse. Every day - worse and worse. I feel like she has ruined my life. She has changed me - for the worse. I hate who I am when I am around her. I hate how I feel when I am around her. When I see her, when I hear her, I hate it. I can't think of one thing that I like about her. I know I am awful. Believe me when I say - as much as I hate her - I hate the fact that I hate her. I hate how my feelings for her and dealing with her hurt me, hurt her, hurt our family. I have prayed about this and been to confession countless times about my feelings and the emotions I harbor for her. I just feel like I am being punished everyday. I feel like a prisoner in my home. I feel like my own children are prisoners too. We are all being held hostage by her. It is slowly eating away at me. I feel like this must be chinese water torture. Every day, drip by drip, eating away at my soul. Truly - eating away at my soul. I don't know how long I can hold it together. How long before I snap, how long before I totally and utterly lose all sense of who I am - who I truly am - before this sickness, this dark and ugly disease swallows me up and I am not longer recognizable to myself, my husband, my friends, and worst of all my 2 children.
I feel beaten. I feel totally helpless. I feel like no one can possibly understand how difficult this is - for me, for us, for all of us.
Since age 5- when she started school - we have run the gambit of counselors, psychologist, doctors, meds, in -school, at home, therapies, diet, sports, yoga, clubs, church, prayer, etc - to help us understand, identify, deal with, and live with her issues. She was diagnosed ADHD and has other forms of mania and ODD. As of last year our last child neurologist told us that what she has is a "special cocktail" that less than 3% of people who are diagnosed with mental illness have - this particular doctor doesn't like to use "labels" but if he did he says we have a nice mix of some hybrid Bi-Polar. The meds we had her on that were suppose to be treating the ADHD were just exasperating some of her anger issues (fun!!) Needless to say that because of her age and the lack of study of meds for bi-polar in young children - he said it would be deterimental to give her any meds until she is at least 16 - due to her developing body and brain. I back my husband and agree to that.
However - it doesn't change that fact that from age 5 to now age almost 13 - we have dealt with manic episodes weekly, sometimes daily, fits that last hours, issues with EVERYTHING - food, clothes, placement of items, any wackadoo thing that she picks all of a sudden becomes a THING! We can't do this - because she will flip, we can't go there and do that because she will flip, we can't be normal because she will find something to flip out about. Sometimes she won't flip and she will latch on to something and get all giddy and crazy about it - laughing all loud and scary like, and won't stop and you know that in a few minutes (about 15 or so - she's gonna rage.)
I feel like I have been dealing with this for so long that there is no recovering from it - I am so broken. I can't deal with the fact that I would have to lock myself in my bedroom with my 1st child - when he was a baby - because she was flipping out and raging. I would have to leave the house in the middle of the night with our baby to get away from her screaming because he would cry out of fear.
Even when things are quite - and she seems "normal" or "fine" - I don't ever want to be around her - because I hate what she has done to us. I hate that my 7 year old finds it normal when his sister is "throwing a fit" I hate that we can't have a dinner without her fllipping out about the food - every single meal there is an issue with food - I kid you not - I absolutely DREAD dinners because we eat together as a family - and we all have to be her audience night after night. I mean I could ramble on about everything - and some of it might seem petty to some - but I feel like an abused animal - constantly being kicked - everyday - without fail - and so when she isn't having a fit, or when she isn't latching on to something and can't let it go, and is acting like a "normal 12 y/o girl" I honestly can't see past all that other junk.
I wish she wasn't in my life. I wish I didn't love her dad and married him. I hate the fact that I feel like I am punishing my children with this horrible life - with a sister who tornments them and is unpredictible and unstable. I feel like it's my fault when they are crying out of fear because their sister is raging in the other room or yelling at dad or breaking doors or screaming "I hate you! I wish you were dead." I hate that this is our normal - our everyday. We homeschooled our son last year but opted for public school this year because we thought he needed to see what "normal" kids could be like. That our home - is not how all kids are.
So yeah - struggling today. struggling to see how all of this makes us better. makes me better. how is this - making me a better me. a better mom, a better wife, a better person? i don't believe it's possible - because I hate me so much right now. Hate who I have become - hate that this ugliness has taken over and I don't believe I can beat it. Hate that I feel like my sons don't get the best of me, are not loved fully because I am so consummed by this disgusting disease.
I pray that tomorrow is better. I pray that everyday.