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getting hubby to help with the baby..

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since we brought Christian home in october, its mostly been myself doing everything for him. feeding him, changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night with him, everything. we both work full time, and he goes to daycare full time. i ask him to help and its like i have to nag for him to hel me. we have fough tmulttiple times about it. i know he loves our son, but how do i tell him i need help without nagging him?

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 2:56 PM
Replies (31-40):
chelseasills
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:28 PM

so trying to get a little more involvement from him is asking too much? okay, good to go.


Quoting atlmom2:


It isn't but it seems your husband is thinking its a chore.  Not many husbands are gonna help every single time you ask.  You are asking too much.  Been married 28 years.  Good marriage, but I don't jump everytime dh ask and he doesn't either.  That is normal really.  You have have your sites set a little too high if you think everytime you ask he will jump up and run to you.  Not trying to be mean, just realistic.  If you want a happy marriage you can't dwell on the fact he doesn't help every time.  If he helps over 50% of the time, be happy.  Many men don't help 10%. 

Quoting chelseasills:

first off, i dont see how taking care of our son as a "duty" a child is not a damn chore, so stop referring to it as such. second, we have had multiple conversations about what i need and expect from him as my husband and a father. does he always do it? no, not always. but does he? yes he does. sometimes it just takes a little bit more to get him to help me. what im trying to get advice on is how do i get him to help everytime i say "hey i need this from you" without getting frustrated with him.

Quoting atlmom2:

Sounds like you gotta deal. You had 9 months to talk over duties. Guess he doesn't want to.


Quoting chelseasills:

our son wasn't planned. we never "decided" to have kids, it just happened. i dont see why a conversation needs to be had about what role we each will have. he knows what i expect from him, he just chooses not to do it. or he will do it when he has to becuase im not around.



Quoting MJP76:

Is there a reason why a conversation wasn't had about kids and roles before decided to have kids?











Beth3721
by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:36 PM
1 mom liked this

in my experience--if they don't help now, they won't ever

Karen_S
by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:06 PM
1 mom liked this

Here's what worked for me.  My hubby didn't exactly step up. He'd agree in general to the idea that he should do more, but then never really did much, or would help for a short while, then slid back, and I'd back to nagging, nagging, nagging. 

Then we had a calm conversation (not when I was mad at him, but I picked a good time for both of us), and we made a chart.  So there were certain times of the day/week when he had responsibility for DD - diapers, feeding, the whole lot. I could do errands, catch up on work, take a nap, whatever.  Then there were some chores he agreed to pick up - making dinner certain nights a week, washing dishes on nights I made dinner, walking the dog.

Somehow, having it on paper and posted on our refrigerator made it work. He did what he said he would and I got to stop nagging. 

chelseasills
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:18 PM

im stealing this idea and trying it out!


Quoting Karen_S:

Here's what worked for me.  My hubby didn't exactly step up. He'd agree in general to the idea that he should do more, but then never really did much, or would help for a short while, then slid back, and I'd back to nagging, nagging, nagging. 

Then we had a calm conversation (not when I was mad at him, but I picked a good time for both of us), and we made a chart.  So there were certain times of the day/week when he had responsibility for DD - diapers, feeding, the whole lot. I could do errands, catch up on work, take a nap, whatever.  Then there were some chores he agreed to pick up - making dinner certain nights a week, washing dishes on nights I made dinner, walking the dog.

Somehow, having it on paper and posted on our refrigerator made it work. He did what he said he would and I got to stop nagging. 



AM-BRAT
by Amber on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:22 PM
This.

I'm lucky that dh is fabulous now that we're both working- but when we had babies I stated home. I wonder if dh could've handled it then.

Some men are better with kids than BABIES kwim?


Quoting opal10161973:

I would tell him he could either clean the house or take care of the baby- pick one, because I am not doing both.  Or he could do half of each, which would be the better option, IMO.  If he doesn't want to do any of it, then tell him it is time for you to consider WHY you are with him at all.  Make him convince YOU as to why you should stay. 


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brittany208
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:32 PM

Sometimes I ask "Would you rather.... get DS ready for bed or do the dishes" (for example). then, don't do whichever one he picks. its his job now.

i also like to ask him at times when it is convenient for him, when possible. and thank him much for when he does help.

also, go out sometimes, even if its just to the store, and then he has to do it bc he's the only one home.

aydensXmommy
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:32 PM
I'm probably not much help because this topic is a sore one with me. My husband never helped me out with our son, I got so used to telling people I didn't need any help. I would beg him to help me, and he actually came back with, "I don't feel like I should have to do all these chores you're along me to do." CHORES?! They're responsibilities.

Then my daughter was born a couple months ago (I know, I actually decided to have another kid with him lol), but he's unable to help me out with her now. He's an over the road truck driver, and he's gone for seven weeks at a time. I hate it, but he helps me out so much now when he is home.

You just really have to let your husband know that he NEEDS to help you out. He helped make your kiddo, he can help with the maintenance so to speak lol..
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brittany208
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:37 PM

 not always. my DH didn't do much when DS was a baby. but he helps out a LOT now that DS is a preschooler. I think guys don't connect with babies the same way they can with an older child, who they can play with.

Mine didn't help a lot at first bc he was working nights out of town and I was a FT SAHM. we had just gotten married, and all of DH's friends were unmarried and out having fun still, so he didn't want to miss out on all the fun.

now that he works in town, DS is older, I'm pregnant and tired, DS is older, and we've been married longer, he helps out a lot! so don't give up hope.


Quoting Beth3721:

in my experience--if they don't help now, they won't ever


 

opal10161973
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:46 PM

I always thought it was funny that men think that women are just naturally better at taking care of babies, so they step back or out altogether, until the baby is older.  What makes people think that?  I have seen some women who were OBVIOUSLY not one who could be considered a natural at parenting.  Did they figure it out eventually?  Most of the time, but it's like anything else- it takes practice.  It's extremely RARE for a new Mom to just be a WonderMomma.  LOL

Quoting AM-BRAT:

This.

I'm lucky that dh is fabulous now that we're both working- but when we had babies I stated home. I wonder if dh could've handled it then.

Some men are better with kids than BABIES kwim?


Quoting opal10161973:

I would tell him he could either clean the house or take care of the baby- pick one, because I am not doing both.  Or he could do half of each, which would be the better option, IMO.  If he doesn't want to do any of it, then tell him it is time for you to consider WHY you are with him at all.  Make him convince YOU as to why you should stay. 



NoahsMommy10412
by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 8:52 PM

Yes. I ask him to help and he'll feed him for a little bit then decides he doesn't want to do it anymore. He'll sometimes help with diaper changes but that shouldn't be a two person job. I just wish he'd help more. He did say though that he never wanted kids in the first place so that could be a reason why he doesn't help much.

Quoting chelseasills:

its stressful isnt it?


Quoting NoahsMommy10412:

I know how you feel. My boyfriend helped out at the beginning but now it seems like it's just me doing everything for our son. My boyfriend goes to work and I'm home all day.




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