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In need of advice...

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:08 AM
  • 27 Replies

I am a 19 year old about to be 20 year old mother and fiance. At the moment me and my fiance live with his family. Recently my 8 month old daughter has gotten an infection around her ladie part. Its emotionally draining and i just don't know how to handle it. My mother in law is helping me out a lot. Something about it though, urks me a lot and i don't want to be that kind of person. I love her help but sometimes she can be pushy. I know I'm new to this and sometimes when she gets sick i feel as if it is all my fault. I've also been told that it is possible the more she learns to talk she could possilby start calling her grandma, mommy. I REALLY REALLY do not want that happening. It would break my heart in two. What would you all do?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:08 AM
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by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:06 AM
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Can you spend more time out of the house (esp when gramma is there)?
Are you doing sign language with your daughter?

by Terri on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:52 AM
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 You and your fiance need to tell grandma that while you appreciate the help, she needs to be GRANDMA and do grandma things, not MOM things.  You need to stand firm about this and fiance must be on the same page as you.

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:54 AM
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Just politely tell her that you'd like to do it yourself and learn.
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by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:19 AM
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As you are talking to your dd always refer to her grandmother as grandma, repeatedly. "look there's grandma", "say hi to "grandma", do you want to give this to "grandma".  If you should ever hear your daughter call her mom, correct her gently but immediately.

Also, don't allow your soon to be mother inlaw to have that much time and control with your dd.

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:28 AM
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I am probably gonna get booed for this but.I had my first child at that age and would have loved the help.maybe your daughters gma is old school and sees you as a 19 Year old and doesnt want you to be overwhelmed.Why does she have an infection?being a grandma I would love to just take over every minute I could and an infection down there would make me think diaper was on too long.When you look back in a couple of years you will understand and wish you would have just relaxed and let her help more,as for calling her momma kids do that to daycare teachers even I wouldnt stress over that....
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:14 AM
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Hmm.  I know you are 19, and a new mom, but what stands out to me is that your email is all about YOU and not really about your DD.  Being a good mother requires a great deal of selflessness.  So what's best for your daughter?  Having two women doting over her?  Having two women caring for her when she has an infection to make sure it heals quickly?  Having two women who love and care for her so much they could both be her mommy? 

The first two years of my son's life, my DH was a stay-at-home dad.  When I was home but he wanted his dad, it KILLED me. But I knew that it was good for my DS.  He was SO lucky to have a dad he was that close to as a baby.  MY feelings didn't matter a hoot when it came to what was best for him.  So I had to cry it out and talk it out with women friends to get the support I needed.  My DH and I swapped roles at age 2.  My DS did develop a much stronger bond with me, but for many years, it was nearly equal to my DH and I think that was a good thing for my DS (regardless of what I wanted).

Know that the M sound is much easier to make than the G sound so don't attach too much to your DD calling GMA,  MAMA.

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:56 AM
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You know YOU are her mother and grandma is grandma. Your daughter will understand the difference later. When children begin to talk, they don't understand that mama means the woman who gave birth to you...they only understand that mama means someone who I love, who loves me and takes good care of me. So they might call ANYONE who is there "mama"...even daddy! Don't worry about it! Relax and know that your daughter is very lucky to have a grandma who is so devoted to her. My kids were left with a very distant, uninvolved grandma. She never wanted to babysit or change diapers or anything. As a result, my kids are not close to her. SHE regrets that now but at the time she was just too worried about being taken advantage of. Your MIL doesn't seem to be like that at all so enjoy! You've got it better than a lot of moms!

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:19 AM
I have been there so I get how you must be feeling. I lost my mom at 20 so all that was left was my MIL. Even though I already had a child it was nice knowing I could depend on her assistance with my next child that I had the following year. To be honest, most grandmas are just sooo happy to have a grandchild they don't realize they may be overstepping. Since the two of you live with them try to see the good in the time she spends with DD. You can never be replaced and YoU will always be mother. She's not talking yet so don't stress about the 'mommy' thing. I have 5 children now and at some point they all have called grandma mommy even strangers that's what babies do. My suggestion is to ask her why she feels a certain way about a topic and have a one on one conversation to get her point of view. Keep in mind she raised your fiancé so she must have done something right otherwise you wouldn't be with him!
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by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:58 AM

 I doubt your DD will call her grandma. Make sure you refer to yourself as mommy and grandma as grandma.

If you feel like she needs to back off, tell her you apperciate the help but some things you feel you need to do on your own.

by Ivy on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:37 PM

 It can be very frustrating, and feel like people are being overbearing, especially when you're child is sick.  Take a breath, leave the house when you can and try to remember that your future MIL loves her granddaughter and is trying to help you.  Yes, she will probably get a little pushy, but it's out of care and concern.  Eventually you and your fiance will have your own place and then you can breathe a little deeper and have more space.  While you're in her house though, there's not much you can do.  Just try to maintain a good attitude and realize she's there to help - take advantage of that help as much as you can.

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