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Dealing With Death (suicide)

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:39 PM
  • 19 Replies

Hey everybody, I'm Ashley, and I'm new to this group.


I had just recently lost my brother in law to suicide this passed Wednesday, which is also my father-in-laws birthday and I'm not entirely sure how to cope with the feelings of being up and down each day. he was never active in his family which at times, I really couldn't blame him. But the last year and a half he has been super close to everybody after his divorce had finalized and now he is just gone. Like that. It was only 3 weekd ago, he was sitting with us all in our livingroom eating my father-in-laws favorite dish I make, laughing and playing apples to apples and now this. My poor husband is just beside himself, and I'm doing everything I can in my power to make sure he is doing okay, even though in reality he's not 'okay' he's my husband and he needs me, I want to be his rock. I am human though and am struggling with this as well. 


Anyways, if any of you have lost somebody you had become close to, or were close to from the beginning, especially to suicide how did you get through it? I've never lost anybody before. So I am a little bit lost, i feel angry, resentful, sad. . . we all miss him so much.

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DragonMother10
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:49 PM
So sorry for your loss. The only person who committed suicide was an uncle of mine long before I was born. Just this past September, I lost my grandma who took care of my brother and I for many years. I felt like I already lost her when she was bed ridden, and was asleep before she passed. My son has kept me from falling apart. You're husband needs you the most right now. If he needs some space, don't take it personal. Let him know his brother is not truly gone as long as he is in his heart. It's okay to feel a mix of emotions. Pick your battles when you and your husband have a disagreement.
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Smashsmom
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 9:58 PM
1 mom liked this

Suicide if one of the worst ways to lose someone. I'm so sorry for your loss. In 2006 I lost a good friend to suicide.  I felt like I had to be strong for everyone else who knew him.  I think that feeling of being needed actually helped get me through it. Being there for your husband may feel stressful but it is also helpful.  Nothing in the world will make it easy right now, but time will make it easier.  In time you will be able to remember the good thing about him.  Try not to focus on how he died but how he lived.  your anger, resentment, and sadness are normal feelings.  Eventually you will find acceptance. Support your husband and let him support you.  Remind yourself that it won't always hurt so much and know that he didn't mean to hurt you all.  Good luck. Sending my prayers.

MomTo2Boys12
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 10:23 PM
Thank you.

Quoting Smashsmom:

Suicide if one of the worst ways to lose someone. I'm so sorry for your loss. In 2006 I lost a good friend to suicide.  I felt like I had to be strong for everyone else who knew him.  I think that feeling of being needed actually helped get me through it. Being there for your husband may feel stressful but it is also helpful.  Nothing in the world will make it easy right now, but time will make it easier.  In time you will be able to remember the good thing about him.  Try not to focus on how he died but how he lived.  your anger, resentment, and sadness are normal feelings.  Eventually you will find acceptance. Support your husband and let him support you.  Remind yourself that it won't always hurt so much and know that he didn't mean to hurt you all.  Good luck. Sending my prayers.

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wildhorses420
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 10:30 PM

I understand. Hugs. I've lost so many people in almost every way imaginable, including suicide. The best thing you can do is to stay busy. This doesn't mean don't deal with it. Just stay busy it keeps those low points to a minimum. As for suicide, all I can say is that it has touched my life with one of my closest family members. I went through every feeling, including anger at him. The way I came to accept it is that he was in pain. Emotional pain can be equally as dibillitating as physical pain. Sometimes the only way they know how to make that pain go away is suicide. It's not the answer...every day there is a reason to live. But at that moment in time, he didn't feel that there was. Unless we've experienced their level of emotional pain, we can't judge. We can only live our lives as we think they would want us to. Never forget him. Find ways to keep his memory alive, but don't blame anyone not him, not yourself not his family. There is no blame here. Just finding a way to keep going each day.

Bleacheddecay
by Gold Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 10:55 PM

I've only dealt with a friend committing suicide, we weren't that close but it really made me angry how he did it and how many he hurt. He seemed to go out of his way to hurt people the most he could.

I've lost some people that were part of the foundation of my life like my Daddy. I recommend local grief support groups and the following books.

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Frank Cherry


and

The Courage To Grieve by Judy Tatelbaum

Personally I think staying busy keeps you from feeling those horrible feelings of loss that you need to allow yourself to feel and work through. The people I know who feel a need to be busy all the time are avoiding things they need to focus on and work through. I don't see that as helpful but I understand it is a coping mechanism. It's just that I've seen people spend decades NOT dealing with what they need to, not really living but just staying busy.

Elly219
by Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:03 PM

In 2009 my best friend killed herself, you have to take it one day at a time because honestly that is all that you can do. be hurt, be angry, hell be pissed off if that is how you feel all of that is completely normal, but please beware that if someone else you know also commites suicide or you see something about it or hear something about it, those feelings are going to come back. When my uncle killed him self in 2011, it brought back all those feelings and memories from loosing my friend and I wasn't close to my uncle at all but it is hard, somedays are harder than others. Please don't beat yourself up or blame yourself or try to understand why because I honestly don't think you will ever be able to. 

I am not going to lie to you and tell you it is easy because it is not.  Suicide IMO is the hardest thing to get over/through!  I am truly sorry for your loss and hope that your road to recovery is an "easy" one!

alexis_06
by AnnaLisa on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:13 AM

 so sorry for your loss!!  *hugs*

MomTo2Boys12
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:45 AM
Thank you everybody. I really appreciate it :)
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Mommy2justone
by Mommy2justtwo on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:09 AM

Hi Ashley, welcome to the group. I am so sorry for your loss :( (((HUGS)))
I don't know what to say to make you feel better, there isn't anything to say that would help.
group hug 

bafamily
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:49 AM

I lost my eldest sister last year on the same day Whitney Houston died.  She was not close to our family, as she always felt like an outsider.  I'm so sorry for your loss and even sorrier that there is nothing that can be done or said to bring comfort.  Before my sister, we my father-in-law and grandfather-in-law died exactly a month apart in September and October. I ask my husband when I see him down or quiet or when he's just not himself how his heart is or I just hug him and tell him I love him as that is all we can do when our love ones are hurting. It is so hard with men, in general, because they are always "ok".  Bahhh ok my eye! 

Try and be greatful that you at least got that year with you brother as my sister never gave anyone, even her daughter, that year.  She was always a loner though really, just kept to herself, alot like my mom, but thats just who she was.  May you find some light in this dark time.  God bless you and your family. 

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