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Help!!! Mom of 2 year old!!

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Hi everyone, I'm new to this site!! I have a 2 year old son who I truly love more than life. However, I feel like I can't stand him sometimes!! :( :( He is so defiant! I swear he does things that he isn't supposed to do JUST to get to me :/ I'm not a very patient person, but I try... I really love him, and want to have a good relationship. Maybe I just suck at it? Any advice?!

by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 9:15 PM
Replies (21-28):
jstine86
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 3:15 PM

 


Quoting LindaClement:

2yos are never defiant unless they are awash in rules and orders --you can only defy what you're told to do.

Mostly, he actually needs a lot of freedom with someone watching to keep him safe. He needs healthy food offered, not forced. He needs enough rest, not a set bedtime regardless of how tired he is or how fast he's growing. He needs an environment he can safely explore and learn about the world in, not to 'learn not to touch' dangerous, delicate or valuable tools or technology.

Without Spanking or Spoiling is an excellent book on what toddlers can reasonably be expected to do, based on research into child development.

Thanks for this :) Makes a lot of sense. I will admit my husband and I sometimes forget he's 2, and we can definitely be a little hard on him. As far as freedom, he actually has quite a bit. I'm not the mom who freaks out when he pulls all the blankets and pillows out of the cabinet and plays "ni-nite" or when he decides he wants to try and eat his cereal like a "piggy" He can pretty much explore the entire house, (I baby proofed like crazy) ;) there's not much he can get into that really hurts anything. However, there are a few things...Running outside by himself, running FROM me especially, and a couple other no-no's. He KNOWS these, very well, and does them, I think when he's trying to get attention. :/ He thinks it's funny :/   I guess that's what I meant by "defiant" if that makes sense. I try to give him positive attention, praising him for doing right, high fiving when he helps, etc. I think he just likes the negative attention better sometimes. Maybe it's just his way of letting us know he needs more attention at that very moment.

jstine86
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 3:19 PM

 


Quoting sroddy1087:

OOOOHH yeah. I feel you. I REALLY do. It is completely essential you find time for yourself. Whatever you like to do, getting your nails done, going to the movies, whatever. When I was a SAHM, I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. Take time for YOU and don't feel guilty about it. We all love our children, but if you don't take care of yourself, you'll be unhappy. And that saying "When momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is very very true. When you're happy, the child is happy. 

 

Take a moment, take a breath. When the child is acting up, don't yell. I know this may sound really hard (and it is, I promise you this) don't get mad. Laugh. My son acts up so bad sometimes and I force myself to laugh with him instead of yelling or getting upset. The behavior (for the most part) will get better. And one thing that seems to help is have playtime with him. Get some toys out and play WITH him. That might help. But I do know that there are times when nothing helps and he will just keep doing what he's doing. I really hope something helps because I can completely understand what you are going through. Keep your chin up and get out every once in a while for yourself. :D

Thanks :) I hate when I get frustrated and yell at him :( I try not to, I try to keep my cool, I just don't know what he wants sometimes. :/ Maybe I will try laughing. :) Sounds much better than yelling

 

Roo1234
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 3:42 PM

First of all you need to change your perspective.  His disobedience isn't to "get at you", it is because he is two and that is what kids at all ages do.  You can't take his actions personally.

Right now, the best way to discipline is through redirection.  That means when he is doing something you don't want him to do, you remove him and offer him something you will allow him to do.  Repeat as often as necessary.  You can't expect him to actively and willingly choose to stop an action just because you yell no from across the room.

jstine86
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 4:13 PM

 


Quoting Roo1234:

First of all you need to change your perspective.  His disobedience isn't to "get at you", it is because he is two and that is what kids at all ages do.  You can't take his actions personally.

Right now, the best way to discipline is through redirection.  That means when he is doing something you don't want him to do, you remove him and offer him something you will allow him to do.  Repeat as often as necessary.  You can't expect him to actively and willingly choose to stop an action just because you yell no from across the room.

I definitely agree. I know it isn't aimed at me personally, but sometimes it feels that way and it's hard to shake. Sometimes I feel like a kid myself stomping my feet and pouting yelling "Emmett is being meeean to me" Lol. That's how it feels from time to time. I try to redirect him, but he is extremely hard-headed (thanks to both his parents) and I feel it is a "game" to him. He will keep going back, back, back until he finally throws himself on the floor having a meltdown. Some days are better than others.

 

LindaClement
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:34 PM

The only thing I would challenge is your assertion that any 2yo 'knows' anything like where and when the rules apply, even (in any moment of distraction or curiosity) what the rules are.

Otherwise, I think you're dead on.

2yos lack the judgement to discern when running away is okay (like in the hall of your house, when you laugh and think it is funny) and the street --the situations are not different enough to a child with so little experience.

He needs constant reminding of the rule (like 'you walk right next to me or you hold my hand --no other choices') and reinforcement of it: you hold his hand the second he takes one step in any direction away from you when you're walking together. He will fight it and struggle, if he doesn't want to ... but safety issues need to be non-negotiable.

When they're the only battles you ever have, you'll find you have lots of energy for them :D

Quoting jstine86:



Quoting LindaClement:

2yos are never defiant unless they are awash in rules and orders --you can only defy what you're told to do.

Mostly, he actually needs a lot of freedom with someone watching to keep him safe. He needs healthy food offered, not forced. He needs enough rest, not a set bedtime regardless of how tired he is or how fast he's growing. He needs an environment he can safely explore and learn about the world in, not to 'learn not to touch' dangerous, delicate or valuable tools or technology.

Without Spanking or Spoiling is an excellent book on what toddlers can reasonably be expected to do, based on research into child development.

Thanks for this :) Makes a lot of sense. I will admit my husband and I sometimes forget he's 2, and we can definitely be a little hard on him. As far as freedom, he actually has quite a bit. I'm not the mom who freaks out when he pulls all the blankets and pillows out of the cabinet and plays "ni-nite" or when he decides he wants to try and eat his cereal like a "piggy" He can pretty much explore the entire house, (I baby proofed like crazy) ;) there's not much he can get into that really hurts anything. However, there are a few things...Running outside by himself, running FROM me especially, and a couple other no-no's. He KNOWS these, very well, and does them, I think when he's trying to get attention. :/ He thinks it's funny :/   I guess that's what I meant by "defiant" if that makes sense. I try to give him positive attention, praising him for doing right, high fiving when he helps, etc. I think he just likes the negative attention better sometimes. Maybe it's just his way of letting us know he needs more attention at that very moment.


ScarletRose4488
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:49 PM

They call it terrible two's for a reason.  Every mom has been there.  I am sure you have heard of time-out.  One of the best uses for time-out is not to punish your child but to give you a moment to calm down.  Have a friend over and completely baby-proof his room - just like a giant playpen.  When he gets to you this bad put him in there for some quiet time.  It is also a great way to get kids to be independant and develop into very good readers.  GL!

Jen
~ I speak from the heart because the truth is always the best - even if you don't know it yet. ~
jstine86
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:54 PM

 

I understand what you are saying. I say he KNOWS because, with certain things, he looks at me, inches his hand (or body for that matter) towards it, with this little knowing smile, lol. Waiting for my reaction.  He knows he shouldn't, and that we don't want him to...It gets our attention though right?

Quoting LindaClement:

The only thing I would challenge is your assertion that any 2yo 'knows' anything like where and when the rules apply, even (in any moment of distraction or curiosity) what the rules are.

Otherwise, I think you're dead on.

2yos lack the judgement to discern when running away is okay (like in the hall of your house, when you laugh and think it is funny) and the street --the situations are not different enough to a child with so little experience.

He needs constant reminding of the rule (like 'you walk right next to me or you hold my hand --no other choices') and reinforcement of it: you hold his hand the second he takes one step in any direction away from you when you're walking together. He will fight it and struggle, if he doesn't want to ... but safety issues need to be non-negotiable.

When they're the only battles you ever have, you'll find you have lots of energy for them :D

Quoting jstine86:

 

 

Quoting LindaClement:

2yos are never defiant unless they are awash in rules and orders --you can only defy what you're told to do.

Mostly, he actually needs a lot of freedom with someone watching to keep him safe. He needs healthy food offered, not forced. He needs enough rest, not a set bedtime regardless of how tired he is or how fast he's growing. He needs an environment he can safely explore and learn about the world in, not to 'learn not to touch' dangerous, delicate or valuable tools or technology.

Without Spanking or Spoiling is an excellent book on what toddlers can reasonably be expected to do, based on research into child development.

Thanks for this :) Makes a lot of sense. I will admit my husband and I sometimes forget he's 2, and we can definitely be a little hard on him. As far as freedom, he actually has quite a bit. I'm not the mom who freaks out when he pulls all the blankets and pillows out of the cabinet and plays "ni-nite" or when he decides he wants to try and eat his cereal like a "piggy" He can pretty much explore the entire house, (I baby proofed like crazy) ;) there's not much he can get into that really hurts anything. However, there are a few things...Running outside by himself, running FROM me especially, and a couple other no-no's. He KNOWS these, very well, and does them, I think when he's trying to get attention. :/ He thinks it's funny :/   I guess that's what I meant by "defiant" if that makes sense. I try to give him positive attention, praising him for doing right, high fiving when he helps, etc. I think he just likes the negative attention better sometimes. Maybe it's just his way of letting us know he needs more attention at that very moment.



 

LindaClement
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:28 PM

He needs your attention, so it's fair that he makes attempts to get it.

I think you may be seeing something in that knowing smile that's not there. He may be smiling in his success at gaining your eye contact. He may be curious if 'here' is the same as 'there' and needs to find out.

Full disclosure: I only had two children because I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to hold onto more than two at a time... and on one sad occasion, my eldest dislocate her elbow trying to get away.

Quoting jstine86:


I understand what you are saying. I say he KNOWS because, with certain things, he looks at me, inches his hand (or body for that matter) towards it, with this little knowing smile, lol. Waiting for my reaction.  He knows he shouldn't, and that we don't want him to...It gets our attention though right?

Quoting LindaClement:

The only thing I would challenge is your assertion that any 2yo 'knows' anything like where and when the rules apply, even (in any moment of distraction or curiosity) what the rules are.

Otherwise, I think you're dead on.

2yos lack the judgement to discern when running away is okay (like in the hall of your house, when you laugh and think it is funny) and the street --the situations are not different enough to a child with so little experience.

He needs constant reminding of the rule (like 'you walk right next to me or you hold my hand --no other choices') and reinforcement of it: you hold his hand the second he takes one step in any direction away from you when you're walking together. He will fight it and struggle, if he doesn't want to ... but safety issues need to be non-negotiable.

When they're the only battles you ever have, you'll find you have lots of energy for them :D

Quoting jstine86:



Quoting LindaClement:

2yos are never defiant unless they are awash in rules and orders --you can only defy what you're told to do.

Mostly, he actually needs a lot of freedom with someone watching to keep him safe. He needs healthy food offered, not forced. He needs enough rest, not a set bedtime regardless of how tired he is or how fast he's growing. He needs an environment he can safely explore and learn about the world in, not to 'learn not to touch' dangerous, delicate or valuable tools or technology.

Without Spanking or Spoiling is an excellent book on what toddlers can reasonably be expected to do, based on research into child development.

Thanks for this :) Makes a lot of sense. I will admit my husband and I sometimes forget he's 2, and we can definitely be a little hard on him. As far as freedom, he actually has quite a bit. I'm not the mom who freaks out when he pulls all the blankets and pillows out of the cabinet and plays "ni-nite" or when he decides he wants to try and eat his cereal like a "piggy" He can pretty much explore the entire house, (I baby proofed like crazy) ;) there's not much he can get into that really hurts anything. However, there are a few things...Running outside by himself, running FROM me especially, and a couple other no-no's. He KNOWS these, very well, and does them, I think when he's trying to get attention. :/ He thinks it's funny :/   I guess that's what I meant by "defiant" if that makes sense. I try to give him positive attention, praising him for doing right, high fiving when he helps, etc. I think he just likes the negative attention better sometimes. Maybe it's just his way of letting us know he needs more attention at that very moment.





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