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Spanking, New Marriage and BFF Helping

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:02 AM
  • 30 Replies

Hopefully I can make this as short as possible. I joined this site to help my BFF with her 4 year old.

K has been a single mother for the past 4 years to a beautiful girl, Ellie.

This last Christmas, K got married to a wonderful man, who doesn't have kids of his own. He has been more than willing to treat Ellie as his child. He doesn't spank her, he has a clean background so no misbehaving on his part and treats K very very well.

Ellie has been whining a lot, lately, to the point were I want to smother her. No I haven't and WILL NOT do it, it's just irritating that she does it WAY too much. K has given me full permission to give Ellie 5 warnings before spanking her. I have only spanked her once and regretted it.

Ellie has spent her 4 years with just Kendra and me coming and going since I do have my own life. Her sperm doner of a father refuses to help out and isn't in the picture. Family doesn't want anything to deal with her either.

K has always let Ellie sleep in the same bed as her, gives her practically everything she wants and still treats her as an infant which is annoying. I constantly have to tell K that Ellie is too old to be spoiled and needs to learn that she needs to share and not have every thing she wants.

Ellie refuses to stay in her own bed, which it's hard to explain to her why she cannot. We both have to constantly fight with her to keep her in bed. Like tonight, she's asleep on the couch because she refused to stay in bed and K spanking her more then once wasn't working. Now since K has to go to work at 4am, Im stuck watching her fall asleep and take her into her bedroom.

There are more things, but I don't want to keep typing at this point in time.

Please, any and all suggestions will be helpful and K is more then willing to take in the advice.

Ellie is her first and only child. Since K had Lupus at the age 15 she was told she couldn't have kids. We call Ellie her miracle child.

BIG THANKS to whoever reads this and take your time out of your day, away from your children to respond.

by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:08 AM

Why are you living in a household with a new marriage?  I am thinking that the child has outgrown spanking and needs consistent rules / consequences that all the adults follow.   One warning and consequence even at night she will get a consequence for not listening. At age 5 you can either do time outs (5 min sitting in one spot) or losing privileges for a day.

beadingmom17
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:13 AM
Why are you parenting her kid? Are you living there or something?

And it sounds like she's acting out like a normal kid because she is 4 and doesn't know how to channel her feelings about a huge adjustment. She went from having mommy all to herself to having to share her.

It all comes down to your friend, though. She can raise her kid however she sees fit.
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NikiTee
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:13 AM

I'm not living here. I am visiting and the babysitter for tomorrow. K and her husband work from 4am to 4pm and she has no one else to watch Ellie. Her family doesn't care, he is an only child so no help there and her friends live in different cities and states with their own families.

And for spanking, she just started to spank her. She never had spanked her before.

NikiTee
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:17 AM

I had been parenting her kid because she needed me to, asked me for help. I'm not going to turn my back on her or Ellie. The new husband doesn't really step up to discapline because he doesn't feel like he can do much since Ellie's not his kid. And I am asking for help, not too be judged.

My friend has no time to get on here and ask for help.

sorcha1945
by Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:22 AM
3 moms liked this
Consistency is the biggest thing. Have you friend put her child to bed, and remind her that she needs to stay in bed. When she gets up one reminder that it is bed time and to put her back. After that no more words just keep putting the child back. At this age and how she has been raised it will be a lot of putting her back to bed and will take a lot of patience but she will get it. It wont be fun because there will be tantrums and it will be exhausting and soooooo tempting to give in. Dont give in no matter what because she will know if she fights it hard enough she will get her way. Good luck!
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sorcha1945
by Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:25 AM
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Oh honey, I know this site is advertised as moms helping moms and this group is called advice for Moms, but the women on this board can get down right vicious and very judgemental. Not everyone, but unfortunately its pretty common.

Quoting NikiTee:

I had been parenting her kid because she needed me to, asked me for help. I'm not going to turn my back on her or Ellie. The new husband doesn't really step up to discapline because he doesn't feel like he can do much since Ellie's not his kid. And I am asking for help, not too be judged.

My friend has no time to get on here and ask for help.

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Zazayam
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:28 AM
1 mom liked this

Consistency is all she needs. Just firmly tell her no and put her back in her bed every time she gets out of it, don't let her sleep on the couch or with either of you. She'll throw fits, ignore them and keep on putting her back in bed. If you stick with it she'll give in soon enough. Explain to her that when she throws fits there are consequences, no favorite toy tomorrow or no tv show or something that she likes I don't know the kid lol. But everyone has to stick with the consequences too. Every time someone caves in and lets her do what she wants you're taking 6 steps backwards. It's hard but you have to just do it, it gets easier as you go though.

She's a kid and she's not sure how to go through all these changes, have patience with her but ALWAYS stay consistent. It's very nice of you to be there for your friend and help her out, when the new man's more comfortable hopefully he'll fill the father's shoes. It all just takes time.

NikiTee
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:34 AM

Thanks. :)

We both were trying to do that. I've been reading to her every time I come down to visit, just before bed, sometimes K is up doing homework, so I let her do the putting her back to bed, but if K has to go to bed and get up very early, I end up doing it because her husband is already asleep.

I will try my hardest to get her to come on here and ask for the advice herself, but I kinda needed advice for when I'm babysitting and momma and pappa are gone at work. I told my friend I don't spank kids. And I haven't, except that one time. I try to do time outs, but she'll slouch and play with her feet and I don't want to be "the mean lady" and force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

Zazayam
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:39 AM
1 mom liked this

lol Don't worry about making her come on here if she's too busy, ignore people that just wanna argue.

I feel ya, I help out with my neice a lot and I never wanted to be that mean aunt but sometimes you just have to be. If you don't make yourself the authority figure she won't look at you as one. Good luck to you and your friend!

frndlyfn
by Platinum Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:43 AM
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I was just saying everyone needs to be on same page for rules and consequences regardless of the relationship to the child.  That way step dad can feel empowered to also guide her into a happy and productive life as she gets older.  My dd is turning 7 and will call me mean mommy when i guide her to acting properly.  I have to remind her what the rules are, did she follow that rule, and what happens when she does not listen.  Her brother comes twice a week to hang out and since he is an adult as well he knows the rules and what her consequences are .

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