Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Advice for Moms Advice for Moms

Please help! Motherless friend of my daughter

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:17 AM
  • 19 Replies
My daughters best friend (5) is over my house a lot. I dearly love this kid, haven't known her for very long, but sweet little kid.
Her mom abandoned her, and she lives with her dad, who does the best he can (really does) but due to work, the commute and not having family/friends in the area, he's not around too much. She's at a sitters in the am, goes to preschool, picked up at 6 and it starts over the next day.
She's got a bit of behavior issues- but nothing I can't handle - kind of manipulative and clingy, but not physical or anything like that.
I offered to pick her up from school when dads late/watch her on weekends if he has to work - I don't mind at all - if I'm home, I'm free.
Here's my issue: she is, as I mentioned very very clingy and always trying to get my attention. When I give it to her, my daughter gets jealous and tries to compete for the attention (only child). They're both 5, so a lot of it is standard kids stuff but a little more intense.
My daughters friend recently has been asking me to be her mom bc "my mommy left me and I don't have one!" she's also asked if she can move in bc she doesn't have "lots of toys and stairs" (meaning her place is smaller than ours - I'm sure she has just as many toys though lol$
How do I address this both with her and with my daughter? The friend made me a valentines day card that said "to mom" and my daughter flipped and it started a valentines day card war.
I've told the little girl that I can't be her mommy bc she only gets one mommy, but that doesn't mean I can't love her and care about her. And whenever she starts with the "my mommy left me" I always tell her I'm so sorry and that it must be sad for her, and if she wants to talk im here.

Any advice on how to handle it? She's such a good kid and even her father says how grateful he is that she spends time at our house where things are a bit more structured. I really want to help nurture this kid bc she needs it but I don't want to cross the line either.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:17 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
EvilAsh
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:20 AM
3 moms liked this

sounds like you're doing the right things in my opinion. I would tell her the same thing, though it'd break my heart. I'd worry more about talking with YOUR daughter rather than the other girl though. Spend one on one time with her as much as possible. Let her know she's still your baby and your only baby. Try explaining to her that you're just helping her friend because her daddy works so much because her mommy left. 

ELFs_Mommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:29 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree with this. And you're doing such a wonderful thing by trying to be there and help this little girl through what has to be a very hard and confusing situation for her.

Quoting EvilAsh:

sounds like you're doing the right things in my opinion. I would tell her the same thing, though it'd break my heart. I'd worry more about talking with YOUR daughter rather than the other girl though. Spend one on one time with her as much as possible. Let her know she's still your baby and your only baby. Try explaining to her that you're just helping her friend because her daddy works so much because her mommy left. 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
SpiritedMom2
by Bronze Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:29 AM
2 moms liked this

Yes - I agree with the last post. Some things are worth a few tears. I would try to give this child as much love as possible while at the same time making sure your daughter knows that you are her mommy first and last. So long as youre not giving attention or love to this child over and above yours - things will be fine. And youre teaching your own child a valuable lesson in love and genorosity. I really commend you for opening up your house and heart for this motherless child. Keep things in perspective - what would you like to think 20 years from now - that you gave meaning and direction to this child and helped her make something of herself; or that you gave in to your daughter's temporary tears and abandoned someone who was sent to your home for something that only you could provide...

PrettyLady80253
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

I had my mother but I had what I called a "god" mom. she was a friend's mom and my parents best friend it became that way when i was about 6 her real daughter was 3. the daughter and i are still very close i still call her my baby sister. what you are doing is great. I'm now almost 30 have lost both my parents and Momma P hugged me and held me up through the loss of them and claims my kids as her grand babies. It helped having two moms. so giving a little girl that has none some one to talk to like that is awesome. but be sure to spend time with your own girl too maybe a little more.


MJP76
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Idk, I used to call my BFF's mom, mom all the time (age 7 to 13) and there was never a problem.

maybe when the little girl isn't around have a chat with your daughter about sharing "per se" explain to her that the little girl is lonely, and that it's really not a big deal if she calls you mom, because you both know, you're more like a step mom to her. Explain to your daughter that, she will always be your only daughter, but it doesn't hurt to share the word with a lonely little girl.

kirbymom
by Bronze Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 2:56 PM

I agree with both of these posters.  

 You are doing something wonderful!  Kudos to you sweety.  :)  


I agree with this. And you're doing such a wonderful thing by trying to be there and help this little girl through what has to be a very hard and confusing situation for her. 

Quoting EvilAsh:

sounds like you're doing the right things in my opinion. I would tell her the same thing, though it'd break my heart. I'd worry more about talking with YOUR daughter rather than the other girl though. Spend one on one time with her as much as possible. Let her know she's still your baby and your only baby. Try explaining to her that you're just helping her friend because her daddy works so much because her mommy left. 

Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 3:52 PM

Ask if she could call you "Aunt" bless her little heart, and yours for being there for her. Your daughter will learn from your kindness, don't tolerate any rudeness from her.

GELiz
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 4:00 PM

First, talk to your daughter so that she is secure in your love,

Explain to the little girl that she is special to you, but no you cannot be her mommy- but you can be  good friend. Explain to her, when it come up that daddy loves her very much and would be so sad to have her move in with you and toys and things do not compare to aDaddy's love,

jstine86
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 4:45 PM

 

I agree with this! Try and talk to your daughter, and I'm sure she will love to be involved and help. :)

Quoting EvilAsh:

sounds like you're doing the right things in my opinion. I would tell her the same thing, though it'd break my heart. I'd worry more about talking with YOUR daughter rather than the other girl though. Spend one on one time with her as much as possible. Let her know she's still your baby and your only baby. Try explaining to her that you're just helping her friend because her daddy works so much because her mommy left. 


 

coala
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 5:25 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you are doing a great job at trying to help!!!  I do want to let you know that telling she only gets "one mommy" may harm her in the future if or when her Dad meets someone that he falls in love with and remarries.  She may want to call that woman "mommy", but you have given her a complex about having ONLY one and she is the one that walked away.  Some kids get the chance to have 2.  My adopted child loves me as much or more than she loved her biological mom.  I care for her and love her more than her bio mom ever did (and before anyone says any different about how I would know....she was adopted from a family member).  Just be kind, loving and gentle with this little girl and especially with your explanations to your own DD.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)