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Okay, so I am going to try and keep this as short as possible.. it is an issue I have with my MIL. 

Since we announced we were having another baby my MIL has been not in the mind frame (in my opinion). She told me I was no longer allowed in her house until I got an abortion, this lasted a whole month. She has told me that I cant eat dinner at the same dinner table as her, she refuses to come to my baby shower and disrespected the way we choose to raise our 2 year old son as well. 

Throughout this time I have voiced to my spouse how sad it makes me that she acts this way. My guy is an awesome father and partner but in this siutation he always tells me to get over it and let it go. He uses the excuse that she is older (in her 80s) and things were different, basically she isnt caught up on the times. I reply by telling him that if he cant support me or offer me reassurance I want to visit a counselor to talk about this and get it off my chest. He then tells me I am over-reacting. I love my man and would never let anything come between us, but it has put a large strain on our relationship. Last night it all came up because he went to watch a hockey game at his parents house and I said I felt uncomfortable going. When I am there she doesnt speak to me and there is alot of tension in the room. I want to have a relationship with her that is close and where she is like a second mom, but no matter what I do she doesnt want to. 

What would you guys do? I dont want to see a medical professional behind his back but I also dont want to live like this and not be able to voice my concerns. HELP! 

thank you

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:48 AM
Replies (21-30):
jabs54
by Platinum Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:29 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't mean to sound rude but she sounds CRAZY.  Honestly, who would say you can't come over until you have an abortion.  Not normal!

Pink.Frosting
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:32 PM

What?  She's not caught up with the times?  Last time I looked, folks 80 years ago had more than one kid.  That's just weird for her to think that.

itsamadfrenzy
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:50 PM


I definitely have tried this. We discussed all the things as mothers that we have found funny, difficult and life changing. Before I found out I was pregnant the second time we had a good relationship, kind of why this all came as a shock to me. I have tried to tell her about appointments and even asked if she wanted to help my mom with the baby shower. 


Quoting TexanMomOf6:

She is older and her ways are different than younger folks. Ask her opinion on things. Listen respectfully. You don't have to do what she says but you may find she has some good ideas. Ask her to read your LO a story. Ask her what she would do when the baby gets cranky. Something, anything to let her know that she is a real valuable person. She may be feeling left out.

Remember: babies, kids, teenagers, everyone needs attention and will do anything to get it. Good or bad.



MandMsWorld
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:52 PM
1 mom liked this

There were 22 replies (read them all) before I came back to this one to reply - so if you haven't read till there some of my comments might not makes sense, but this I was what I thought was most relevant...

 You are NOT lowering yourself to her level by refusing to expose your children to someone who is TOXIC in your life.   You are protecting your kids, and your relationship with them plain and simple.    If you don't read the rest of this, please, please re-read the previous 2 sentences.

Your DH needs to talk to his Mom - not you.     Once he figures out what HER problem is, then you and DH need to figure out how to handle it.   The 3 of you talking together, or whatever.   Personally, with a woman who is treating you like this, I would try really hard to be alone in a room with, you always need a witness so that someone else knows what was said  and/or done.

Does she have a a history of mental illnes?  Does she behave this irrationally about other people?   Is your DH her only child?    Unless she is old enough to have dementia or alzheimers (early onset is always a possibility)  her behavior can NOT be explained away by not  understanding youth.   Or young mothers.   Please.   I'm 46, my Mom is in her 70's, we both clearly remember what it's like to be young - what younger people don't know is what it's like to be old ;)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this - but really, you need to keep your stress level down for the sake of you, your baby, and your 2 year old.  

I'd just smile and make excuses to stay away from her, and keep asking your husband to find out why she's so cruel to you.   OH WAIT - did she say she wanted you to abort your child in front of your DH or just to you?    


Quoting itsamadfrenzy:


I dont know why but I cant refuse my children to see her. That is just the way I am. I would feel like I am lowering myself to her level of nastiness! Doing that also puts even more burden on my relationship with my spouse and would cause arguments between us, which I dont want. 

Luckily for now my son is still young enough that he hasnt caught on but when he does if things are no better I would like him to look at it with this outlook.. "Some people may not like you, agree with you or want to be your friend but you have to be the bigger person." 

Quoting Mistweave:

I would go and see someone if that was what I felt would make me feel better and I would tell him I was going.  I would also not allow my children around a woman that insists on acting like a harpy.  She'll miss her grandchildren eventually and learn to play nice.  I have people in my family like that too and I refuse to be around them and they will not be allowed around my child after it's born either.





itsamadfrenzy
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 9:00 PM


I really appreciate your post and some of your ideas. I agree completely that he needs to talk to his mom. As far as I know she doesnt have any mental illness. She complains about EVERYTHING!! Dinner, people at church, our dog LOL I have to laugh because it is so silly! 

She told me over the phone to have the abortion because at that point I was no longer allowed over! HAHA when I told my DH he was so mad! He called her right away and let her have it. My DH told her that she wouldnt see her grandchildren anymore if she didnt apologize and fix it. And that he understood why I would be upset. He was very supportive at that time! 

Quoting MandMsWorld:

There were 22 replies (read them all) before I came back to this one to reply - so if you haven't read till there some of my comments might not makes sense, but this I was what I thought was most relevant...

 You are NOT lowering yourself to her level by refusing to expose your children to someone who is TOXIC in your life.   You are protecting your kids, and your relationship with them plain and simple.    If you don't read the rest of this, please, please re-read the previous 2 sentences.

Your DH needs to talk to his Mom - not you.     Once he figures out what HER problem is, then you and DH need to figure out how to handle it.   The 3 of you talking together, or whatever.   Personally, with a woman who is treating you like this, I would try really hard to be alone in a room with, you always need a witness so that someone else knows what was said  and/or done.

Does she have a a history of mental illnes?  Does she behave this irrationally about other people?   Is your DH her only child?    Unless she is old enough to have dementia or alzheimers (early onset is always a possibility)  her behavior can NOT be explained away by not  understanding youth.   Or young mothers.   Please.   I'm 46, my Mom is in her 70's, we both clearly remember what it's like to be young - what younger people don't know is what it's like to be old ;)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this - but really, you need to keep your stress level down for the sake of you, your baby, and your 2 year old.  

I'd just smile and make excuses to stay away from her, and keep asking your husband to find out why she's so cruel to you.   OH WAIT - did she say she wanted you to abort your child in front of your DH or just to you?    


Quoting itsamadfrenzy:


I dont know why but I cant refuse my children to see her. That is just the way I am. I would feel like I am lowering myself to her level of nastiness! Doing that also puts even more burden on my relationship with my spouse and would cause arguments between us, which I dont want. 

Luckily for now my son is still young enough that he hasnt caught on but when he does if things are no better I would like him to look at it with this outlook.. "Some people may not like you, agree with you or want to be your friend but you have to be the bigger person." 

Quoting Mistweave:

I would go and see someone if that was what I felt would make me feel better and I would tell him I was going.  I would also not allow my children around a woman that insists on acting like a harpy.  She'll miss her grandchildren eventually and learn to play nice.  I have people in my family like that too and I refuse to be around them and they will not be allowed around my child after it's born either.







Mom2Just1
by Mom2boys on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:22 PM

Ask her.  All you can do.  

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Basherte
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:21 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Kimbunny:

This is very sad :(  I don't know why some people act that way.  I'm sorry.  I really think that your partner needs to be on your side.  I really think he should tell his mom that she is being out of line!!!!  I mean come on, this is the mother of her grandchildren and she is treating you like you don't belong....My heart is aching for you because my first son's grandma never had anything nice to say about me and probably never will.  I think that you have every right to seek out a councelor, I think it would be a really good idea.  Don't let him make you feel like you are over reacting...he should try and see how he might feel if your family was treating him that way.  It is NOT ok to every treat someone badly like that! NEVER!!!  Keep your head up

My first mother in law treated me like the nasty stuff you find on the bottom of your shoe and seriously contemplate throwing them out instead of washing them off because it is sooo nasty. 

However, she always treated our son with love and affection. 

My ex husband never stood up for me when it came to his mom, she could do no wrong in his eyes. 

I would seek the help from a therapist that you feel you need and pretty much tell him that you don't want a divorce, but he needs to deal with you going to a therapist. He wants you to deal with the mother in law thing on your own. Go to her and ask, but also get the therapy you feel you need. There is nothing wrong with getting help when you need it.


ETA: your husband should have left his mother and be clinging to you. He should be respectful of him mom and love her to death, because she is his mom. That doesn't mean that he can't disagree with her and let her know that in his opinion she is being out of line with the way she is treating you. It sounds to me like she will not be showing this grandchild the love and attention and affection that she shows the one she already has. That is not something I would tolerate. My first mother in law will never see her other two half grandchildren for this reason. They don't need someone as crotchedy and as ill mannered as my ex's mother.  She's old and set in her ways too. But that didn't stop her from sleeping with her ex husbands relatives while she was still married to his father. The man she is married to now made a pass at me while his wife and his steps on were in ear shot. They just told me that I overreacted to what he said to me. I made sure I was never in the same room as that man.

Good luck, hon. 


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ThinkAgainMom
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:50 AM

SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY POWER YOU HAVEN't GIVEN HER! She doesn't sound like someone I would choose for my second mother. My MIL is defintely not someone I would choose for that roll either. But I didn't pick my DH for his mother.  I think you need to push the happy MIL/DIL image you have from your mind.  That is probably part of why this is so painful to you.  This woman is really not nice.  Honestly, would you choose her for your second mother??  So you are not going to get that relationship from this crazy woman,  Your job is to figure out  the best relationship you CAN have.  It may be much, much less than your ideal.

I have a MIL who lives in a negative world.  This is who she is.  It is quite sad, actually.  Instead of looking for the good and beautiful, she looks for what's wrong.  She also makes things up to make her situation worse.  She will tell us in one breath that my BIL (who lives closest to her) has not been to see her in 3 months! Later in the day, we will be talking about going to a restaurant for dinner and she will shout, "No, BIL took me there last week!"  She has no diagnosed mental illness. She is self-absorbed and negative and will lie to serve her purposes.

MY DH loves his mother and feels a responsibility toward her.  I don't mind my children seeing that.  They are also very aware that 'Grammy' isn't always nice.  We live 3 1/2 hours from her.  We don't tell her anything she doesn't need to know.  My DD started going to a private school this year.  It has changed her life!  Best decision we have ever made for her.  We don't tell MIL because she will be nothing but negative.  We told DD that we aren't going to lie.  She can tell MIL the name of the school she is going to and what it's like (MIL won't know that it's private) but not to say it's a private school.  We told DD that people have different opinions about the value of education and Grammy is someone who would not pay for a private school.  That's her choice. Ours is different and we have no need to argue with her about it.

I am nice to MIL, even when she seems cold. It can make her uncomfortable and that's okay.  I act like the person I am, not someone who is REACTING to her.  It seems to bring her around a little.

I am also very direct with her.  Other family members are sometimes shocked, but I am generally very nice and caring toward her, I just won't take any junk.  If she goes off on a family member who's not there, I will say, "Why are you so negative about him?  He is 1 year out of college and he is doing a good job finding his way."  When I call her directly on being negative she usually shuts up. She may mumble something. I don't hear it.   I have said to other family members "I can only imagine what she says about me when I am not around!"  They have said that, no, she actually respects me.

She likes to play board games so we bring board games and play with my 2 kids. She can get negative then, but much more rarely.  Perhaps you can find something your MIL enjoys and begin to share that with her and your kids?  Is there some kind of music, or card game, or dancing, cooking?  If she sees you as a conduit to something she loves, and a bridge to her grandchildren, perhaps she will soften her icy heart.

Although I agree that your husband needs to have your back.  As long as your MIL is not forbidding you to come to her house, don't ask him not to go there on occasion. No matter what kind of a pyscho witch she is, she is hismother, they are his parents, and the good news is: SHE WON"T BE HERE FOREVER!!!!

There will come a time when this issue goes quietly away.  Look inside you to find peace with it until then. She has been living with this warped personality for many years.  She is very unlikely to change in any meaningful way.  The trick for you is to find a way to tolerate her with a laugh at her outrageous behavior until her time is done.

 

itsamadfrenzy
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:06 AM


Thank you very much for your reply! I agree with everything you said completely!

She is definitely not the person that I would first pick to be like a second mother but I just cant help myself in wanting to have a bond with her. Everyone I have ever been friends with is like family to me, I have friends from middle school that are like my sisters. My son calls them "Auntie." I guess I am weak in that sense. 

I need to find a way to be around her and not feel so tense. I try to start conversations and she will literally nod or shake her head or give me about a sentence. Before I got pregnant this time, my DH and I would go over to their house and play card games, I would make dinners and we would watch some shows we all liked on TV. I have tried to find that common interest or activity we both have but that doesnt seem to even matter. To me she seems like the kind of person that when she has her mind made up, thats it...


Quoting ThinkAgainMom:

SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY POWER YOU HAVEN't GIVEN HER! She doesn't sound like someone I would choose for my second mother. My MIL is defintely not someone I would choose for that roll either. But I didn't pick my DH for his mother.  I think you need to push the happy MIL/DIL image you have from your mind.  That is probably part of why this is so painful to you.  This woman is really not nice.  Honestly, would you choose her for your second mother??  So you are not going to get that relationship from this crazy woman,  Your job is to figure out  the best relationship you CAN have.  It may be much, much less than your ideal.

I have a MIL who lives in a negative world.  This is who she is.  It is quite sad, actually.  Instead of looking for the good and beautiful, she looks for what's wrong.  She also makes things up to make her situation worse.  She will tell us in one breath that my BIL (who lives closest to her) has not been to see her in 3 months! Later in the day, we will be talking about going to a restaurant for dinner and she will shout, "No, BIL took me there last week!"  She has no diagnosed mental illness. She is self-absorbed and negative and will lie to serve her purposes.

MY DH loves his mother and feels a responsibility toward her.  I don't mind my children seeing that.  They are also very aware that 'Grammy' isn't always nice.  We live 3 1/2 hours from her.  We don't tell her anything she doesn't need to know.  My DD started going to a private school this year.  It has changed her life!  Best decision we have ever made for her.  We don't tell MIL because she will be nothing but negative.  We told DD that we aren't going to lie.  She can tell MIL the name of the school she is going to and what it's like (MIL won't know that it's private) but not to say it's a private school.  We told DD that people have different opinions about the value of education and Grammy is someone who would not pay for a private school.  That's her choice. Ours is different and we have no need to argue with her about it.

I am nice to MIL, even when she seems cold. It can make her uncomfortable and that's okay.  I act like the person I am, not someone who is REACTING to her.  It seems to bring her around a little.

I am also very direct with her.  Other family members are sometimes shocked, but I am generally very nice and caring toward her, I just won't take any junk.  If she goes off on a family member who's not there, I will say, "Why are you so negative about him?  He is 1 year out of college and he is doing a good job finding his way."  When I call her directly on being negative she usually shuts up. She may mumble something. I don't hear it.   I have said to other family members "I can only imagine what she says about me when I am not around!"  They have said that, no, she actually respects me.

She likes to play board games so we bring board games and play with my 2 kids. She can get negative then, but much more rarely.  Perhaps you can find something your MIL enjoys and begin to share that with her and your kids?  Is there some kind of music, or card game, or dancing, cooking?  If she sees you as a conduit to something she loves, and a bridge to her grandchildren, perhaps she will soften her icy heart.

Although I agree that your husband needs to have your back.  As long as your MIL is not forbidding you to come to her house, don't ask him not to go there on occasion. No matter what kind of a pyscho witch she is, she is hismother, they are his parents, and the good news is: SHE WON"T BE HERE FOREVER!!!!

There will come a time when this issue goes quietly away.  Look inside you to find peace with it until then. She has been living with this warped personality for many years.  She is very unlikely to change in any meaningful way.  The trick for you is to find a way to tolerate her with a laugh at her outrageous behavior until her time is done.




kbeeck
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:33 AM

Give her a douse of her own medicine. Maybe acting like it doesn't bother you and act like she does, maybe she'll realize how it feels and come around. Sometimes people are subborn and set in there ways and with her being older it's very possible. If what I said earlier doesn't work, you might just have to come to the terms that, that is how she is and have to deal with it. We can't make everyone love us. You married your guy not her. 

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