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Boys will be Boys?!

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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1 mom liked this

Hello Ladies,

  I am in need of advice! My DS is 9 years old in 3rd grade. He was the calmest easiest baby and toddler you can imagine. In preschool and kindergarten his teacher's LOVED him because he behaved so well. The last 2 years he is experiencing more and more "behavior" issues.

   We believe that children should respect adults and follow directions, and have raised them this way (also have 4 yr old DD) My SO and i have been together for 12 years and we have an extremely stable household with strict routines (though having enough money week to week is a stresser in our household).

  As I have stated he has always been really "easy-going" and at times seems like an old-soul. But lately he keeps getting in trouble on the bus, at school, back-talking me about EVERYTHING and going into RAGES about stupid stuff (cleaning, losing at a video game, his sister). Today I got a call from his teacher that he is in BIG trouble at school. He will be bringing home a "reflection" note for us to work on together and return to school.

  This year he has been almost kicked off the school bus once, in the principle's office once, given lunch-time detention for a week by his teacher once, and now this. At conferences I had a long talk with his teacher's about his behavior and had a long talk with him afterwards and I thought we had this all figured out...I was wrong.

  I am extrememly upset by it. I was NEVER ONCE in trouble as a child. I ALWAYS listened and behaved.

  The teacher keeps saying he's trying to be the "class clown" and that in her opinion is a VERY bad thing. I also had her as a teacher when I was young and I do remember her being overly "strict" to put it politely.

  On a side note- this year (for the first time EVER) he has been refusing to let us cut his hair and has grown it very long and shaggy. I thought this was his first glimmer of idependance rearing it's head and I have allowed him to grow it. The teacher on the phone today specifically told me his hair is "part of the problem" and "I need to take him in and get it cut immidiately." I told her that it was our way of allowing him to express himself (and I've seen and been told that for the 3rd and 4th grade boys in his school long shaggy hair is all the rage right now). #1 is it her place to tell me to get his hair cut? #2 is it my place to make him?

  My quetion is, I've always heard the addage that "boys will be boys" and that their more outrageous behaviors are therefore excusable...

  Is it my place to severely punish him (no games, tv, sledding, etc) (gentle punishment has not worked obviously) or should I not worry about it so much?

  I remember boys getting in trouble a lot in school and most of them have grown up to be productive members of society. It seems to me the boys that were the "class clowns" were often to most liked and had many friends.  I want him to learn respect and boundaries and how to get along in our society. But at the same time I don't want to turn him into a "cookie cutter" that can't think for himself. I think it's important to be able to be who you are.

  Another side issue that is playing in to this is that there are 2 boys that he rides the bus with that are in his class that he is "frenemies" with. Some days they try to go to each other's houses to play, more often they take turns antagonizing each other into a screaming rage, and i'm sure this is part of the overall problem.

  What do you ladies think? Do I need to lay down the law and make sure he's headed in the right direction or am I just getting worked up over nothing?

GardenLovingMom

aka Serianna

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 2:35 PM
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I would do the writing punishment for discipline for any school acting up.   Have him write  "i will not ignore bus driver/teacher/ whatever he did that day" 25-50 times.  Once he is done and it is legible, you move on from that offense.  When he makes another bad choice, same consequence and you do not bring up past  to add on to the punishment.   

DD is in 1st grade and has really been pushing boundaries at recess.   They give discipline there and have told me we just needed to talk about the incident at home since she already recieved the punishment which is loss of recess for that day.

Bmat
by Barb on Feb. 18, 2013 at 2:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I am thinking that he is showing signs of hormones becoming more active, leading to puberty. The kids he associates with certainly will influence his behavior, too. I had to use "this is the way we do things in our house" and "we don't say or do such things in our house" a number of times. In your own home insist on the behavior that you expect. For school disruption he needs to be punished, I don't like to say extra chores, but maybe keeping him more active would help him burn off some of that energy- maybe run around the house 10 times or something.

GardenLovingMom
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 3:12 PM

i'm thinking the hormones may be starting thing too. he has always been a big boy, but he has been gaining weight more rapidly lately, and the anger thing, plus at conferences the teacher told us they will be having a "talk" with the boys this spring about deoderant etc because the end of 3rd grade is when they start having these issues...


GardenLovingMom

aka Serianna

jhslove
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 3:22 PM

I agree, a lot of this sounds like changing hormones, which can really mess with a kid's moods.

Is he involved in any physical activities like sports, martial arts, etc.? If not, it might help him to deal with his anger and get rid of some of his pent-up frustration.

I agree with you that the misbehavior in school is unacceptable. It's good to have a sense of humor, and if being the "class clown" is bringing him positive reinforcement in the form of attention from his peers, I can understand why that would be attractive. But he needs to learn when it's appropriate and when it isn't. I might consider having him write a hand-written letter of apology to his teacher, on his own free time, and then deliver it to her along with a verbal apology.

I would be interested in what the teacher means by "his hair is part of the problem". Does it mean that the longer hair is causing a disruption? I don't think it's her place to tell you that he needs to get his hair cut, but you might consider telling him that if he can't  have this hairstyle without it causing a disruption in class, he'll need to get it cut.


Quoting Bmat:

I am thinking that he is showing signs of hormones becoming more active, leading to puberty. The kids he associates with certainly will influence his behavior, too. I had to use "this is the way we do things in our house" and "we don't say or do such things in our house" a number of times. In your own home insist on the behavior that you expect. For school disruption he needs to be punished, I don't like to say extra chores, but maybe keeping him more active would help him burn off some of that energy- maybe run around the house 10 times or something.



GardenLovingMom
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 6:34 PM

thanks for your input.

to answer JHSLOVE, yes he is in football in the fall and in baseball in the summer, so this is the "in-between" season. he doesn't like basketball and we don't have the time or funds to do martial arts. we do live in the country and he does go out and sled and shovel and carry wood, so that helps... But we are in MN and it has been storming non-stop for the last month so the kids have been stuck in the house a LOT lately. and yes he is a very physically active child.

i did get his hair "trimmed" tonight so that it's not covering his eyes at least. but that did tick me off and i think the teacher was out-of-line there. when i told SO he thought i should go talk to the superintendant about the hair thing, he thought maybe she was singling him out because she is annoyed by his hair... but after talking to DS he admitted to everything he did. he told me he just thought he was being funny...

punishment yet to be determined...

brittany208
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 8:28 PM

I wouldn't worry about it in a "oh no, he's going to grow up to be a horrible person!" kind of way because it sounds like you are good parents providing a good home and he will turn out fine. BUT i would NOT say "boys will be boys" and just let him get away with it." If he is getting in trouble in school, then yeah, something needs to be done. I don't think the teacher has the right to tell you you have to cut his hair--though you could use that as a "severe" punishment if you need to. Point being, I wouldn't just shrug it off. I would do something about it and not let him think its okay to be disruptive and clown around in class. But on the inside, I wouldn't be too concerned for his future or anything.

ceciliam
by Cecilia on Feb. 19, 2013 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this. Also, expecting your child to behave in class is not making them, "cookie cutter".

Quoting brittany208:

I wouldn't worry about it in a "oh no, he's going to grow up to be a horrible person!" kind of way because it sounds like you are good parents providing a good home and he will turn out fine. BUT i would NOT say "boys will be boys" and just let him get away with it." If he is getting in trouble in school, then yeah, something needs to be done. I don't think the teacher has the right to tell you you have to cut his hair--though you could use that as a "severe" punishment if you need to. Point being, I wouldn't just shrug it off. I would do something about it and not let him think its okay to be disruptive and clown around in class. But on the inside, I wouldn't be too concerned for his future or anything.


kali_mom
by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 10:15 AM
#1. Since you have a history with the teacher she may have felt she was alright to TELL you to cut his hair.
#2. As his parent, it's part of your role to set guidelines and ensure he follows them. With that being said; if the hairs too long he needs a trim. If your SO is his father I would strongly encourage you to share with him your concerns. As Moms we try to resolve everything and something's need to be taught from the same sex. I have 5 children and some of the issues in the past are better handled by my hubby than me getting in the middle. I think the ROOT cause needs to be identified and then go from there. Hang in there. Wait until your daughter is a tween what a joy.....
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la_bella_vita
by Gold Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:45 PM

 

Quoting frndlyfn:

I would do the writing punishment for discipline for any school acting up.   Have him write  "i will not ignore bus driver/teacher/ whatever he did that day" 25-50 times.  Once he is done and it is legible, you move on from that offense.  When he makes another bad choice, same consequence and you do not bring up past  to add on to the punishment.   

 

 Agreed

marisab
by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 2:51 PM

hes 3rd  grade ur mom u decide on hair not the teacher and not him...talk to dr could be adhd or something else before punishing wants he stested an dnothing is shown then astart to get strict

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