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WHAT SHOULD I DO????? PLEASE CM'S I NEED YOUR ADVICE!!

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 11:28 AM
  • 35 Replies

HERE GOES...I ASKED FOR ADVICE ABT 6 MONTHS AGO FROM YOU AND RECIEVED TONS OF REPLIES THAT I TOTALLY APPRICIATED...SO NOW I HAVE ANOTHER DILEMA. BACK THEN I WAS VERY UNHAPPY AND TRYING TO FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...SINCE THEN THINGS HAVE GOTTON SO MUCH BETTER...LIKE HE ALMOST HAS DONE A 360. BUT IN BETWEEN ALL THIS I REACHED OUT TO MY BEST FRIEND FOR HELP AND HER AND HER MOM BOUGHT ME A TICKET TO MOVE TO HAWAII...THEY BOUGHT THIS TICKET ABT 5 MONTHS AGO. I WAS HEAD STRONG ABT LEAVING AND STARTING A NEW LIFE. I'M SUPPOSE TO LEAVE NEXT MONTH AND START A NEW JOB OUT THERE. MY KIDS ARE STAYING BEHIND W/ THIER DAD UNTIL THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR...MY PLAN IS TO SAVE MY $ FOR A FEW MONTHS, GET A PLACE AND START A NEW LIFE W/ MY KIDS IN HAWAII....BUT NOW ME AND THIER FATHER ARE DOING GREAT!! IT'S WEIRD...HE IS THE MAN I ALWAYS KNEW HE COULD BE...HE UNDERSTANDS WHY I WANT TO GO TO HAWAII AND ISN'T EVEN TRYING TO DISCOURAGE ME. HE WANTS ME TO GO! HE SAID IF THINGS WORK OUT LIKE I PLAN HE WOULD LIKE TO COME OUT WITH ME & THE KIDS. WHAT A TURN AROUND IN EVENTS. NOW I'M STRUGGLING WITH LEAVING!! I'M HAVING ANXIETY ABT LEAVING MY KIDS. I'VE HAD SLEEPLESS NIGHTS...FIGHTING WITH MYSELF ABT WHAT TO DO. MY PROS #1. GETTING BACK ON MY FEET & BEING FINACIALLY INDEPENDENT (CURRENTLY SAHM) #2. HAWAII IS WHERE I WANT TO RAISE MY KIDS #3. MORAL SUPPORT FROM MY BESTIE (CURRENTLY HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE) MY CONS  #1. LEAVING MY KIDS BEHIND #2. LEAVING BEHIND MY GRANDSON! I FEEL THAT EVERYONE WILL BE LOST WITHOUT ME. I COOK, CLEAN, BABYSIT MY GRANDSON...ETC. I'M TRULY FEELING GUILTY ABT THIS WHOLE THING. MY BEST FRIEND AND HER MOM ARE WILLING TO HELP ME GET ON MY FEET AND ARE EVEN ACEPTING THE FACT THAT MY KIDS FATHER MIGHT BE JOINING ME AND HAVING US BE ONE HAPPY FAMILY!!! PLEASE CAFEMOMS HELP ME!!! I NEED EVERY SINGLE ONE THAT READS THIS TO COMMENT!! I'M LOST! HELP ME FIND THE ANSWER AND HELP ME FIND ME!!!

by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 11:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Bmat
by Barb on Feb. 8, 2013 at 11:34 AM
4 moms liked this

It would probably be worth your while to get a lawyer and ensure that you would not be accused of abandoning the children.  Is there any way that your husband and children could accompany you?

LABELmeCUTE
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 11:51 AM
Just go! They will be fine,& it's not like u can't come back to visit your grandson
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pretty_mom
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 11:59 AM

BELIEVE ME I THOUGHT ABT THAT...BUT WE ARE IN SUCH A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. MY TWO OLDER ONES WILL BE HERE (WHICH ARE NOT HIS) AND I DON'T THINK HE CAN GET ME FOR ABDOMENT. AS LONG AS WE KEEP SOME KIND OF OPEN COMMUNICATION IE....LETTERS, TEXT ETC THEN HE CAN NEVER GET ME FOR ABANDONIG MY GIRLS. BUT THANKS FOR THE CONCERN.

orngblsm
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:03 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm not too sure why you are leaving the kids behind with someone you couldn't wait to get away from.  While a move in the middle of the school year isn't ideal, it has been done before and will be done again.  Kids survive.  Before you move you need to seriously think about how you will feel and what you will do if your husband decides not to move with the kids or even send them.  A court will look at it that you abandoned the family and guess who gets full custody.  I had it happen to a friend of mine, and she just moved one state over, not half an ocean away.  She was in a similar situation to you and lost big time emotionally and financially (attorney fees) by leaving her kids behind.   I know that right now he is behaving himself, but I really think it is just for show.  Once you move (without the kids), he is going to revert and where will you be?  He didn't change until you got a plan and a timetable in place for leaving him.  I wouldn't trust him - he hasn't earned it.  The time for him to change was before your marriage got to that step, not after.  Since he says he is okay with you going, take the kids with you.  You can still work on your marriage, and if the change is real, he can join you in Hawaii.   I know you want to salvage your relationship, but you need to be thinking logically with your head, not emotionally with your heart.  Contact a family law attorney or your local family law facilatator and discuss your legal options so he can't come back and sue for abandonment, custody, and kidnapping.   I really think you are making a mistake by not leaving and taking the kids with you.  You have a plan and direction for you and your family with awesome support from your best friend.  Don't derail that.  I want to see a post from you in six months that details how great you and your kids are doing, not one that is full of pain because your husband has filed for divorce and is taking the kids from you, claiming you abandoned them.  Good luck, sweetie.  You have some hard decisions ahead of you, but you know that all of us here are behind you, cheering you on.

emilysmom8
by Dawn on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:03 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting pretty_mom:

BELIEVE ME I THOUGHT ABT THAT...BUT WE ARE IN SUCH A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. MY TWO OLDER ONES WILL BE HERE (WHICH ARE NOT HIS) AND I DON'T THINK HE CAN GET ME FOR ABDOMENT. AS LONG AS WE KEEP SOME KIND OF OPEN COMMUNICATION IE....LETTERS, TEXT ETC THEN HE CAN NEVER GET ME FOR ABANDONIG MY GIRLS. BUT THANKS FOR THE CONCERN.

 I would still cosult a lawyer, just because your in a good place now doesnt mean he will change again once you move. I believe he can still get you for abondement even if you text, write call ect..

orngblsm
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:08 PM
1 mom liked this
Just because you have "open communication" doesn't mean the courts won't still see it as abandonment. You need to get the hard legal facts and options from a family law attorney before you move. If nothing else, get it in writing from your husband that he will be sending the kids to live with you on such and such a date. PLEASE, for your own protection and that of your kids, contact an attorney as soon as possible before you move (most offer free initial consultations).
Quoting pretty_mom:

BELIEVE ME I THOUGHT ABT THAT...BUT WE ARE IN SUCH A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. MY TWO OLDER ONES WILL BE HERE (WHICH ARE NOT HIS) AND I DON'T THINK HE CAN GET ME FOR ABDOMENT. AS LONG AS WE KEEP SOME KIND OF OPEN COMMUNICATION IE....LETTERS, TEXT ETC THEN HE CAN NEVER GET ME FOR ABANDONIG MY GIRLS. BUT THANKS FOR THE CONCERN.


orngblsm
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:09 PM
2 moms liked this

 EXACTLY!!!


Quoting emilysmom8:

 

Quoting pretty_mom:

BELIEVE ME I THOUGHT ABT THAT...BUT WE ARE IN SUCH A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. MY TWO OLDER ONES WILL BE HERE (WHICH ARE NOT HIS) AND I DON'T THINK HE CAN GET ME FOR ABDOMENT. AS LONG AS WE KEEP SOME KIND OF OPEN COMMUNICATION IE....LETTERS, TEXT ETC THEN HE CAN NEVER GET ME FOR ABANDONIG MY GIRLS. BUT THANKS FOR THE CONCERN.

 I would still cosult a lawyer, just because your in a good place now doesnt mean he will change again once you move. I believe he can still get you for abondement even if you text, write call ect..


 

pretty_mom
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:16 PM

AM I AN EMOTIONAL WRECK OR WHAT?? I'M CRYINYG AS I READ @ORGNBLSM COMMENT...I WILL DEFINENTLY GET SOMETHING IN WRITING BEFORE I GO...MAYBE I WAS BEING TO SIDETRACKED W/ HIS KINDNESS ABT ALL THIS. JUST SO YOU LADIES KNO WE ARE NOT MARRIED BUT HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 13 YRS. I'M NOT SURE IF THAT MEANS ANYTHING. SO ARE YOU LADIES ROOTING FOR ME TO GO AS LONG AS I GET THE RIGHT DOCUMENTATION FOR MY GIRLS? THEY WILL STILL HAVE 6 WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT & IT WOULD BE HARD TO GET ON MY FEET & FIND CHILDCARE FOR THEM SO THIS IS WHY I FELT IT BEST TO LEAVE THEM BEHIND. 

Beenhereforever
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:19 PM
1 mom liked this
Go all together at once and make it work.
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LilliesValley
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:21 PM
I'd go. He's willing to following you, but I wouldn't be leaving without my kids. Kids adjust and will make do with transfering schools. Couldn't leave my kids. Good luck! Glad your husband has turned around and its permanent.
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