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COD Gaming-Help! I'm afraid I will hurt our relationship!

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For mamas with SOs who are gamers, how has your family come to an agreement about how much gaming is appropriate? This has been a disagreement between my SO and I for awhile, but especially since the birth of our five-month old son. The current trend is that he will get home from work around 4:40, and every other day will play COD. On the days he plays he will come home and say, "hi." Eat an apple and then go play. He doesn't get off for dinner (I bring it in to him). Then he gets off around 10:00 to go to bed, while I am stuck staying up with ds  and getting up throughout the night. 

   We originally had agreed that he would not play on the weekends, which he only sticks to if we actually go out and do something, but if we stay at home he jumps on the Xbox. Whenever I talk to him about it and how I feel (that he should spend more time with his family than he does playing his bachelor "friends" whom he has never actually met), he says that it is not a normal relationship for people to spend all their time together. I do agree that people need their space and separate activities....but is it "normal" to only spend every other night with your family? Help me out mamas, do you think that my expectations are out of line? I am afraid that this disagreement will become a major wedge in our relationship if we don't work it out.

by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 4:02 AM
Replies (21-28):
mnm4242
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 12:11 AM

Just remember to treat Gaming like any other hobby. My DH is a gamer and he is very good moderation with it though (at least now he is, not so much prior to us having a kid). He always tells me that he doesn't think it's fair that when a guy is into sports, it is OK for him to go golfing on a Saturday with his buddies, or workout in the gym every night playing basketball, but for some reason, when it's playing video games, it's not OK (not respected, lame). 

My DH was always into computers and games (techy) since he was a young child. His parents always discouraged him and told him "GET off the computer and go outside". They worried about him and didn't respect his gaming hobby. I feel a lot of people are like that and it is just not fair. They were always worried about him, but you know what? He got a great job at Microsoft and suddenly, they were all supportive of his techy tendencies. They ridiculed him for staying up late nights and gaming as a teenager, but that behavior is what helped him be successful. Now he works at Blizzard (a gaming company) and LOVES his job. 

So when I talk to my husband about his gaming, I make sure I am being fair and respecting his hobby. Some of those games are mentally challenging (I know my mind is too lazy to play them). 


(not that you weren't respecting his hobby, cuz it seems like you do. I just wanted to remind you of that when talking to him about the issue at hand. He will listen more to you if he feels like you respect  his hobby and are just asking him to spend more time with the family, and not critcizing playing video games.) Good luck!

The RULE in our house is "NO GAMES UNTIL LITTLE ONE IS IN BED SLEEPING" . When I get my free time, that's when he get's his. So, while I'm reading our daughter a bedtime story, he is usually straigtening up the house or finishing dishes. OR vice versa. While I'm cooking dinner, he's giving our daughter a bath (or vice versa). 

alexis_06
by AnnaLisa on Feb. 10, 2013 at 1:10 AM

 i once dated a guy that was addicted to a computer game called 'everquest'....we lived together for almost a year...i couldnt handle it anymore! luckily i saw this flaw before any children or marriage was involved.  i couldnt handle be second best!

strangeyfine
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 1:40 AM

Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions. Every time that we have talked about it has been when I was upset over the situation, so I wasn't sure if I was being irrational. I am going to try creating a schedule that will match my ideal preferences, and then see how we can compromise to make us both happy. Also talking to him about how it makes me feel while I am calm will probably help. 

GirlWithANikon
by Bronze Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 5:42 AM

My husband was like that. Why would you take him dinner? Dinner needs to be a family event. Sit down and be together, eat together, talk together. A family who eats together stays together. The weekend thing needs to be more enforced. The meals need to be enforced. Are you a SAHM? A lot won't agree but if so then I don't feel you getting up with the baby at night and being "stuck" with the child is an issue or an argument that has anything to do with the gaming. Tell him you'll go. You're lonely and won't compete for a man's attention or for him to display affection and share time with his child with a machine. Those were my words.

And lastly. usually with stuff like this video games aren't the real issue. They are whats treating or masking his issue or feeling. He is avoiding something or trying to forget something or has no relaxing or coping skills---its something IMO. When i was able to get that (and it was a lot of work) I was able to solve the game issue. I don't think he will ever stop playing. But now he wastes mostly his own time and plays when we aren't home, i'm studying, we are sleep, I host a playdat, something like that.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I was reallllly lonely when my husband played all those games. I was jealous of all those online single friends too.

barrelracer1699
by Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 5:47 AM

I would stop taking him dinner to the game. You are not wrong, he should spend more time with his family.

My husband started having a problem playing his I pod in the mornings before work and then at night when he got home. I said something and walked away and slept on the couch. It took him 3 hrs before he relized I was not in bed. I think he only realized it because he had to go to the bathroom. Next night I tried talking to him and left again. He came in and told me to go to bed. Haven't had near the problem.

jhslove
by Bronze Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 6:01 AM

No, your expectations are not out of line. He's being selfish and irresponsible; he needs to get his ass off the video games and help you and engage with his son. If he can't be a grown-up and handle it with the game system in the house, then he needs to get rid of it.

If he's not willing to do either, then I don't know what to tell you.......personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone whose priorities were that messed up. You're not asking him to spend ALL his time with you, and it's true that codependency isn't good, but he needs to do his part as a father and show some consideration for his family.

jhslove
by Bronze Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 6:04 AM

Yes, this. Talk to him about it when you're NOT upset. Rehearse ahead of time what you're going to say so you won't get off track or let your emotions get the better of you.

It's fine to take his feelings into account, but make sure that in your quest to keep him happy that you don't give up on what's really important to you. I'm sensing a very strong "peacemaker" streak in your posts, meaning that it sounds like you really want to appease your husband and keep things peaceful (at least, on the surface) in your home. People will often sense that and take advantage of it. Stick to your guns if this is really important to you. You deserve an involved and supportive husband, and your son deserves and involved and loving dad.


Quoting strangeyfine:

Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions. Every time that we have talked about it has been when I was upset over the situation, so I wasn't sure if I was being irrational. I am going to try creating a schedule that will match my ideal preferences, and then see how we can compromise to make us both happy. Also talking to him about how it makes me feel while I am calm will probably help. 



ScrChk23
by Amanda on Feb. 10, 2013 at 8:05 AM

 I have a co-worker who is struggling with this same issue.  His wife is ready to leave him because of his gaming addiction.  Have you suggested counseling for you two?  Also schedule a girls night (even if it is just you going to the library or grocery shopping) where you leave the baby at home with him.  If nothing, drive to a park or a parking lot and sit in teh car, nap, read.  Something for some alone time.

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