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HELP!!

Posted by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:45 PM
  • 10 Replies

Hello everyone. My name is Andrea and I am a mother of 3. I joined this group because I thought I could get advise for a question I have and I was hoping someone have been in the same shoes.


A couple of months ago, my husband and I decided to move into a big house with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law. We decided to do this since money was tight and we are saving alot. Anyways. My brother in law has some problems no offence. He is autistic, has add and adhd and has a really bad temper sometimes. We have been trying to help him and my mother in law has to basically take him to doctors appointments just to get the help he needs. He also has a girlfriend who comes around alot. We don't hate her or anything, but she has been fighting with my brother in law alot when she is over here and we have to remind them both especially at night not to fight because of the kids. I don't want her to get out of his life because they have been together for 5 years and she is also like family. But she never sees that. She has a negative attitude and all we do is try to be nice to her. She doesn't live with us either but she act like she does too. She will stay at our home for several weeks and then go home for a week and come back and it is the same thing over. There will be a fight going on down in my brother in law. I mean since he has a bad temper, he bangs stuff. But tonight, I went off on the both of them and I am sorry but I told her to leave and get out, so we can all spend time as a family and not have this fighting going on. Once we she got home, she has been calling non stop and we turned off the phones. But the question is, What should we do about this? We have already talked to my mother in law and she thinks they both need a break and we think so too. Has anyone ever had to deal with this kind of family stuff?

by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
funhappymom
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:04 AM

Wow, sounds like a tough situation to be in. It's his home, too, however it's very disruptive for you and your family, especially your kids. I don't think you can force him to stop seeing her, but maybe suggest to him a break?



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LoreleiSieja
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:21 AM
2 moms liked this

This certainly sounds like a time bomb... That fighting can't be good or healthy for anyone.  I'm thinking it's time for him and the girlfriend to break up.  IF they've been dating for five years, and they are still fighting, there is no hope for a relationship there.  She obviously doesn't understand his autism, or isn't interested in learning to help him, and he isn't treating her the way a man should treat a woman.  Of course, you can't make him break up with her, but together, you, your husband, his mom and his brother need to discuss things.

I strongly recommend starting a "Family Council" time.  Pick a day - perhaps Sunday afternoons - and make this a weekly requirement.  Include your children if you think it would help, or ask a neighbor to take them to the park until this is a habit in your family.  Council is a great way to keep the peace and build relationships.  All families SHOULD do this, but stressed families MUST do this.

Lay a few ground rules.  Anyone can talk about anything, without fear of being ridiculed, neglected, or put down.  Everyone must talk with respect.  Everyone must listen respectfully.  Serve a light snack, or coffee, or something to keep people at the table.  Set a start time, and an end time.

Some families have a coffee can with a slit in the top, with note paper and pencils.  Then topics can be added to the can all week long. At council time, you draw a slip and discuss it.  This way you all don't sit around the table, silent and angry, but you get the "ball rolling" on the conversation.

If you come to the end time, and people are still talking, let them continue for a few minutes, but then try to break into the conversation, and tell them that the topic will be added to next week's family council, and they can all think about it during the week.  

For the first council, keep the subjects lighter.  You might not want to tackle the really big stuff right away.  You might discuss things like - who is going to take out the trash - or how can you all split up the housework.  Or you might discuss a "curfew" - that after a certain reasonable time, your brother in law and his girlfriend need to respect that your kids are sleeping and they need to be quiet or go somewhere else to argue.  

Make sure that you aren't gaining up on any one family member, but that everyone has a right to be heard.  Family council is a topic that you can find entire books about - check out your local library.



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marisab
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:46 AM

my son is 5 and autistic and u may get more answers in teh autism across the spectrum group they have moms with adult kids there

Mommy2justone
by Mommy2justtwo on Feb. 14, 2013 at 11:47 AM

This

Quoting funhappymom:

Wow, sounds like a tough situation to be in. It's his home, too, however it's very disruptive for you and your family, especially your kids. I don't think you can force him to stop seeing her, but maybe suggest to him a break?



**Chat with us ANONYMOUSLY!**


bamababe1975
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:21 PM

I agree that suggesting a break sounds like something that may work, especially if you suggest it in the right way. If you try to make him stop seeing her, you'll likely just shove them together further.


la_bella_vita
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 4:05 PM

 

Quoting bamababe1975:

I agree that suggesting a break sounds like something that may work, especially if you suggest it in the right way. If you try to make him stop seeing her, you'll likely just shove them together further.

 I agree

Bieg9093
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:48 PM

 I say make a plan for getting out of that house asap.  There's bigger issues here than money. 

anotherandree
by Inga on Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:55 PM
This!! 1) If your BIL had his OWN apartment, the gf coming and going would be perfectly normal. 2) Everyone is adults but everyone is all up in everyone's business! Run! Get! Out! Now!

Quoting Bieg9093:

 I say make a plan for getting out of that house asap.  There's bigger issues here than money. 

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nicoleg806
by on Feb. 23, 2013 at 1:53 PM

 I was going to suggest a few things but this about covers it and more. This is a great idea! Nothing more to add this could actually be the answer to your problem

Quoting LoreleiSieja:

This certainly sounds like a time bomb... That fighting can't be good or healthy for anyone.  I'm thinking it's time for him and the girlfriend to break up.  IF they've been dating for five years, and they are still fighting, there is no hope for a relationship there.  She obviously doesn't understand his autism, or isn't interested in learning to help him, and he isn't treating her the way a man should treat a woman.  Of course, you can't make him break up with her, but together, you, your husband, his mom and his brother need to discuss things.

I strongly recommend starting a "Family Council" time.  Pick a day - perhaps Sunday afternoons - and make this a weekly requirement.  Include your children if you think it would help, or ask a neighbor to take them to the park until this is a habit in your family.  Council is a great way to keep the peace and build relationships.  All families SHOULD do this, but stressed families MUST do this.

Lay a few ground rules.  Anyone can talk about anything, without fear of being ridiculed, neglected, or put down.  Everyone must talk with respect.  Everyone must listen respectfully.  Serve a light snack, or coffee, or something to keep people at the table.  Set a start time, and an end time.

Some families have a coffee can with a slit in the top, with note paper and pencils.  Then topics can be added to the can all week long. At council time, you draw a slip and discuss it.  This way you all don't sit around the table, silent and angry, but you get the "ball rolling" on the conversation.

If you come to the end time, and people are still talking, let them continue for a few minutes, but then try to break into the conversation, and tell them that the topic will be added to next week's family council, and they can all think about it during the week.  

For the first council, keep the subjects lighter.  You might not want to tackle the really big stuff right away.  You might discuss things like - who is going to take out the trash - or how can you all split up the housework.  Or you might discuss a "curfew" - that after a certain reasonable time, your brother in law and his girlfriend need to respect that your kids are sleeping and they need to be quiet or go somewhere else to argue.  

Make sure that you aren't gaining up on any one family member, but that everyone has a right to be heard.  Family council is a topic that you can find entire books about - check out your local library.

 

Sweet_Carol_126
by Bronze Member on Mar. 12, 2013 at 3:03 AM

No.  I think I'd rather live in a teensy tiny place than to have to live with people who are so full of drama.  It is not healthy for anyone.  You need to talk to your brother in law to see what he feels about her and if he likes all the arguing.  See what you can do to help the situation, but he needs to send her home when she gets too mouthy.  If this is the MIL 's house, then you know she thinks they need a break from one another. 

The problem is that they may not like the noise of the babies, too.  So your family cause some problems for them as well as they cause problems for you.  All of you might need to sit down together and talk about what is acceptable and what is not.  But you need to realize that your kids and their fssing or crying can be a problem as big as their fighting, though they are adults.

You are putting 3 families in one house this way.  You can all get along so long as you have rules.  Good luck.

 

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