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Step child difficulties.

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My fiancee has a 18 y/o son who is determined to live at home forever. He dropped out of school and used every excuse in the book as to why he couldn't go back. He also has no desire to get a job (neither does his  girlfriend who "lives" with us as well). We pay all the bills and with all the extras she has brought in we had a $400 electric bill. With a baby on the way we can't afford both of them on top of his daughter and my boys.

We have talked about setting him up and paying for a few months of bills and telling him he has so long to figure it out. My fiancee has the hardest time telling his son to grow up. He is always talking to me about how he wants him to move out or how much easier it would be if he would just get a job.

Everything future wise that we talk about revolves around his son i.e where we want to buy a house, how big the house will be and his son having his own space. We can't move out of this town because he won't have friends even though it would be better for all of us.

His daughter is only 14, you give her money and she buys what she needs not what she wants. You give his son money and he buys things that he really shouldn't be getting. He likes to go to parties a lot and sometimes brings them back to the house. 3 a.m is not the time I want to wake up because a bunch of people are downstairs and the music is thumping.

He complains about his dad being a father now and hates it, but really it is my thoughts and his voice.

I don't know how to handle this kid anymore. How do you get someone who doesn't want to do anything with his life to move out??!!??

Any advice would be amazing because I am close to just moving out myself. I don't want to lose my fiancee, but I can't handle his son anymore and shortly after I have the baby my fiancee leaves for work for a few months and I am on my own.

by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:56 PM
Replies (11-17):
crwspringer
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:55 AM
Moving out for someone who has no motivation is usually financial disaster for the parents. What I would do is enforce them both getting a job and make them contribute to the household bills and chores.
Also, you might set some of the money that they pay you aside and when they start to show enough responsibility to move out you can give them that money as a starter.
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ThinkAgainMom
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:56 AM
2 moms liked this

The reason it has gotten to a point where your SS thinks it's okay to bring people home at 3 am is that his father has never set appropriate limits with him. Your fiance thinks that he is being loving and supportive. He is really helping his son destroy his own life.  YOU cannot fix this and if you stay, you will be more than an observer and it will continue to ruin your life. 

I would tell your fiance that you can see that nothing is going to change unless he forces it to change. You think the only way that might happen is through family counseling.  Your fiance needs to see this circumstance through a professional's eyes.  His best thinking brought this to life, he needs another viewpoint.  If he won't go, you will leave.

OF COURSE your SS is comfortable doing nothing and having him, his girlfriend, soon to arrive baby, and whatever friends his has at 3 am LIVE off of you.  Your SS needs a little adult reality impressed upon him as he has made some adult choices that have consequences, unless he is protected from them (e.g. dropping out of school, not working, fathering a child), which he is.

kim8934
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this

this is what I did to my son (at the time 19).  No phone, no car, no gas, no rides (unless it was for a job), no video games.  He also had to contribute to the household, meaning chores (to earn his keep).  They do finally get off their lazy butts when they have nothing.  He found a full time job within 2 months.

Bleacheddecay
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 12:26 PM

When our son moved in, and dropped out of college where he had earned the athletic scholarship he had dreamed of, we told him, as we always have, get a job.

We told him how much rent he would have to pay, though, granted it's not much. And also, he doesn't know this, but I plan to put in in a savings account for him later. All of his expenses other than household food and utilities came out of his account.

When he didn't get a job the first month, I began assigning him chores like going up on the roof and getting the leaves and pine straw down, cleaning out the gutters and then raking all that stuff away from the house.

When he got a gf, I allowed her to spend time here ONLY until MY bed time because MY sleep is important. No spending the night. I figured if they wanted to do that it would motivate him to get a blanket and go out inf the woods, rent a hotel room or MOVE out!

He got a job the second month. Yay.

Good luck. *HUGS*

JC2223
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 2:41 PM
1 mom liked this

 Your fiance is parenting through guilt. You don't change the child...it's not your place. You need to change your fiance's mentality and get him to force his son to grow up by setting boundaries, rules, expectations and standards, all with extreme consequences. I highly recommend serious counseling with a professional that deals with blended families.

Jadegirl1819
by Bronze Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 2:54 PM
1 mom liked this

I think this is more of an issue about your husband not stepping up and just allowing the kid to do as he pleases.  That will need to be addressed before the kid will change.

brittplus3
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 12:31 PM

Thank you all!! He didn't quite like the change in rules and just moved out. He is doing everything he can to make sure he doesn't have to move back in.

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