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I'm really struggling today...

Posted by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:51 PM
  • 47 Replies

Ok - so I am new to this site. I was looking online for somewhere to write - debated about just writing in word and saving it in some obsecure file - but then I thought that - I actually want someone to hear me. Hear me cry. Hear me yell. Hear me say "I am broken."

I don't actually believe anyone will read this - let alone respond or offer advise. I am hoping no one will critize or tell me how horrible of a parent I am or how selfish I am. I know all of those things - I struggle with them daily. I recoginize the things I am say are mean, and hurtful and down right awful - but its true. and that is why the title is "I'm really struggling today."

I guess when it comes down to it - I just want to say my piece, get it off of my chest and exhale for a minute. It's not going anywhere I know that much. I am trying every day to check myself and put my best foot forward - extend love, and all of that - but right now - I just want to vent.

So - thank you for that.

First off, I am here because today, right now, I hate my life. I hate my current situation. I am married (love being married) I have 2 children (I love them to pieces- 7 y/o and 1 y/o) and one step daughter (whom I hate - I know hate is a strong word - but that is what I am feeling and thinking right now.) She is the oldest. I have been with her father since she was 2 months shy of 4 years old. She is now 12 - 2 months shy of 13. From the very beginning I have tried. 100% tried. I put it all out there for her and I feel like it just gets worse. Every day - worse and worse. I feel like she has ruined my life. She has changed me - for the worse. I hate who I am when I am around her. I hate how I feel when I am around her. When I see her, when I hear her, I hate it. I can't think of one thing that I like about her. I know I am awful. Believe me when I say - as much as I hate her - I hate the fact that I hate her. I hate how my feelings for her and dealing with her hurt me, hurt her, hurt our family. I have prayed about this and been to confession countless times about my feelings and the emotions I harbor for her. I just feel like I am being punished everyday. I feel like a prisoner in my home. I feel like my own children are prisoners too. We are all being held hostage by her. It is slowly eating away at me. I feel like this must be chinese water torture. Every day, drip by drip, eating away at my soul. Truly - eating away at my soul. I don't know how long I can hold it together. How long before I snap, how long before I totally and utterly lose all sense of who I am - who I truly am - before this sickness, this dark and ugly disease swallows me up and I am not longer recognizable to myself, my husband, my friends, and worst of all my 2 children.

I feel beaten. I feel totally helpless. I feel like no one can possibly understand how difficult this is - for me, for us, for all of us.

Since age 5- when she started school - we have run the gambit of counselors, psychologist, doctors, meds, in -school, at home, therapies, diet, sports, yoga, clubs, church, prayer, etc - to help us understand, identify, deal with, and live with her issues. She was diagnosed ADHD and has other forms of mania and ODD. As of last year our last child neurologist told us that what she has is a "special cocktail" that less than 3% of people who are diagnosed with mental illness have - this particular doctor doesn't like to use "labels" but if he did he says we have a nice mix of some hybrid Bi-Polar. The meds we had her on that were suppose to be treating the ADHD were just exasperating some of her anger issues (fun!!) Needless to say that because of her age and the lack of study of meds for bi-polar in young children - he said it would be deterimental to give her any meds until she is at least 16 - due to her developing body and brain. I back my husband and agree to that.

However - it doesn't change that fact that from age 5 to now age almost 13 - we have dealt with manic episodes weekly, sometimes daily, fits that last hours, issues with EVERYTHING - food, clothes, placement of items, any wackadoo thing that she picks all of a sudden becomes a THING! We can't do this - because she will flip, we can't go there and do that because she will flip, we can't be normal because she will find something to flip out about. Sometimes she won't flip and she will latch on to something and get all giddy and crazy about it - laughing all loud and scary like, and won't stop and you know that in a few minutes (about 15 or so - she's gonna rage.) 

I feel like I have been dealing with this for so long that there is no recovering from it - I am so broken. I can't deal with the fact that I would have to lock myself in my bedroom with my 1st child - when he was a baby - because she was flipping out and raging. I would have to leave the house in the middle of the night with our baby to get away from her screaming because he would cry out of fear.

Even when things are quite - and she seems "normal" or "fine" - I don't ever want to be around her - because I hate what she has done to us. I hate that my 7 year old finds it normal when his sister is "throwing a fit" I hate that we can't have a dinner without her fllipping out about the food - every single meal there is an issue with food - I kid you not - I absolutely DREAD dinners because we eat together as a family - and we all have to be her audience night after night. I mean I could ramble on about everything - and some of it might seem petty to some - but I feel like an abused animal - constantly being kicked - everyday - without fail - and so when she isn't having a fit, or when she isn't latching on to something and can't let it go, and is acting like a "normal 12 y/o girl" I honestly can't see past all that other junk.

I wish she wasn't in my life. I wish I didn't love her dad and married him. I hate the fact that I feel like I am punishing my children with this horrible life - with a sister who tornments them and is unpredictible and unstable. I feel like it's my fault when they are crying out of fear because their sister is raging in the other room or yelling at dad or breaking doors or screaming "I hate you! I wish you were dead." I hate that this is our normal - our everyday. We homeschooled our son last year but opted for public school this year because we thought he needed to see what "normal" kids could be like. That our home - is not how all kids are.

So yeah - struggling today. struggling to see how all of this makes us better. makes me better. how is this - making me a better me. a better mom, a better wife, a better person? i don't believe it's possible - because I hate me so much right now. Hate who I have become - hate that this ugliness has taken over and I don't believe I can beat it. Hate that I feel like my sons don't get the best of me, are not loved fully because I am so consummed by this disgusting disease.

I pray that tomorrow is better. I pray that everyday.


by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:59 PM
3 moms liked this

Have you tried inpatient care for her?  A few members in this site have done that with their children who became this out of control.  The facility was able to figure out the best thing for the child and which medications he/she needed to be on.   I cant imagine the stress and chaos each day brings.  I think you hate more the mental illness than the actual child.

gibro19
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 9:09 PM

Thanks!

Yea - i have looked at some of that stuff online - but I don't think my husband would agree to it - not unless something happened - like she physically attacked one of the boys or me. She usually saves her physical outbursts for him.

I think you are probably right about hating the illness and not the child. Guess most times it's hard to separate the two.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.


frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 9:16 PM

Your welcome.  My SO has adult onset bipolar (caused by a violent car crash) and some days i dont like him very much either.  I can not imagine a teen girl having to cope with it along with the extra hormones surging in her body as well.  Her brain is probably spinning in circles some days.  I wonder if enrolling her in a cooking class would help decrease the food outbursts since she would be in control of making dinner.


Quoting gibro19:

Thanks!

Yea - i have looked at some of that stuff online - but I don't think my husband would agree to it - not unless something happened - like she physically attacked one of the boys or me. She usually saves her physical outbursts for him.

I think you are probably right about hating the illness and not the child. Guess most times it's hard to separate the two.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.




bamababe1975
by Gold Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:11 AM

 Hi! I'm so sorry you're dealing with that and sorry that the child has an illness which makes her behave in such a way. I can't offer you any advice, but maybe the moms on the Special Needs Kids group will have some for you in addition to what the others suggested here:

 



Kellyjude1
by Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:12 AM

 I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  I cannot ever imagine how you must feel.  Is there anyone she can possibly go someplace for help?  Maybe where professionals can deal with her and her issues daily help and therapy may be something she needs.  I would suggest talking to her doctor again or possibly getting another doctor's opinion.  Clearly you don't want things to be this way and I am sure you do love her and just want some peace and things to change.  Don't give up on finding the help she so desperately needs.  Try not to be so hard on yourself you are doing the best you can and that is all you can do.  Praying can and will help.  You need to talk to your husband he needs to hear and respect your feelings.  You deal with this on a daily basis and I am sure its not easy.  Your husband needs to know and realize that this is effecting you and breaking you down.  If there is a support group in your area that specializes in what your step daughter has maybe you should join.  Learning from others how to deal and cope with these issues may help.  Sometimes the internet will have forums or groups for specific diagnosis of children.  Learning more about how to handle of better cope will help not only you but her.  I hope and pray for you and your family that things will get better.  Right now your feelings need to be heard and do matter so talking to your husband about this is a start.  Hang in there... 

notjstanothrmom
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:19 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry you're going through this, just reading out has made me stressed out. I would look into natural treatments and try them out. If nothing worked and meds were refused, I would have no choice but to move on. I wouldn't want my kids subject to that daily.
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CeceliaRosella
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:32 AM

You don't hate her. You hate what she is going through and how it is affecting your family. If you hated her you wouldn't be so proactive in trying to get her help nor would you still be trying to be involved with her 9 years later.

Cut yourself some slack, you are only human.

I hope you all find the help she needs. I'm sorry you are all going through this.

momrocks2000
by Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:38 AM
2 moms liked this

I can feel your pain.  I have a sister who is diagnosed with a serious mental illness, and I could not take care of her full-time, 24 hours per day.  In my area, we have three psychiatric facilities, and multiple programs for children/teens/adults. If you need, please private email me via caremoms, and I can help you locate a program for your step-daughter in your state or out of state before you lose your own mind.  Because I have OCD, I almost counted how many times you said the word hate.  I am going to give you advice, you can hate the disease your step-daughter has, but not hate her.  If she was a diabetic, wouldn't you take her to every specialist to treat her disease?  Not all physicians think alike, my sister has been on many cocktails of meds; some make it worse (her eating disorder), some make her a zombie.  Psyc drugs, ADHD meds, etc. all work different on people.  Its a trial run.  I would strongly disagree that your step daughter remains untreated for her bi-polar diagnosis.  Unbelieveable.  Reach out to other psycitric facilities.  Don't take one doctors opinion.  Another family member, a teen,  her parents (step-mom just like you) have reached out to their community mental health team, the teen has a 24 hour case worker, available at anytime of the day or night, they have respite care when things get out of control.  The teen has been hospitalized or placed in a psych unit multiple times.  I will tell you if the teen did not take meds, younger sisters would possibly be harmed.   Your DD needs medications to control the outbursts, and she may need specialized care which you & your DH can not deliver.   Your DH does not need to be attacked physically, and its affecting you and the other children negatively.  PLEASE get more additional help...I am familiar with these issues.   Reach out.  I can put you intouch with people who can treat, diagnose, medicate, assist your family.  Your DH & yourself must talk openly about getting assistance so that your family can be safe, and secure.  I will pray for your situation to improve.  It will with the right assistance, the correct physicians and treatment facility.   

Paradys
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:40 AM
I agree with the PP's, you need to talk to DH. He needs to understand how damaging this is for you and your younger children. DSD will not Ger better living like this, she needs to be someplace where she can get the help she needs 24/7!
You are not a bad person or mother! In fact, I think the fact that you have stayed this long, done all you have to protect your younger children, and to get along with and be there for DSD proves you are an amazing, loving, and supportive mother. Bad times happen to us all but what have and are dealing has broken weaker people.
Take heart...you are WONDERFUL!
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rosie211
by New Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:47 AM

You have gotten some great replies already, I'm not sure how much I actually have to add. I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now and I agree with another reply that said you don't hate her, you hate the disease and what it has done to you, to her, to your other kids, to your family, everything. If you hated her, you wouldn't even care what happened to her.

This is the place to vent, for sure. I hope you can find some professional help for her and I can understand they don't want to put her on meds right now, but she needs to be on something or she needs to be treated in a hospital. Saying prayers for you and yours; keep on being strong, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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